mommy issues: poems about a daughter and her immigrant mother
poetry on the complex relationship between a daughter and her immigrant mother, and on the concept of motherhood
to my mom and anyone who has mommy issues
mary janes
slip the short bouffant dress
over her pigtailed head
her big, dark eyes stare
no different than a doll’s
mommy’s little asphyxiated princess
pretty and deranged in pink
if you peel away the porcelain,
there’s a sucrose-fueled gooey core
with a tree-climbing pair of
scraped up knees stretching down to
glossy mary janes you call píxié’s
delicate and feminine bound feet
bound like great grandma’s
torturous and slick so she can’t make it
above the first branch
and she wants nothing more
than to rip off the rosy tulle
buff the shine out of her shoes
move up and up and up
and up and up (and away)
into the trees
where they meet the clouds
her head always in the clouds
ocean circling back
you don’t hear me
and I don’t get you
our minds
across the ocean from each other
but sometimes, in hushed tones
we speak a language
only we understand
words crafted by misguided dogmatism,
passion, agony and fever dreams
face-melting highs and kill-me lows
that we don’t actually understand at all
the source of life but death by dehydration
we are a living antinomy
one and opposites
when there was a god
you taught me to pray
forgive me father
everything was easier then
for my sins
when I lived inside
in jesus’ name
your bubble of warmth
I pray
soft blankets covering my eyes
amen
in the lord’s kingdom
see you in heaven
away from the demons
that tear off my skin after dark
I didn’t know much or maybe even anything
anything at all
except that the god you taught me about
looked like you
and, rightfully so,
death never scared me then
only you
can utter words
like tiny spears
that carve slices on my tender skin
etching something I don’t recognize
leaving me delirious
with fury and pain
without even trying
I want to scream
and then
when the scar tissue forms
I wonder how many times
you have confused me
for yourself
lake of gold
bunny tails encircling our pond
so soft, I caress them with my inexperienced fingers
we scour the lake for speckled eggs
drop them into a basket
mentally prepare our special feast
we are hungry
but won’t leave before basking our souls
in the water, lake of gold
glistening ripples that don’t stop
dance with the wind, whoosh
you were everything to me then
as I was to you
sometimes I yearn for the simplicity
of finding duck eggs with you
in this world in another lifetime
the bunny tails swaying around me
as I was fully present in your love
safe and protected from it all
baby
we once spoke the same language
I was 宝宝
you understood me
I understood you
as my Zhōngwén slipped
so did we
no longer tethered together
by words and culture and necessity
sometimes I didn’t want you to be my
Mǔqīn
your words became foreign over time
not because I didn’t understand
but because they cut me
and mine cut you too
I’m sorry
I wish we spoke the same language again
one of tenderness and holding each other
through the night
calling for you
in the hood, our hood
seesaws and chipped plastic slides
my manic legs raced
or kicked the air
as I hung with my arms pulled tight
and said 妈妈 // Māmā
妈妈 // Māmā
妈妈 // Māmā
my tongue, one of
the daughter of foreigners
broken sounds, staccato shrieks
mandarin a mile a minute
a beautiful Black girl
said, momma, yeah, that’s your momma
and that was the first time
I felt understood
outside of you
jiù jiù wǒ
you saw me cry
and tried your best to tend to my hurt
by then, I knew a kiss
couldn’t heal my wounds
or my disturbed mind
Māmā jiù jiù wǒ
but I trusted
you knew better
because while I haven’t seen it
you told me about all of the times you cried too
other lives
brushstrokes sublime
garden full of green and the color of all flowers
moving to the rhythm, bringing you back to your roots
you are and were so much
one
two
three
and then
minus one
who died on purpose
did we ruin what you wished for yourself
I wash off my guilt at night
thinking about the other lives
you were meant to live
or at least could have lived
but you chose this one
back in time
I already know
I’m going to miss you when you’re gone
I’ve saved so many tears for you
but I’m afraid to connect with you now
because what if I fumble
or you shoot me to death again
pow pow
I just started living
my demons are tired
it feels comfortable, peaceful
to just hold on to those
Halcyon Moments
shiny distant memories
lotus soup
rising from mud,
pure, delicate, sacred
lotus flowers float with grace
and beauty
you always ask me if I want
lotus soup, my favorite
the dish of your hometown
in Asian culture, lotuses represent
rebirth and resilience
they thrive in onerous conditions
few make it to the surface
as I drink the broth flavored by the root
rich and savory
I am reminded of your strength
and your elegance as you dance
like lotus flowers blowing in the wind
the way you did when you were young
baby part 2
when I took the poison root
and the concrete beneath me became lava
it twisted my guts
as I tried to painfully piss
whispered to me whispered to me
that perhaps a 宝宝
is not what I want in this one short life
and would split my fragile body in two
you wailed by her grave and said
孙子, you were ready for them
maybe a new 宝宝 could replace
the unrelenting pain of losing your 宝宝
and the other ones too, how many
hospital bloodbaths like fountains
I imagine the tenderness you
had for each 宝宝 and how
no one taught you how to be a 母亲
in an alien world, but you found a way
like you always do
I may not be able to give you
what you want
our wants don’t usually align
but I hope I’m still enough
and I’m still your 宝宝 too
mèimei
she was your other half
if other halves existed
daughter, bǎobǎo, confidante
when she died
ensuring her own last breath stopped
dying on purpose
it killed something inside you too
inside all of us
but it gutted you empty
I journaled every day for a year
that first year
whispering to her across dimensions
streaked mascara
puppy dog whimpers
I promised her I’d try for her
you and I are opposites but so similar
I whispered if our timelines were different
maybe she and I could’ve been
best friends too
Jiějiě // Mèimei //
Zuì hǎo de péngyǒu
wechat secrets
everything is fine
her job is going well
she’s a happy girl
(she died from suicide)
last part unspoken
ma I love and miss you
your granddaughter is just fine
she’s thinking about you
don’t you worry
her job is going well
she’s a happy girl
(she died from suicide)
last part unspoken
expectations
I’m lucky
to have been so desperately
loved and adored
as a concept
your hopes and yearning
something akin to your own rebirth
contained in my budding cells
an idea to top all ideas
the antithesis of a mistake
I’m lucky
to have been held inside you
so tenderly
despite kicking hard, always
before I came headfirst
no medicine to soothe
your bleeding gashes
did I materialized into
someone
a living, breathing person
you love as much?
