Scientists Stumped Over New Evidence of Women Unable to Complete Their

Woman attempting to talk.

Martha Strong, a Senior Manager at Legion Paper Co. in New Jersey, recalled a day that was different from the rest. “When we met for our morning meeting, I realized Mark, my supervisor, was out sick, and John, one of the VPs, was still in the Caribbean with his girlfriend Stacey, leaving just us ladies in the boardroom. As I neared the end of my first point about the McCarren account, I was puzzled by a strange silence. For the first time in my professional career no one interrupted me. I didn’t really know what to do so I just told my favorite joke and cried,” said Ms. Strong.

Ms. Strong is not alone, as new cases are reported each day of women forgetting how to complete their sentences. Researchers attribute this to the female effort to adapt to the modern day workplace, anticipating their male colleagues’ interjections, such as “Oh, I have an idea” or “Could we all just take a step back here?”

“At its core, we can recognize this as conservation of energy,” says Don Rapaport of the New School of Social Research in New York. “Women are getting so smart these days. They anticipate the inevitability of being interrupted, so they think, why waste the energy? In fact Darwin would have been excited to see this contemporary example of ‘survival of the fittest’. I wouldn’t be surprised if Broca’s area becomes a vestige of the female anatomy over the next few generations.”

After visiting one Wall Street firm it was revealed that some male associates believe “pay inequality” is unfounded and is actually company compensation for the ability to exceed their female counterparts’ verbal contribution. “Yeah, I believe in pay-more-say-more,” said Rob Huntington, “plus, I just can’t help if my ideas are better,” a perspective Dr. Rapaport believes could be responsible for the recent influx of cases.

When asked to comment on her experience, Professor Ann Marting, of University of California, Berkeley, said she recently found herself only preparing the first half of her sentences for meetings, knowing full well she would never have to complete them. “In the rare case that I’m not interrupted, I flounder through an unfamiliar silence, and begin to list off random words that pop into my head, my grocery list, or I recite Lewis Carroll’s poem ‘Jabberwocky’ until a male colleague finally butts…” said Dr. Marting before trailing off into an associative list of cleaning products.

Some women are attempting what has been dubbed “quicktalk.” The approach consists of a woman speaking quickly enough to complete an idea before a man realizes she is talking and interrupts her. An unintended consequence of this, of course, is speaking too quickly for anyone to understand what the woman says, thereby bringing us back to square one.

Concerns rise as researchers recall the impact figures like Tina Fey, Gloria Steinem, and Secretary Clinton once had as they completed not only sentences, but entire speeches. Scientists are unsure of what lasting evolutionary effects this epidemic might have on future generations, ultimately drawing into question whether the female race is headed in an entirely silent direction.