Presumption of love again
WE have all been there. The soul crushing, completely raw emotional turmoil that consumes a lover scorned. These walls that we create are built upon the hurt inflicted upon us or that we inflict upon ourselves. Sometimes it comes without warning. The signs are clearly there from past misconceptions that have left us bleeding before. We don’t gaze upon those signs too long because it is different this time. The mind is an amazing place and for the functions is fulfills it can be rather daft in matters of the heart. The signs it misses because the raging dopamine of love has it drunk. Then something happens to create a complete clarity of mind, it remembers. As the defeat is building, it now remembers the before. The dopamine levels are dropping. The stomach is churning and swallowing becomes one of the only functions that feels normal. The mind is starting to shut down from normal functioning and a burning takes hold. The familiar burn, the garbled thoughts… it is beginning again. Barely breathing and holding on to a table to support the shaking in our legs as our life blood spills. Breathing but not receiving the oxygen needed to sustain the functioning of our body. Maddening thoughts desperately wanting release but not leaving. Spurring on other thoughts, a cacophony of relentless that repeats and screams and continues the breathlessness until we are a glob of unrepentant love lying on the floor alone.
There will be no next time. We tell ourselves. We believe it with such strong conviction the hope starts to flow like tiny granules of sugar back in to our being. The pallor of our face is just barely registering signs of life again. We pick our glob selves up off the floor and regain feeling back in our limbs. We promise our heart it is the last time. We continue back in our lives. The happiness returns if we are capable of loving ourselves, if not, we are hatred tied and bound. The happy ones are able to function, have relationships but rarely get too close. The tied and bound repeat the process with guy after guy, latching on too quickly, ignoring all the signs, and repeat the hurt time and time again. The happy may give love another chance, but not for awhile and not with out much hesitation. The reaction of the loved is highly sensitive and potentially reactionary. Love does not come easily because the loved know their worth and aren’t willing to settle for less than their worth. Yet, as highly functioning as the loved are, how do they get past the little missteps that occur in functioning relationships. How does the heart learn to differentiate the missteps from the glaring neon signs that are missed on dopamine induced highs? How do we teach our heart that the familiar hurt is not the same? Or is it?