This whole locker-room talk thing

I have some thoughts to share on this.

Everyone seems to be making their statement in response to Donald Trump’s leaked conversation about casually assaulting women. People seem to be formulating in two camps: the “I don’t know anyone who talks like this, this isn’t the status quo” camp and the “I hear this kind of talk all the time, it’s harmless” camp.

The thing is, the reality is much more nuanced than whether men “do” or “don’t” talk like this. This touches on the whole spectrum of rape culture. To outright deny that men talk like that is just as unhelpful as to affirm that they do and it’s innocuous. I seek to surround myself with good men, sure, men who have demonstrated that they respect me and other women. But to say that this isn’t widespread in the U.S. rings of the “not all men” cries of “meninists.”

The way Donald Trump talks represents a very specific type of privilege. He explained it himself: “When you are a star, they let you do anything.” It’s fame, wealth, and growing up a privileged, white man who believed anything was and could be his. Few people have as poor a temperament, and as little a filter, as Donald Trump, but this is a pervasive attitude among his rich, white, male cohorts, however often they would deign to say that aloud to most people. Hollywood actors, famous athletes, and plenty of others in powerful positions prove that to us all the time.

Then there’s the other side of the spectrum: the cat-callers. These are men with which I, and pretty much every American woman, have had a great deal of experience. Unlike Trump, they’re men who may be middle-class, maybe underprivileged, who grew up thinking that telling women on the street what they would like to do to them is okay. I experienced this every day growing up in Chicago’s Albany Park neighborhood. This spreads off the street and into parties, college dorms and clubs, where women are routinely grabbed and assaulted. That’s how we get Brock Turners.

Then there’s a big middle ground where those things go unsaid and undone. Instead, men of all stripes use coded language and actions to subjugate women. This is not innocuous. It’s equally dangerous, because it’s the way misogyny bleeds into our everyday lives, making it seem normal and okay. All of this is part of a rape culture that leads to sexual assault, victim-blaming, and fewer opportunities for women, especially those already marginalized by their skin color or sexual orientation. Many people don’t realize the way they take part in a system that benefits them, and that needs to change.