HOW I STOPPED TRYING TO BE COOL ABOUT SEXISM- AND WHY YOU SHOULD, TOO
Let me preface this whole thing by saying that I was a passive bystander.
I grew up playing drums, so I spent a lot of time around boys. I have stood by and laughed at crude jokes. I have stood by as boys rated my female friends on arbitrary scales and talked about their body parts as though they were mechanics inspecting a car engine. I even watched my college boyfriend literally catcall a stranger on the street.
The Shift happened in my mid twenties, when I was dating an incredibly kind person and as soon as things got a little rocky I found myself handling it in the most unhealthy, offensive ways. As soon as we split up his friend made a move on me and I found myself frozen, unable to say no and unable to extricate myself from my own broken heart. I don’t remember how I finally made it back to myself, but as soon as I did I found myself a therapist and then tried to sort things out every week for about a year.
And that’s the year that I realized just how harmful it had been to hang out with boys in my formative years. Not to the fault of the boys, but to the fault of a lack of the female viewpoint. In addressing my own harmful behaviors, my entire world view shifted.The messages we receive about men and women are so negative- but not just negative, they are wrong! Mainstream media have men as unemotional rageful creatures unable to self regulate or process anything with the brain, and women are one-dimensional objects whose sole purpose is to provide pleasure to men until they become mothers. Regardless of what skills, talents, and abilities we have, women are supposed to also be sexy and fit and demure and make men feel a certain way. While also being skilled. We are supposed to laugh but not too much, flirt but not too much, eat but not too much, be intelligent but not too much, be curvy but not too much, be childish but not too much… on and on.
As I banned all mainstream tv, movies, and video games from my household, I subscribed to feminist bloggers and began soaking in some new ideas. I made a list of women I wanted to get to know, and it took all my nervous social energy to call them, ask to get together, and start developing female friendships. I wondered if my best girl friends from childhood knew what a fraud I was. I decided I only wanted to go to shows, support organizations, or buy products if they were run by women or people of color. I found out how few choices there were. I saw some of my past experiences in a new light, and then had to process the feelings that came along with that. Sadness that I missed out on years of being more supportive of other women. Horror that I had put up with such ridiculous behavior from men because I thought their voice was supposed to be louder than mine. Rage that women are so wholly disbelieved and unsupported. For ‘proof’, here are a few Extra-Light Examples:
-A teacher at my high school, where I was a new student, began writing me letters and ‘love’ poems freshman year, handing them to me in the hall with some threatening note on each envelope about being quiet. The school administrators asked me what I had been wearing to home room. Truly! They so poorly handled this situation that it escalated, and this teacher whom I’d maybe spoken 3 sentences to in a shaky voice all year was *stalking* me at my home- and my badass mother handled the situation with a threatening baseball bat and a court ordered restraint.
-When that old college boyfriend would hoot and holler at (his idea) of a hot woman, or pause a movie on a sex scene and ask why I don’t ‘do that’ or jokingly tell me to make him a sandwich, and I would protest, I was- while lovingly- told I was too sensitive.
-A bandleader hired me for a gig, said he’d get the money to me, never did, I reached out a few times and he suddenly turned on me, berating me for being so full of myself to want to get paid and threatening to tell everyone that I’m a terrible musician. Other musicians would say, ‘That’s just the way he is’, until it happened to them too.
-A professor who had become friendly with many of his students sent me an email inviting me over to his place on a weekend when his wife was out of town. There would be wine! He sent me a photo of lingerie, suggesting I could wear it. When I (obviously) didn’t show up, he yelled at me in a school hallway, berating me for embarrassing him.
I’ve thought about sharing the intimate details of my heavier experiences and the subsequent emotions I had to sort through just to get on with daily living, but you know what? People shouldn’t have to do that for you to learn. People shouldn’t have to justify their feelings with ‘proof’ of incidents. People shouldn’t have to out-terrible each other to earn your pity, never mind your respect. Look at the triangle chart that’s a hierarchy of abuse. If someone is telling you they feel disrespected or uncomfortable because of your language and behavior, it isn’t that far up the chart to assault and murder. Let’s just move off the triangle completely, and start from a place of respect.
With all this, I can empathize with the viewpoint that if you’re raised in our society as a boy, you have some ideas about how to behave that you may not realize are horribly misguided. See, even College Boyfriend, who I know is being painted in a bad light here, was just an average guy. Very charismatic, kind hearted, family guy. Even the most kind, loving people can be harmful if they don’t question their patterns and beliefs. On the other side, people with reputations for being harmful can change, if they see the problem and take the time. That Bandleader and I got coffee this year and he seemed to genuinely be working on himself and caring about others. It is pretty awkward to own up to our own BS, but the more frequently we demonstrate this to each other the easier it gets. He even paid me for the gig, and it was never about money but sure felt good symbolically. I can still listen to Professor’s music and enjoy it, and I hope he’s learned about power dynamics. I hope that Old Boyfriend has learned that women are much more than the sum of their body parts. I realize that it must be hard to be a white guy right now, having coasted along thus far without questioning.
