Notes from Conversation Transformation

I read a great book called Conversation Transformation over the last couple of weeks. Found it really valuable.

Audio summarizing and reflecting on what I learned

Some of my written notes

Key takeaways

Communication should seek to minimize noise. It should seek to have both people on the same page. This means communicate clearly and directly. Have simple stories that are easy to follow to help people understand.

The ultimate goal of any conversation is to turn it into a team game. Your task is to make sure you’re on the same team instead of opponents. There is a joint problem you should work to solve together.

Background on changing your brain to change your communication style

The behavior (combination of tone, words, and nonverbal are the problem). The reason for a bad conversation is not the person or the topic, it’s the behavior. If one person can have good behavior, most problems go away in the long run.

Neuro-plasticity is real. Our brains can change. We create well-traveled paths that are our defaults. Changing those takes work. Our actions lead. 
“Your brain and personality remain relatively stable because you keep behaving in consistent ways.”

Three steps to changing your brain:

Step 1: Awareness
First, realize that there is something to change. 
Then, start paying closer attention to this thing. Doing something with focused attention has greater effect than doing something on autopilot. 
Finally, observe. Observe your thoughts and your actions. Labeling them can be useful.

Step 2: Action
What to do when you see that you are on a bad path towards the old rut/habit? Anything other than your old default behavior! 
Warning: This will feel uncomfortable. It should! That’s a good sign!

Step 3: Practice
Once you get to action, you have to keep practicing to build the new path. 
Practice is better when it’s rewarding (you like it!), it’s intensive (you do it all at once — go hard for a short period of time), and it’s incremental (start small and slowly work your way up.

Specific things that show up in communication and what to do

Yes-but
Problem: Sends mixed messages and puts people into someone has to be right mode.
Solution: Strong building statements followed by an exploring statement. Instead of “Yeah, but I have to work on Friday” … “It would be so great to get out of town. We could hike. We could see my parents. That would be wonderful. I wonder how I can make that happen given that I have to work on Friday” (Key: Shift in mindset away from resistance and toward genuine curiosity)
When someone else is yes-butting you: Same response! Switch to building and exploring.

Mind reads
Problem: We make assumptions that are often based on our fears/biases instead of reality.
Solution: Catch yourself making a mind read, then straight up ask a super simple question. Prefer yes or no. “Were you upset when I went out with my friends on Friday?”
When someone else is trying to read your mind: Same response! Ask them. Communicate directly. Get what is happening in people’s brains out in the open.

Negative (or positive) predictions
Problem: We avoid uncertainty by constantly making predictions about the future that hurts our ability to do the best thing right now.
Solution: Gather genuine facts about what’s real that let’s you take the best behavior given reality. In the end, accept the future as unknown.
When someone else is making predictions: Same response! Ask questions. State facts. Get back to reality

Leading questions
Problem: Leading questions roll an opinion and a question all into one. “That person is a bad leader, don’t you think?”. They make people feel manipulated and decrease the chance we get a sincere opinion from someone else (presumably the reason we asked the question in the first place)
Solution: State an opinion and a follow up question (in either order). “I struggle to trust X’s leadership. How do you feel?”.
When someone else is leading you: Paraphrase their opinion and/or question to make it clear to them that you sensed both an opinion and a question in there. Then respond to whichever feels more appropriate.

Complaining
Problem: Complaining comes from and leads to a victim mindset. It blocks problem solving and a sense of hopelessness. It’s annoying to be around, too.
Solution: Instead of complaining, figure out 1) What you want and 2) The most effective way to get it. (aka transform complains into positive actions)
When someone else is complaining: There is a temptation to problem solve for the other person. Don’t do it. The goal is to get them out of the victim/complaining mindset. To this by: 1) Ask them what they really want 2) Ask them what proposal they can make to get that thing they want [Warning: sometimes when someone is complaining they just want to be heard/empathy.]

Blaming
Problem: We blame and attack because we are feeling discomfort. It is a unproductive way of expressing hostile/negative feelings.
Solution: First, calm down. If you are about to blame someone or get angry, odds are you are feeling intense emotions. You’ll be a better communicator by getting out of this “flooding” state. Then: 1) Identify your feelings “I feel afraid and hurt” 2) Identify a productive goal “I want X in the future” 3) Verbalize these things. Find words to meet your goal using feeling statements, fact statements, proposals, and questions. Example… Instead of this blame: “You always dominate the meetings” Use a feeling: “I left the meeting today feeling frustrated” a fact: “My proposal was last on the agenda and we didn’t get to it” and a question: “What can I do to get more air time for my ideas?”
When someone else is blaming you: Recognize that the other person is upset; help them calm down. Make the other person feel heard. Paraphrase how they are feeling so they know you understand (called “mirroring”).