Breakfast biscuits are bullshit (I have proof).

No, this isn’t clickbait, this is just how I feel.

Earlier this year I dressed up like a uni student and made fun of breakfast biscuits because it was o-week and thought it would be a good time to make a funny video about #campuslife as a former res student. It also provided me with an opportunity to express my true feelings about breakfast biscuits.

I hate them.

Yeah. Take that.

You know that part of a movie where a character says the title of the movie and you privately snicker to yourself? Well get ready to snicker smarty-pants because here it comes: breakfast biscuits are bullshit (and I have proof).

Let’s start with a little experiment you can do in your own home. Say it out loud to yourself right now, say the two words “breakfast biscuits.”*

Doesn’t sound weird does it? “Benedict, a breakfast biscuit are just one of many nutritional choices one can make in the morning!” Fuck off, they are not. I’m no nutritionist (check out my LinkedIn) but when I think of healthy breakfasts I picture fruit, porridge, avocado, some multi-grain toast and maybe even an egg. Something rich to help you kick into gear and start the day strong.

Now picture your favourite biscuit, or biscuits if picking one is going to be like picking a favourite child (me). Chances are, your favourite biscuit is going to be something that is high in sugar and with almost no nutritional value. The sort of food you shove in your mouth at 3:59 pm and hope no one saw or judged you.

It appears by magically adding the word ‘breakfast’ before the word ‘biscuit’ cereal companies have made it widely acceptable for people to eat biscuits for breakfast. Say that last part out loud again; ‘biscuits for breakfast.’*

As I mentioned before, I’m no nutritionist (please believe me, I’m not) but I firmly believe at some point we have to draw the line at what cereal companies are offering us. Biscuits are not something you should have for breakfast, as a general rule neither is anything that you’d usually wait until after dinner to eat.

“But Benny they’ve got bits of fruit in them and stuff?” Yeah, so do jam drops, Iced Vovos and those weird ones your grandma always had that came in a strip that you had to break apart. You wouldn’t have those for breakfast would you?

“Well you’re meant to have yogurt and fruit with them?” Imagine walking into work in the morning to see someone dipping Monte Carlos into yogurt and eating them. I wouldn’t only think that they don’t understand breakfast, I’d think they don’t understand life (even if they had them with fruit). Someone who does that would be the sort of co-worker your friends are excited to hear you talk about.

“What about people who don’t have time for breakfast? You can take them with you, they’re convenient.” More convenient that a slice of toast? Or an apple? Wake up a bit earlier for fuck’s sake. I don’t want to tell anyone how to live their life, but in my experience, people who skip breakfast are the most likely ones to stand by your desk and tell you how hectic their day has been for 15 minutes. Many people claim to not have time to make dinner but serving biscuits to your family for dinner is the sort of thing that would eventually come to the attention of government services.

“But they’re better for you than most things.” Bullshit. I saw ones made by Sanitarium that had a three star health rating. And if you’re thinking ‘Oh, well 60% ain’t bad’ please allow me to make you aware Nutri-Grain has a four star health rating, a cereal that is three parts sugar. Just to be clear, a cereal that has less nutritional value than the box it comes in is meant to be better for you than breakfast biscuits, and do you know why?

BECAUSE BISCUITS AREN’T FOR FUCKING BREAKFAST THAT’S FUCKING WHY!

For a company like Sanitarium to promote a product like their flagship Weet-Bix as a healthy breakfast option, to turn around and make some sugary shit using that same branding, it really proves they don’t give a fuck about your health (I’m so sorry). They spent your childhood years telling you that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and that ‘9 out of 10’ nutritionist recommend eating Weet-Bix, only sell you down the river by telling you it’s OK to eat biscuits for breakfast because you don’t have time to make cereal or toast.

If you’re wondering, no, I’m not some anti-sugar nazi who has just watched That Sugar Film for the first time. While I steer clear of sugary drinks there is still a percentage of sugar in my diet. What I am against is the idea that you can replace breakfast with biscuits and that it is somehow going to be healthy. Eat a fucking dick, how does that make any sense?

Do you want to know what breakfast biscuits really are? They’re Pop-Tarts for people who aren’t brave enough to admit they want Pop-Tarts. They are Pop-Tarts for cowards. And I’ve had enough.

Breakfast biscuits do not make sense. They sound like a fake product from Drake and Josh and we need to stop falling for it. I’ll say one final time, I’m not a nutritionist (seriously, I can’t even spell it right half the time) but I will please urge you to not fall for some marketing bullshit that could eventually give way to Breakfast Ice-Cream or Breakfast Macarons.

*If you actually did say this out load, thank you. I consider you to be a friend.