What I can not empathize with, however, is the backlash against the #metoo movement. Aside from the folks calling the whole thing a witch hunt, I have been astonished at how many men meet their public call-out with loud defense, blame shifting, and gaslighting. Why can’t they just say, « Wow. I’m sorry », and then recognize that their presence is no longer needed? Go away! Take some time to just be alone with yourself, listen to people who aren’t just a reflection of your own image, and STFU. Don’t deny the story, don’t defend your character, don’t enlist your mom to write a piece about what a ‘nice guy’ you are, dont try to take down your accuser by pointing out how flawed they are. You’ve already hurt that person.
And for the love of god, don’t plan your comeback. Don’t come back at all until you’ve thought about why you’ve been treating other humans as objects, and figured out how to change. CHANGE. Not just be sneakier, or quieter, in your sexism; or how to be sexist to weaker women who might not speak out. Figure out how to change your sexist beliefs. Find out what sad parts of your past have caused you to hate yourself so much that you’d rather lash out at fellow humans than feel any real connection.
Trust me, we’re all rooting for you here. Women aren’t sharing #metoo stories because they want money, or fame, or because it’s so fun to share intimately painful details under a public spotlight. They aren’t sharing them to ‘take down’ all men or to overthrow the planet. They just want men to be better. They want men to have skills in emotional regulation and communication (read: ask what we want and if we say no, don’t kill us). So if you respond to #metoo with *more* rage, indignation, fake apologies, no one is winning. If you take an actual step back, I promise your reputation will remain more intact. And we know the difference.
Once you’ve done the work, your life might be different. Maybe your old pals won’t like you, but they’ll learn from you. You might feel lonely, but you’ll meet new people. Your life will be more fulfilling because you are making an impact for the better. Stop trying to replace actual life fulfillment with fulfillment-by-sexual-conquest. Treat people better, and you’ll feel better. I know you feel like if women or people of color get paid as much as you, have access to your resources, get treated with the same respect you do, you’ll lose out. That’s not how it works. There is an abundance. Step back and give that opportunity you auto-received to someone who won’t mess it up with creepy behavior. There are plenty of good men in the world, and you’re ruining it for them too.
A family member recently said she was concerned that my vocal opinions might get me hurt. It’s true, some pathetic people are so offended by the opinion that we should be nicer to each other than they act even meaner in defense. I’m sure I’ll get hate mail in the wake of using my voice. But what about the people getting hurt in the wake of our quiet? I shudder to think what my standing-by in my younger years did to others. I already know what it did to me, my confidence, my worth. And if I’m only now processing some of the negative messages I’ve received about women, what about other groups of people? How are we treating our fellow humans who look, speak, act differently from us?
It isn’t that difficult to shift our viewpoints, gain empathy, and begin to behave differently. Actually, scratch that. It’s very difficult. For me, it took a year of living in an internet-free cabin and at least five years of therapy and a range of intense emotions that I hope I don’t have to experience again for awhile. And I’m going to keep working, because I am a human who can’t possibly know everything. I will mess up, and then I’ll keep working. What else is life for? It’s difficult to face your self inside a new perspective, but it is worth the work.
Imagine the different world we’d live in if we could understand each other a little better?
As I’ve grown more confident and gained perspective, I’ve realized that I don’t need to ‘fit in’ with the boys in the band. They need to start adjusting to the women. I don’t need to be a bystander, they need to move over and make room. I don’t need to put up with creepy behavior, because I won’t be missing out on anything if I lose a gig or a job or some standing in the social order of the music scene. There are plenty of talented women, and plenty of good men in my circles (shout out, band mates and family members) for me to spend time with. For the rest of you who have been defending bad behavior- I will be standing by, waiting for you to do the work.
As an addendum, might I also add that I’m really pleased to see a new generation of people moving away from old gender norms and into visible gender fluidity. These people are doing emotional labor that I believe will change the world for the better as well, and they are being questioned and attacked by people who pretend to be uncomfortable but are probably just uncomfortable with themselves. I can’t speak on behalf of people whose experiences I can’t even begin to imagine, but if you can relate to any part of what I’m saying- please transfer your understanding to other situations, be they about gender, race, religion, or any difference you may have with another human being. We can all learn valuable lessons from anyone we see who is being authentic and demonstrating their inner selves in the outer world. Love to you all.