And This Time, I Will Be Whole.
After my therapist had let me rattle off everything that was wrong with me, we just sat there in silence for a little while, and I’ll admit, it took me some time to catch my breath. I don’t think either of us had expected a question as simple as “what brings you to therapy” would turn into thirty minutes of me describing my personality flaws, every single nook and cranny of who I am, that has lead me to where I am right now. She was the first one to break the silence with a phrase I was totally familiar with, and one that was no surprise to me: “It sounds like you’re circumstantially happy”.
After coming home from Costa Rica to the man of my dreams and becoming captain of my soccer team, I was on cloud 9. I think any reasonable person would be… I mean, have you seen the man? Have you seen the pictures of where I had just been?
So, I thought I was cured. I ignored my therapists’ many calls, begging me to come back, assuring me we still had work to do.
I thought my anxiety had finally wormed its way out of my life, that depression had gone on a permanent vacation, that my dependency was obsolete, that my trust issues had vanished, but it turns out I had just found another person to push my expectations of happiness onto and pull out of. I stole the oxygen from his lungs, I drained the energy from his body, I robbed the light from his eyes, and it wasn’t enough.
When it eventually ran out, so had his patience.
My clinginess and inability to be alone became annoying, keeping my anxiety at bay became a full time job, coaxing me while I threw up became a chore that he didn’t sign up for, and lifting the shackles of depression that chained me to my bed were getting too heavy for even him.
I had destroyed myself, and had stolen every good thing from him in the process. After begging and pleading from his end to get help, I agreed to change.
But I didn’t.
So here I find myself, sitting in this woman’s office, where I can feel even the paintings, books, and the clock on the wall judging me. How could you do this to him? After diminishing the love and the light from the only person I’d want to walk through life with, I sit here alone.
But maybe he did me a favor.
Maybe by leaving, I realized how much I did not take care of myself, how much I did not enjoy my life and the very short time I’ll spend on this earth. Maybe by leaving, he showed me how discontent and unable I was to be alone.
And maybe someday, he will come back. And this time, I will be whole.