Love: when the couple is assassinated by rights and duties!

You guys know I never talk about love relationships here, especially mine.

I don’t because I am not the only one involved, and the number one rule I have here on Medium is not to talk about other people but myself. Opening up is a choice I made, so other people don’t have to carry my burden.

I told everything about it in this post in French.

But today I feel like talking about love relationships. Mine for that matter. But other people’s too. Let’s say it’s me getting crazy in 2018!

Lately I have an activity I am very passionate about: observing couples’ lifestyle. How they experience their relationships, how they experience being with one another, and how they position their love story and love life in their social life. The observation is quite interesting, especially because people seem to follow the same path.

To tell you about the path, I have to tell you about a relationship I was in. I know, I know, but I won’t tell you about the guy. Just the way I experienced the relationship.

So the guy was adorable. For real. Smart, and fun and adorable. We met through people we both knew, so it was natural and normal for all of us to start hanging out together, him and I as… what we were at the time and them as our friends. Everything was cool.

Then one day our friends started asking what we were doing together, if we were actually together. At some point we had to decide and we upgraded the relationship. We became boyfriend and girlfriend. Except that once we did that, our relationship totally changed.

How?

Rights and duties.

Yes, just as in civic life. Who does what ? When ? Why ? How ?

Once we decided to go from us hanging around together to us actually being together, my perception of our realtionship changed, just as his. I suddenly became a woman, and him a man. I could not call first anymore, I was a woman, what about self-respect ? I could not ask to see him first, I was a woman. I could not pay the bill in restaurants and stuff, I was a woman. I just stopped acting normal, evaluating my every move and the potential fall out. His perception of not who I was, but who I was supposed to be in the relationship took precedence over everything.

He changed too. When I went to his place, it was not about us chilling together, just us. No. The first thing I had to do according to him was to go and talk to his mother. Chill with her first because she had to bless the relationship at the beginning, but all along its existence. Her approval seemed to account for 50% of the possibility of being together. I had to be nice to his mother before being nice to him. If they argued, I had to take his mother’s side and talk some sense into him (story of my life !).

I was supposed to talk to his sisters and brothers when he was around them when we were talking on the phone. His sisters had to be my friends and we had to hang out together. It showed me wanting and endeavouring to be integrated.

You guys think that was the only changes between us ? Nooooooo my people. You guys seem to forget we had the same friend. So.

It became obvious we had to be together at every get together. If one did not want to go but the other one did, then we had to go. Why ? For people not to think we were not ok. I tried to go alone once and I became the major topic of the gathering. I had to tell what went wrong. We were all friends, we had to be there for each other. And say it when we were not ok. And I seemed not to be ok. They decided I was incomplete without him around. And I agreed.

The relationship became work meeen. I had to show up to family gatherings for them not to think I was disrespectful. I had to tell my friends and our friends everything we did and did not do for us to assess together if the relationship was going into the right direction. I had to seek advice from him for major decisions like school, family issues… Since he was a geek, it was so obvious I had to consult him first before buying a phone or a laptop. With my money my people !

Oooooooooh !!! The best part. I should not complain when I felt he was disrespectful. Why ? Because I had to make the whole thing work. His family was involved, what would they think of me, of us ? We had to be together since so many people were involved in our relationship. We could not just broke up like that !! What about the other people around ?? 0_o

When I finally left I had to cut myself off some people to be able to breathe… and stick to my decision.

This happened a long time ago, but observing what was happening around me made it all come back to me. I am so happy I went through that. One learns from trials and errors.

Notice I never used the word couple. Why ? Because that’s exactly what we were not. A couple. Couple means two. 2. But we were about 54 in that relationship. Audience left out.

Just as at some point I was not with that guy because I wanted to anymore, but because I had to, many people I observed and talked experience their realtionships as a duty. I heard things like I can’t go now. We are together for so many years. Our families are expecting so much from us. I don’t want to get married but since it is the inevitable next step… I don’t want to have a child now but she is ready so let’s do this. I know him so well, I don’t have the strength all over again with a stranger. She knows evertything about me, I can’t go back to square zero with another woman. It is impossible for me to leave.

In many cases, the confidence ended up with a question. What should I do, what would you do if you were in my shoes ?

Truth is people seem not to be able to decide to live their love life for them first… and only. They seem not to be able to move forward in any direction whatsoever with the loved one without seeking approval of those aroud them. And they seem not to be able to decide to leave when people still want the couple to exist.

It seems their love shifts from the one infront of them to the people around them. They seem more comitted to these people than to their partner. Them be happy is them be accepted by others and maintained together by these people.

Couple. That is the key word.

Two people together.

But that I am writing here. Only. I stopped giving “love advice” many years ago, when I realized how toxic they were for me and my relationships, and therefore how toxic I was to those I was advising.

Today I ask only one question : Is that what you really want ?

Hello, my name is Befoune and I love observing how people experience their love life. Clap if you enjoyed reading this text. And clap even if it is not the case. I need you to cheer me. For real.