Transit Analysts Encourage Women to Go Home

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

When LA native, Daniel Simone, steps out of his Burbank apartment each morning, there is one thing he dreads more than the stench of Judy from Accounting’s tuna melt sandwich. It’s his commute.

“Women have had a nice run in the workforce, but just listening to the AM traffic report makes it clear that they’re clogging up the freeways. It’s time for them to go back where they belong,” says Simone, “let’s just hope they aren’t as attached to having jobs as they are after one Tinder date.”

With barely enough room on sidewalks, trains, or highways, it is harder than ever to get anywhere, much less to work on time. Cities have resorted to hiring train pushers, and disguising PSAs about traffic problems as blockbuster movie-musical-love-stories, with A-list stars. “But none of this is a long term solution,” says transit analysts James Dwyer of the National Center for Transit Research at the University of Florida.

“Since women joined the workforce, we have seen an exponential increase in commuter congestion each year,” adds Dwyer, whose research indicates women are a root cause of the transportation crisis. “By encouraging women to follow their true calling as caretakers, we will return to a simpler time with less traffic.”

“It’s not just the increase in commuter population,” says neurologist Marcel Springer of the Massachusetts General Hospital. “The female brain is wired differently from the male brain. Women are driven by feelings and emotions, and can only see the big picture, making them incapable of reading detailed maps or directions, much less drive under the pressures of rush hour traffic.”

When Former Senior Account Manager, Tanya Manning, of Jackrabbit Design realized her skill-set better qualified her as a housewife, she could no longer bear the guilt of contributing to commuter congestion. “I finally had to admit that my strength was not in landing accounts, but in planning the office holiday party, and baking delicious treats to surprise my coworkers with for their birthdays,” said Manning, after sharing a favorite red velvet cupcake recipe and the family secret to a perfect snickerdoodle.

While there are concerns over who will fill secretary, teaching, nursing, and dental hygienist positions, economists’ spirits rise, as they see this as an opportunity for job growth in the United States, claiming for years women have been stealing “all the jobs.”