Ben Elves
Ben Elves
Jul 21, 2017 · 5 min read

Email; the world’s answer to everything.

I have a confession. I was born in the late ‘60s.

Way back then in the murky fog of ancient history, society and commerce did not function, and everybody was entirely ignorant of everything going on around them. Oh, and bankers and politicians were honest too. Another terrible thing about those far off days was that people had to take responsibility for things like; messages they had been given on the new-fangled magic telephone, or by somebody doing that out-dated thing known as “getting off their chair and passing a message personally”.

Nowadays however, things are much different, as we live in a state of bliss; shirking responsibility and getting away with never properly having to interact with the real world or other people- thanks to that wonderful thing called the Email. A very wise friend of mine from Ireland once said that Email was the best way yet invented of not communicating with people, and how right he was.

These days it would appear that nothing can happen without an email, and I will give you a prime example. A few years ago I worked as an Engineering Technician for a high tech company in Northern Ireland. A machine I was trying to fix needed an expensive new part which I knew was not held in stock, so I went to speak to the relevant Engineer who could order the part. I explained the situation and he agreed that the new part was required. Things were going well! But then it all fell apart.

“Send me an email about it” he said “and I will get it ordered after lunch.”

I was confused. “Errr….why?” I asked.

“I might forget” he replied,” but if you email me about this, I can transfer it to my to-do list ….I keep a database of jobs on my computer and can set a reminder on it in the diary.” It was as if this ridiculous request he had just made was entirely sensible.

At this point my sarcasm gland became overactive. “Right,” said I, “so I have to go downstairs, log onto a computer, wait for God knows how long for the damned thing to log into the intranet, open up my email, write you a request that you already know about, log off, and wait for you to decide to open your emails later on this afternoon….. if you remember. All this; so you can write yourself a reminder on a list on your computer…… when sat right under your nose, is a pen and a piece of paper, which you could write a note on so you won’t forget. No. I won’t send you a bloody email.” And I walked away wondering where common sense had flown off to.

The end result of this was: I was reported to the Engineering Director (probably with an Email) as supposedly I had upset the Engineer, I was put on a disciplinary for “poor work effort” as I had refused to do as asked by a “superior”, and guess what? He never ordered the part because after he put in a complaint about me and then went for lunch…………he forgot.

I learned my lesson. The next time I needed a part ordering, I emailed him. Sadly I did not know he was away on a week’s holiday, and that part didn’t get ordered either.

So having discussed this delightful issue of the Holy Scripture of the Email with friends, family and colleagues, general concensus of opinion is that their main purpose appears to be to cover ones rear end in case something goes wrong, and the expectation that it will; and this begs some powerful social and commercial questions. Are we truly living in an era where everybody is so lacking in self confidence that we feel we have to document every decision we make and task that we are given in case we have made an error? Or is it that we live in a time where we have such a lack of trust in our Managers that we are aware that at any time we could be caught up in a witch hunt caused by somebody else’s incompetance?

And now a third question springs to mind; why is it that the criteria for gaining any employment usually contains the words “good communication skills”? Surely it should read “able to use Email and know where the Spellcheck button is”. It is a good job the military hasn’t caught up with Civvy Street yet; imagine the scene…..

“I have a clear shot at the enemy Sir!”

“Okay Corporal, get back to base and send me an email….you can blow his head off when I reply.”

“But Sir, he is about to fire an effing great rocket at me!!”

“Would you rather be on a Final Written Warning Corporal? And don’t swear or I will send an Email to Human Resources about that too….. ”

Now emails don’t come naturally to me…I actually prefer to pass a message personally, or on the magic telephone thingummybob; which probably makes me a freak, and it has taken me a good few years to get used to the idea of regularly checking my email account. In my last job I once went through a period of two months without logging on; I was just too busy actually working for a living and running around trying to fix machines (which I was convinced I was employed to do). Then I was called in to see the Engineering Director, who informed me that the sheer volume of unread emails in my inbox was upsetting the IT department. For days they had been trying to contact me to tell me to read my Emails. I protested…..the IT department haven’t said a word, and I have been in their office 4 times in the past two weeks….nobody has said a thing!

“They shouldn’t have to speak to you,” spaketh the director, “they have Emailed you several times about it…….”

Now though, I have joined the modern world, and check my Emails every couple of days. Provided of course that having a life and work to do does not get in the way. And what a wonderful world has opened up!! I get told loads of things that are of absolutely no relevance to me, and I get to see how much corperate time is wasted by people writing messages about absolute trivia, and can also have a very good guess at how much time is wasted by people having to read through their inbox in a vain attempt to ascertain if there is actually anything in it that applies to them.

It also turns out that there is suspicious activity on eight bank accounts that I don’t have, a score or more Russian women want to marry me, and several African ex-president’s widows want to make me a multi-millionaire. All exciting stuff! Sadly, and this is quite disturbing; it would also appear that I have small breasts. But the good news is that this is an issue that can be resolved with an email too.

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