Protecting your Portfolio After Brexit: An Investor’s Guide

Brett Perlman is a longtime securities arbitration ambassador, a nationally syndicated financial advice columnist, and the author of the best-selling book, The Kronor is King: Investing in Europe’s Next Economic Superpower

The Brits have spoken, from the bustling city of Westwickhamkent to the sleepy hamlet of Shrimp-Upon-Barbie, and they have made clear their desire to withdraw from Earth. Brexit has already sent Britain’s economy into a low-wards spiral and has added a troubling “worry wrinkle” to the Global Economic Face. So what can you do to ensure that you walk away from this economic catastrophe with Good Finance?

  1. Console Your Portfolio

Times of Market volatility are hard on one’s stocks and bonds. Now would be a good time to sit down with them and explain that they are diverse and beautiful, and assure them that market fluctuations are normal and natural. If they start acting out, send them to Risk Management camp immediately. I know it seems cruel, but it will be better for them in the long run.

2. Buy! Buy! Buy!

With the Pound plunging to a 7-year low, now is a great time to “buy low” in Britain. Stock up on British goods like Curlywurlys, Top Cockneys, and Fizzleswitts. Invest in pheasant futures and fog. If you have the capital, I would recommend buying the Royal Post, where, as President, you would be entitled to wrap yourself in postage and get mailed anywhere in the world. Remember, the National Pie is being set out on the windowsill, so don’t waste time rubbing your belly, licking your lips, and tying a checkered napkin around your neck — if you delay, you will be torn to shreds by the Foreign Investments Advisory Council guard dog.

3. Join the EU

Now that they’re short a member, the EU will be more receptive than ever towards allowing private citizens to join their economic union. Membership would allow you conduct trade with other member states with no tariffs, and gives you an important seat at the table when the EU determines where to next force austerity.

4. Sell! Sell! Sell!

Some British assets may never recover. Stocks in Big Ben (or Large Chap as it is known across the pond (in England)) are about to permanently plunge in value, as the time displayed on the clock-tower will no longer sync up to Standard European Time. Instead it will revert back to Olde English Time, a system created by Pitt the Elder under which a day has 63 Paces, a Pace has 20 Fingers, and a Finger gets 12 Barleycorns to a Gunter’s Chain.

5. Offend Lady Countembly

Normally it would be unthinkable to visit Buckinghamshirefort Manor and offend the various Dukes and Viscounts whom gather there with your boorish behaviour. Doing so would typical spell certain death for your social life, as word would quickly spread among polite company. However, with the Brexit dominating all conversation, now would be a great time to arrive for a charming dinner, use the wrong fork, make a pass at Viscountess Gwyyngyllwyn, and even challenge Baron Crisps Fitzwalter to a duel (here you can offend everybody’s delicate sensibilities even further by firing early).

Don’t worry, these Noblemen can no longer crush you with the heft of their now-pathetic British fortunes. Your diversified portfolio makes their estates look like chump change. So have some fun! Why not shake all their butlers’s hands, thereby freeing them from indentured servitude with the sign of mutual respect that breaks their ancient curse? Spit in the tea! All of the witty retorts in the world won’t help that sought after dinner guest, playwright Dandy Bulberstot. With your internationalized investments performing well above quarterly projections in the currency combine, you will find his dry repartee is no longer any match for your senseless violence.

Well, that’s it for this week. Next time I’ll be gently setting my Currency Raft down on the Rate Swamp, and seeing where the murky current takes my yields. Until then, remember the Good Investor’s Motto: Arbitrage Macht Frei!