PHP is Inherently Insecure

STOP USING PHP ALREADY. ITS A FRACTAL OF BAD DESIGN AND STUFF.

I’ve reached the following conclusion, modern PHP is inherently insecure and you should stop using it immediately.

So why does PHP suck? Ha, other than the fact that it’s only used by senior citizens? Only an old graybeard that hates their life would keep using it. So why are you using it anyway?!

Ok you want reasons, ugh, here we go:

• Dynamic typing. Real programmers use static typing, take a CS class or something noob.
• Syntax. What’s up with these semicolons everywhere? Can you imagine the security issues that might happen if you forget one of those thousands upon thousands of semicolons? That’s right, your site goes down.
• OOP. You’d think this popular web language would have classes by now. Not PHP, still slinging procedural code like OOP was never invented.
• Named Functions. Ok, we have to use functions everywhere since PHP doesn’t know what a class is, let’s at least pretend we’re cool and use closures. PHP LAUGHS AT YOU. PHP doesn’t have time for that. There are no anonymous functions. Crazy.
• JIT compiling. PHP doesn’t require you to compile ahead of time. I KNOW RIGHT. You just type shit and hope that it does what you expect at compile time. It’s time to go back to C people, the one true language.
• Speed. It’s slow, have you ever tried an endless loop in PHP? It takes FOREVER.
• PEAR. The preferred PHP package manager. My god, have you ever seen the libraries on there? Some of the worst code I’ve ever seen. I tell ya, if someone comes along with a modern package manager for PHP they’ll be rich!
• No Rails. How do you expect me to take a language seriously if it doesn’t run “on Rails”. This is 2014 people!

In conclusion. You should buy my ebook, Building Secure PHP Apps. Then switch to Node or C on Rails like a real programmer. Also, if you’re angry after reading this you should go mix a drink and lighten up, it’s not my fault PHP is still on version 3.