I Had a Lot of Coffee Yesterday

As a professional person and frequently bearded adult (pronounced “a-DOLT”), it is my duty to drink as much coffee as possible in a given day. It tastes pretty good, looks super cool, and makes you go to the bathroom often (which, subsequently, positions you to work less). These are all good traits. However, when you drink too much coffee (or espresso, specifically), as I did yesterday, bad things happen.

Maybe it was because the espresso at Ost Cafe in the East Village was particularly powerful, or perhaps I was just concerned about dying alone, but regardless, it got to me. I was shaking. And not “shaking” like how some over-privileged girls describe themselves angrily reacting to something minuscule, like Starbucks running out of pump caramel syrup, for instance. No, this was real shaking. Twitching, in fact. My heart was sweating.

Yet, I don’t know why I feel the need to fill my body with that much caffeine. There are some people who literally cannot wake up in the morning until their first cup of Joe; but for me, it’s not like that. There’s often days where I don’t take one sip of coffee. So it must be out of impulsive indulgence.

On a final note, before I curl up into a ball on the floor, I think that if my body were to be described by a pop, love ballad from the past ten or so years—but with slightly altered lyrics to properly address my current state—it would have to be “[My] Body is a Wonderland [With Lots of Caffeine-Induced Earthquakes].” So thanks a lot for my disposition, John Mayer.