candy
small and circular,
adult smarties
sliced down the middle
mostly yellow, a few orange
a color blind test in the tube
what if I chewed them all up and melted into this mattress
melted
melted
melted straight into heaven
they don’t leave a lump in the throat
they go down smooth
you took them first
because you went to the hospital
a few times
dad talked about how the peanut
sweets were your favorite
and he’d buy them for you on dates
I don’t know when I’ll stop eating candy
I loved it as a child
was addicted to the taste
and I love it now
*published by Dream Boy Book Club (August 2023)
old things and places
wrigley’s double mint
juicy juice
robitussen I would gag on
something chinese, herbal and bitter
a toy dinosaur
my innocent hands concealed
you ran back in to return it
value city, kmart
toys-r-us on a lucky day
remember when you took me
there when I cried all afternoon
because of a bitch ass bully
aldi’s and big lots
you called it big-a-lau-se
sheepy, the very best companion
the little books I would create
with my imagination alone
blockbuster or hollywood pictures?
twin dragon
house of sun
next to the smutty sex store
with thonged mannequins
in the windows
and the wizard plumbing van
in the lot
no Chinese restaurant could beat it
that first house in the cul-de-sac
after leaving the apartment I was
almost kidnapped from
foreign woman
the American Ladies
acted like the Little Girl
knew more than the Foreign Woman
rolled their eyes in plain sight
scoffed, chuckled,
shooting the Little Girl
knowing glances,
initiation into a club she didn’t want to be in
when the Foreign Woman made her mad
the Little Girl learned to weaponize
this against the Foreign Woman
how many times did the Little Girl
make the Foreign Woman
wish she never got on that train
in Hubei to go to the airport
the Little Girl
now an American Lady
thinks of the Foreign Woman
buying colorful fish for her aquarium
& seeds for her garden
& brushes for her paintings
& self-care items to treat her aches
seethes at the idea
of any American Lady
making the Foreign Woman
feel like anything less
than an Accomplished, Worthy Human
she loves
mommy undearest
he said stop it, stop it
you’re like a fucking mom
one he disdained with all his heart
she gave away her entire being
cut open her skin, spilled the blood
drip drip drip
into his veins
PLEASE LOVE ME
turns out they weren’t the
same blood type
held his hand as his fingers turned blue
wiped his drool as he convulsed
eyes rolled into the back of his skull
called, waited, prayed for the antidote
did things she swore she’d never do
she would do anything for him
literally anything
she would die for him
he said it meant nothing
because he would die too
for anyone
why didn’t she just let him die?
she wanted to save him
because she didn’t know
how to save herself
ahhhhhhh
what would she have thought
if she could think
coming into this world
red faced, shrieking
screaming hard with
a fresh set of strong tiny lungs
ahhhhhhhh
what would she have said
other than thank you
thank you Māmā
for the Ultimate Sacrifice
I guess
everything is disorienting, fuck
I’m not sure what’s going on
someone make it make sense
ahhhhhhhh
I’m glad you survived the carnage
you’re a warrior but I am not
I am afraid, afraid in my soul already
for so many reasons
the suffering ends with me
take care
you lied to me
she howled, on your grave
you said you’d take care of me
when I’m old
YOU PROMISED ME
you lied
HOW COULD YOU
it’s not really about that
she just wanted to ensure you’d still be around
and be able to live past 23
she was worried you may not
with your thoughts of walking into headlights
and wishing to be murdered
when mom got her hysterectomy
you took care of her
those selfies from when she was pale-faced
and you were smiling big, holding her
will always be there
just like you will be for mom
when she is old, like you promised
from wherever you are now
Fang Fang
it draws blood
the way a fang is supposed to
I shriek STOPITSTOPIT
ITFUCKINGHURTS
the kids spit in my face
I bite you
it makes wiping the spit off easier
xenia ling
is easier to swallow than zhenling
fang fang (fong fong)
the kids go for the jugular
the blood drips like a hot syrup
Māmā jiù jiù wǒ
Zhenling
you rescue me
I don’t cry like I used to
I sharpen my fangs
Fang Fang, call me by my name
my mother’s daughter
always and forever
mommy issues
I have them
and I have issues
with the idea of
being a mommy
one can be a mommy and many things
undoubtedly
but I just want to be
Me
there’s only one of me
and she comes first
finally
