Why I will not kill myself though my life is shitty as hell!
Today is what I call A Crazy Fucking Shitty Day.
It all started with a mail.
Yesterday I received a mail from a tranlation agency I signed with a while ago but we had never interacted before yesterday. They sent me a document to translate. Something very short and very easy. I said I was available for the job. I was, my people. I was.
I was supposed to send back the document this morning by 10 am UK time. That was breeze to me. Except that after sending the mail saying I was available, I totally forgot about the job. Like tota-fucking-lly. My brain was like “not interesting, not important” and got the info out of the system.
Yesterday I did all I had to do for this morning. Why? Because I planned to let the morning free TO DO THAT FUCKING TRANSLATION. So I did everything and this morning I woke up at 5. But I was like… Everything has already been done, let’s go back to sleep and enjoy the mattress, the pillows, the blankets, life! And something woke me up at 10 am UK time.
A mail asking me WHERE WASTHE FUCKING TRANSLATED DOCUMENT.
Meeeen I thought I would die. My heart skipped 24 beats. I forgot about it. Totally. What did I do? What I hate the most in this life. I made up a story. Yes my people, I did. I couldn’t say “ooooooh you just woke me up boo, sleeping felt so good I forgot about the job!”. No. I lied. And you guys know how proud I am and how I value being true to myself and to people. But I lied.
I jumped to the laptop, translated the doc and sent it to the agency, mentionning that I won’t charge for the job.
And then I broke down.
Like for real.
It all came to me, slapping me hard on the face. How my life is shit. How I am not performing good at anything lately. How worthless I am. How desperate my life is. How I just lost a contract though I am fucking broke lately. How I should just die and live happy as a ghost. Meeen my life sucks so bad lately to the point that I cannot even write anything worthy of reading here on Self-Ish. A text about why I created another account on Medium and how I manage my digital presence is just sitting there in my drafts. EVERYTHING IS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!
After sending the mail I just closed the laptop and went back to bed, hoping sleeping would make me disappear and forget about this shitty and mediocre life of mine. I stayed in bed, lying there, assessing my mediocrity.
5 minutes ago I took the phone to see what was happening in the life of those who are performing well in this world, A.K.A. those who are not me, and I stumbled on this video.
Actually a friend of mine (performing well in his life at the moment from what I saw on his wall…FACEBOOK IS SHIT!!) shared it from Tyra Banks’ wall but just for the love of you all, I went on YouTube to look for it.
So I told you guys how passionate I am with music right? I wanted to be a singer, performing my vocals all day. That was shit too since everything is shit today. But let’s not digress.
I watched the video and my heart started beating normally again. It had stopped doing so since 10 am UK time my people! This guy. This guy knows how to sing. But it was not even about that. You know me, it is never about what I am talking about. So it was not even about that.
It was about perseverance, trials and errors. It was about thinking we made it and then fall back to the bottom again. It was about living life as it is, not as we want it to be.
This guy knows how to sing my people. I don’t know how old he is today but he says he has been singing for his whole life. At 14 (let’s say 10 years ago since he looks pretty young) he signed with a producer and thought his time had come, but it never worked out. So he went back practicing, waiting for his time to come, waiting for him to be able to put his music out there the right way.
He went back practicing, waiting for histime to come.
Do you know how many people are on America’s Got Talent when the show is recorded? And do you know how many people watch that thing on TV? Can you imagine how many people watch audition videos on the internet? Meeeen that video even reached me when my head was under a pillow and I was assessing various suicide methods.
He went back practicing, waiting for his time to come.
And that time came. Millions of people watched him sing. He never gave up. He was at this to become a star and it failed, but he did not kill himself. He neer said “This is not for me, I am going into construction, fuck this shit!” Never. He knew what he wanted from this life, the only one he will have, no draft, and he worked fucking hard for it.
Who was I to kill myself over a shitty and broke life.
I jumped (back) to my laptop to write this. It was so sudden my pillow is on the floor with my feet on it. I did not even noticed until I started looking for it to tell you guys where it was.
I knew you wouldn’t believe me if I did not show you.
Do you know what I am going to do right the fuck now?
I will tidy up this messy room, do one hour of HIIT and cardio because today is Day 5 of my lean and strong fitness challenge and I was so ready to give up though it is the last day, then I will take a shower and wash off my misery. Then I will do something valuable, something that will take me one step forward to my dream.
I will not kill myself because my life is shitty. Nooo my peeps. Let’s do lemonade with the fucking lemons life is throwing at me lately!
I took the time to tell you my story, you took the time to read it. I am so grateful for that! I’ll be even more grateful if you could take the time to hit the heart and share it too :)
Hello, my name is Befoune and I left my job to follow my dream!
I created the citizen media Elle Citoyenne to promote Citizens’ opinion and participation, and celebrate citizens’ actions for their communities in Africa and across the world. My dear friend Tchassa Kamga and I created the publication Self-Ish on Medium to document our lives as humans and share our experience in self improvement, content creation and what we call human relationships.