Life won’t stop because you suck!

My kid sister slaying !!!!

Yesterday I sucked at a live TV interview. Like for real. I literally sucked. Actually it was only at one question but knowing that thousands of people will listen to me sucking on TV was depressing.

I was feeling cool about that for like 3 hours, then all I wanted to do was to bury myself. I was in a “let me die” mood. Nothing seemed good enough to cheer me up. Not even the new series I am addicted to on YouTube, Broken Vows. It reminds me of my life back in uni, when I couldn’t live without South African series. At that time I was dealing with everything but sucking live on TV. Jeez!

So… I needed people to talk to but I didn’t want to talk about me SUCKING LIVE ON TV. I was too ashamed about that my people. So we talked about something else and I got mad no because of what the people were saying, but because of what happened earlier. The chat was in a group actually. The guys were like “stop tripping dear” then went on with the conversation.

I got maaaaaaaad! I just grabbed the book I am reading at the moment and buried myself in it. It was something about a psycopath abducting kids and killing people methodically. The story was very gloomy, just like I love and need them to be when I read fiction. The night was full of nightmares. Not because of the book, but because of me sucking live on TV.

It was very difficult for me to wake up this morning. I was still in a let me die mood. I grabbed my phone and went to WhatsApp. Regular messages. The world had not crashed during the night despite THE disaster. People were still moving on with their lives and going on with conversations right were we left them off. Do you know it hurts to realise you are alone in your mess?

I was like “I am not waking up this morning. My life is over”. Then I asked myself who was going to do all the work I had to do? Who was going to catch up with me being late at everything? It did not change a thing. Still wanted to die.

People kept texting me about various stuff. None of them mentioned THE disaster. It made me realise one thing. Life was still going on. Actually I already realised it but I was taking it in a negative way. Life was still going on and people don’t care. There are better things to do, more important things to talk about apart from me sucking at a TV interview.

I had to choose between basking in my failure and die of sorrow alone in my room and moving on, do what I had to do, work, watch Broken Vows, enjoy a glass of Coke (I know I should not right? But I am working out so it’s ok!). I had to choose between clinging to something that was of no importance and no interest at all for anyone, and what was actually important. I had to choose between not thinking of anything else than how I suck at public speaking and finding ways to improve my public speaking game. I had to choose between misery and growth.

The best way to learn and be productive is to suck I guess. I was so afraid to remain the failure I was for like 10 hours that I got up and grabbed the laptop. It was like 9 am. It is almost 6 pm and I am still at it, not about to drop it. Failure sucks. But being miserable for hours/days/months/years because of a single failure sucks more.

Now it is REALLY time for me to improve my abilities at public speaking. I can’t go on like this anymore. It’s been like almost a year since I started talking about that here on Self-Ish. Is Self-Ish already a year ? Dunno. All I know is I have to move my butt and slay!

Hello, my name is Befoune and I left my job to follow my dream!

I created the civic media Elle Citoyenne to promote Civic opinion and participation, and celebrate civic action in Africa. My dear friend Tchassa Kamga and I created the publication Self-Ish on Medium to document our lives as humans and share our experience in self improvement, content creation and what we call human relationships.