Why Does Pursuing Joy Feel Selfish?
Though things have simmered down over the past months, we’re still living in difficult times.
We’re living in an environment of continued hardship and uncertainty, and it’s having a negative effect on our mental health. According to one study, adult anxiety and depression has risen 30% over the past year and a half. Another survey indicated that more than 42% of respondents reported increased symptoms of anxiety or depression in December 2020, an increase from 11% the previous year.
In stressful and uncertain times, the idea of setting aside time to pursue joy may seem frivolous and irresponsible, like goofing off at our own funeral.
Truth be told, setting aside time for joy has never been easy for many of us. Even in the best of times, it’s hard to ignore the siren call of our to-do list to simply find time to hang out and enjoy life.
The trouble with joy
One of the biggest stumbling blocks to pursuing joy is the fact that it puts us at odds with our work-related culture. Society teaches us that we’re more valuable when we’re productive and relentless. We’re expected to continually strive to meet the next goal, instead of taking time to enjoy what we’ve already accomplished, in other words), and show up with our game face on, no matter the circumstances.
Pursuing joy feels at odds with the message that it’s our duty to constantly strive and sacrifice. Here’s the tension we often feel:
- Joy is taking a break. Performing our duty is working.
- Joy is frivolous. Performing our duty is necessary.
- Joy is lazy. Performing our duty is industrious.
- Joy is inferior. Performing our duty is superior.
- Joy is selfish. Performing our duty is selfless.
In this climate, it’s hard to give ourselves permission to carve out time and space to experience joy.
Joy now, pay later
“Joy now, pay later” is often how I feel when I want to relax and do something fun instead of putting my nose to the grindstone. If I’m able to actually enjoy myself, I worry that I’ll feel guilty later, so it doesn’t feel worth the trade off.
On the other hand, I can push myself to work (even when I’m exhausted and hate every minute of it). I might feel miserable in the present but can avoid feeling that I “goofed off” later on.
Or, worse yet, we can feel that if we take a day off from work we’re almost “punished” the next working day. All the undone tasks from our day off have piled up and we feel even more stressed and behind. It almost feels ‘easier’ just to keep working, a vicious cycle that puts us on the path to burnout.
Joy can make us feel like like an outsider
In addition to guilt, we also worry about rejection. Society still values those who work the hardest and produce the most. (The good news is that there appear to be some signs of change to this trend). No one wants to feel alienated from others who have bought into a culture of relentless striving.
Most of us have also internalized work-centered values and use them as a yardstick to evaluate our personal worth. I know that I’ve felt shame for not meeting certain productivity standards even when I thought the standards were insane. Any time spent pursuing joy instead of getting work done is likely to make us feel like we’ve fallen short.
Who can blame us for finding the idea of pursuing joy. . . well, kind of joyless?
Now, the GOOD news about Joy
It’s fair to say that finding joy can be challenging. But let’s get to the good stuff!
There are plenty of reasons to pursue joy anyway — and keep pursuing it even (especially) when things are most difficult.
First, let’s be clear on what we mean when we talk about joy. Unlike happiness, joy is a momentary sensation of enjoyment and uplift. Because it’s smaller and simpler than happiness (a more complicated and longer-term state), joy is easier to find.
“Unlike happiness, joy is momentary and small-scale: It comes from an intense, momentary feeling of positive emotion,” says The Atlantic
Joy makes you more yourself
You can’t fake feeling joyful; something either gives you an emotional lift or it doesn’t. In this way, joy puts you in touch with an essential part of your authentic self.
“Joy is inextricably bound up with authenticity because it’s a clue to what makes us come alive,” says joy expert Ingrid Fetell Lee.
In my experience, you don’t need to be in a state of ecstasy to benefit from joy. At Be Cozy & Kind we’ve identified a “joy spectrum” that includes a full range of positive emotions. It includes less intense emotions such as curiosity or relaxation. It moves through more intense states such as fun or delight, and goes all the way up to full-fledged euphoria.
Knowing what relaxes you, makes you curious, or what tickles your funny bone are all ways to get in touch with your authentic sense of joy.
Experiencing any feeling along the joy spectrum is critical to your happiness level because it keeps you in touch with those things that energize and inspire you — even on your worst days.
Joy affects your overall happiness and health
Accumulated moments of joy can improve your happiness level (which remember is a more long-term sense of well-being), which in turn affects your health.
“Joy is tiny but visceral. . .Over time, those small moments are what lead to happiness,” says The Atlantic.
Happier people tend to be healthier and more effective at combating stress.
The Greater Good magazine states, “Happiness and good health go hand-in-hand. Indeed, scientific studies have been finding that happiness can make our hearts healthier, our immune systems stronger, and our lives longer.”
Joy and happiness improve your relationships
Happiness also improves our relationships, and makes us more likely to engage as citizens. “Happiness makes us better citizens — it is a good predictor of civic engagement in the transition to adulthood,” according to one study. In an era when civic engagement is at a premium, increasing your happiness might make you more likely (and better able) to contribute.
Your happiness affects other people’s happiness
All our emotions — not just the upbeat ones — tend to be contagious. If you hang out a lot with grumpy people, you’re more likely to feel grumpy. If you surround yourself with optimists, you’re more likely to feel positive, and so on.
“Having a happy friend who lives within a mile of you, for example, appears to increase the probability that you will be happy as well,” indicates one study by sociologist Nicholas Christakis.
Positive signs of a more joyful future
The idea of pursuing joy to make our lives better is getting some attention. “Whether on a global or an individual level, the pursuit of happiness is one that is gaining traction and scientific recognition,” writes Katherine Nelson-Coffey PhD.
Though the research on this topic is still relatively new, there have been several positive correlations found between one’s happiness level and overall well-being.
“In a world where the focus on happiness is growing and the mirror is turning back towards ourselves, the happiness of the world relies on the happiness within each one of us and how we act, share, and voice the importance of happiness for everyone,” says Nelson-Coffey.
My hope for me, you, and the world
Honestly? I’m a bit worried.
At this continuously challenging time, I’m concerned about my own mental well-being, and that of my family, friends, and the world at large. I’m concerned that we’ll get stuck under a mantle of anxiety and discouragement if we don’t take deliberate steps to pursue joy — at whatever point on the joy spectrum is doable each day — on a regular basis.
The advice given by happiness expert Gretchen Rubin may well be the best argument for pursuing your own joy. She writes: “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.”
I think it’s likely that a critical component to having a positive tomorrow for all of us is finding and celebrating our individual joy today.
Still struggling to find joy? Check out this blog for ideas.
