Notes to my exes

Or anyone who meant more than just a kiss

K

So fucking long ago. I don’t think there’s anything left in me regarding our relationship. You’ve been a friend for so long that I only have nice thoughts about you nowadays. I get super proud of your every achievement, cuz when I think about how we used to be back then, I just think “hell yeah, look at where we are now!”. Who would’ve guessed? I loved seeing you two years ago. Wish you nothing but the best.

“I was like you/I won’t let you fall apart”

M

If anyone here deserves an apology, you’re the one. I’m not brave enough to say it to your face because I honestly think it would be extremely pretentious of me, to think you still give a fuck after all these years. But what you don’t know is just how important our relationship was to the building of my identity, and how late I figured that out. It wasn’t until last year that I realized that, yes, we were together for a long time, you meant a lot to me, it wasn’t something silly or childish. It’s who I am. I wonder what would’ve happened to us under different circumstances, if we were older, closer. I see your pictures on Facebook and you look so happy with her. It always brings a smile to my face. There’s nothing I want more than for you to be happy like that. You’re an amazing person and you deserve it all. I see now what a bitch I was, and I hope you forgave me in your heart. I still have plans to go see you, one day, and give you a big hug. I’ll always care for you.

R

Finally, I don’t have a lot to say about you. Well, not finally, I got to that stage some years ago. I’d just rather let things stay in the past, seeing there’s no point in bad feelings now. Funny is, if anyone’s gonna read this, it’ll be you. Hope your family’s doing well.

J

I’m listening to La Roux and thinking about a time when the lyrics reminded me of you. I was so fucking young and naive, but then I think that maybe you were too. That doesn’t mean I’m capable of forgiving you. You got everything backwards, you made me fall for you even if I knew we had no possible future — for obvious reasons, I was always way more realistic than you gave me credit for — and then at the very end you disappeared. Left me with no goodbye. Huge fucking coward. To this day you probably still think that things would’ve happened in a way I would never allow them to. Probably still think I don’t know you hooked up with my friends. But I was always one step ahead of you. I don’t think I’ll ever see you again.

“Burning bridges shore to shore I break away from something more/I’m not to, not to love until it’s cheap/Been there, done that, messed around/I’m having fun, don’t put me down/I’ll never let you sweep me off my feet/This time, baby, I’ll be bulletproof”

D

I could never really understand you. Never knew what to expect. I guess in a way our conversations have always been constructed with short sentences, trying hard to overcome language barriers, grasping to communicate, until we would be alone, let go of everything and words were no longer necessary, every failed attempt to connect spiritually left behind to connect physically. You left a mark in me and will always remind me of a great time in my life. I’m sorry everything was so confusing and I was terrible handling it all. I never meant for all that shit to go down at the end and I ended up hurting everyone, including myself. Hope to see you again one day, have some coffee and laugh about it all.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen/When the worst thing that could happen/Could be the best thing ever? We’re not forever, you’re not the one/You and I, we’re a time bomb”