Grieving

I never really think about grieving. Tonight I went to therapy, which I find very helpful & I really like my therapist. But, since Alvin’s death I’ve been on auto pilot, being mom, wife, sister… I know that I always forget about myself.

I’ve been missing my sister so much & I’ve just been wanting to hang out and just be with her. I’ve been around Drew’s family so much, I just need my family. Chelsea is my family. Tonight, was very difficult because I let myself feel all the feels I’ve haven’t allowed myself to. I miss my mama EVERY SINGLE DAY. I remember always hearing people say that and thinking ‘thats crazy, no one could ever miss someone everyday’, but it is possible. I miss my mom everyday. Yesterday I just thought of the movie Romy & Michelle… that movie my mom and I would always do the thing Romy and Michelle did, the ‘UH, uh’, I just really needed to do that yesterday but I couldn’t call my mama and do that. It makes me sad sometimes that I cant do certain things with Chelsea that I used to do with my mom. At the same time, its good I cant do everything with Chelsea because then it really was just something special between me and my mama.

My mom was the most incredible woman, she could have a good time with anyone. She loved going out for good food, having a drink & just laughing. Me, my mama & Chelsea could laugh! We were always the loudest laughers… and typing this, I just cant believe she’s not here. My beautiful mama isn’t here because of a drunk driver. I’m so mad. I’m so sad. I need my mom. Why isn’t she here? I love her so much, & I just wish I talked to her more before she passed… Why didn’t I just go to Arkansas instead of Italy? Why didn’t I just stay with her and watch some movies. Why? Why are so many people dying? I was so grateful for so long that I had all my grandparents and aunts, uncles, parents… But, within the last year and a half 4 important people passed, 2 being the MOST important. I dont know how to do this. I mean I have to what I’ve been doing. I keep going everyday because I have a little girl to take care of.

Now, I just have to feel when I’m sad. I’m so good at just stuffing it away and not realizing that I need to let it go. I’m so grateful that I started therapy… its somewhere I get me time & actually figure out what I’m feeling.

In all this grieving, I’m wanting to start my photo project in honor of my mama. My goal is to try to get one shoot in before I move to Portland. I think I can do it! I know I can.