WTF Straight Guys, WTF

Hello fellow assholes, hope your fragile egos are doing okay. It’s been quite some time and quite some partners since I untied the ribbon around my gift box and yet, you still manage to surprise me.

Nowadays I am in London to tame an uncanny desire of mine -about which I definitely will write when I am drunk enough- and for I am here, I wanted to stuff me face with some Marylebone sausages. You know, I am a little lady with a big appetite.

Naturally, I updated my Tinder profile. I always enjoy a well aged man or wine, so I set the age limit between 30 and 45, then started swiping.

Honestly, I love blonde men. It is one of my weaknesses amongst thick dicks, good sense of humour, non rhotic accent and suede boots. -even writing all these made me lowkey wet. it is that serious, guys. if any of you checks all the boxes, mail me or something. i can swim across the ocean for you.- And my dearest London has so, so many blonde men to offer. Therefore, first 15 minutes of me on Tinder went like a blur. *swipe right, swipe right, swipe right, throw phone to the right* If my account was not premium, I am sure I would run out of swipes. -honestly though, i have premium because when i am drunk or high or both, i keep making accidental swipes and if you live in istanbul where handsome men are rare gems, you don’t want to let them disappear.-

A rare picture of me when I see blonde men

That is how I found this artsy Scottish man. He is a freelance artist and has a unique yet mostly comprehensible accent. He has a nice taste in music and fashion, he gets my eDGyY humour, he lives a little bit far away but sends me an Über. And two best things about him are as follows:
1. He rolls joints everytime I am there.
2. He is a hugger. But he ain’t no ordinary hugger, y’all. He is a deluxe premium platinum five star rated hugger. He hugs all night without complaining about numb limbs or hot weather and pulls you closer every once in a while.

So far so good, right?

But hear this: He hasn’t made me come. Not even once. 
And hear also this: He has never asked if I came. Not even once.

I am a quite straightforward person. I go there, I have my chat, if I like him, I get naked while having that chat. He in, he out, he in, he out, we good. Afterwards we can spend hours on getting to know each other or watching something on telly, but getting rid of that sexual tension first is vital.

So the first time we had sex, he got pretty surprised how focused I was on the prize. And I got surprised that he got surprised, -horrrrrific sentence, i know.- I mean he is a good looking artist, we dig that. Getting into a Tinder date’s panties in the first 20 minutes shouldn’t be such a rarity? -you know, tinder date. we all are there to fuck.-

Anyways, I thought he didn’t even ask me if I had came just because he was surprised. So I hugged him and fell asleep.

Next time he was kind of tipsy, so it took him a while to come. Oh fuck that, I will be honest. It took him 47 minutes of intense blowjob to come. 47 (forty fucking seven) fucking minutes of blowjob.

My back is of no use at this point. I don’t think I can ever be able to bend over. But at least it was not a particularly big one so my jaw is still intact. That is a good thing, right?

So, I don’t get it. Why don’t you ask your partner if they came? Just. Why? It is a fact that most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm so no shame if you cannot make her come just by being in her. We never blame you for that. But for Cher’s sake, you straight dude, ASK HER IF SHE CAME. And if the answer is no, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I mean, YOU HAGGIS FACE, I SPENT FUCKING 47 MINUTES SUCKING ON YOUR AVERAGE DICK AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE IF I COME. YOU ABOVE AVERAGE ASSHOLE.

Ehm. What was I saying? Sex is something reciprocal. Especially if it is casual. You are not my husband, not my long term partner, not even my crush. If I care to make you come, you should care to make me come. I expect that. Everyone expects that. It is out of fucking decency. It is one of the unspoken rules of casual dating. -huh. i can write an article on that.-

So, be a nice person. Mind your partner’s pleasure too. Especially if she selflessly sucked you until you come. But in general, be nice.

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