How your passions can lead to love over real Coffee Meets Bagels

Let’s face it — We all probably have friends obsessed with different dating apps, from Coffee Meets Bagel & Bumble to Tindr & Inner Circle. There is a desperate dating world out there. In Hong Kong, Coffee Meets Bagel claims to help singles find meaningful relationships rather than one-night stands and 66% of HongKongers log onto the downloadable app every day. That’s the highest rate of all the apps on the market. What does that say about us? I had a friend who used 4 of these apps and dated up to 10 guys a week trying to find the right match. While some of the “bagels” became real dates, such as when she brought an expat newcomer to experience Hong Kong’s culture at the June 4th Tiananmen memorial, others became flings and some even bailed on the date.
Finding love is tough — and if you are too busy to meet singles outside your work, then finding love online might be best.
But, is it?
I argue that meeting people IRL (in real life) is still very important, and there are many ways to do so. First, cultivate a hobby of interest, be it coffee-tasting, scuba-diving, playing saxophone, ballroom dancing, reading manga, pottery-making etc. Some of these maybe more “otaku” (a reference in Japan for young person who is obsessed with computers or particular aspects of popular culture to the detriment of their social skills.) than others, but even hobbies like playing e-sports can be a conversation starter about what you really enjoy and why you are so passionate about it. Yes, I know, maybe some people prefer a “boring, stable” partner that will just go along with whatever you want to do. But most people enjoy stimulating conversations, and it can be over a common interest or something that your date has no idea about but can learn from you. Showing your true passions expresses your energy and dedication to pursue something you love, and this speaks positively for your character.

These hobbies hopefully help you meet people or make friends with those who share and appreciate your passion. And if those “Bagels” don’t turn out to appreciate your hobbies, maybe they will tell their friends about your special hobby and introduce you to them. I don’t believe in the idea that you should get so fixated that your “Bagel” must be a romantic match as sometimes it doesn’t work with meeting a complete stranger, or even someone referred by your best friend. Love does not fit easily into any equation and is based on chemistry and a variety of other reasons that make love work. So instead of completing your KPI (Key Performance Indicator) to find that “right” date in the next month, don’t set-aside expanding your social circle or inviting someone you don’t typically hang out with to join it. Attend a social gathering with the mindset of making new friends rather than finding a potential significant other. This keeps you open, less pressured, and therefore more yourself when meeting others. Even if no sparks fly with guests, you never know who these new friends can introduce you to in their extended networks. Being open-minded about yourself and others might lead you to random serendipity that you don’t foresee. Some people at events are quiet, shy, or may be trying too hard to impress and are not themselves. By meeting them on a later occasion, you may see a completely different person than what you first met, so don’t rule them out of the love equation
Go To A Place Where Someone You’re Attracted Would Go. This one makes so much sense, but it’s probably not something you think about often. Insert yourself into situations where you can attract your “tribe.” Are you attracted to a jazz lover, an animal lover, a trail-walker? Figure out what “type” of person you imagine dating and how would they spend their day. If you want someone who loves animals, maybe go to Sai Kung harbourfront on the weekend. If you want someone hilarious, sign-up for improv classes at Take Out Comedy. If you love the outdoors, join a Dragon Boat team. The best activities are those that continue for a few weeks, giving you enough opportunity to get to gradually know new people.

Here are some other tips for dating IRL. Dating IRL doesn’t mean you need to constantly search for the next person to meet. It also means looking inwards to yourself as to what you want and can mean taking yourself on a date or to meditate. Challenge yourself to get all dressed up and take yourself out to dinner in the way you’d like to be treated on a date. This is a great exercise for confidence building and for lessening the fear of being judged. Both these skills are needed in the dating field. While you might feel awkward at the beginning, you are giving yourself the opportunity to step out of your comfy, cozy comfort zone which is an important skill to develop when dating and creating your love life. You will then feel more comfortable in your own skin.
What does meditation have to do with dating and love? Probably more than you expect. The more you practice mindfulness, the more aware you are of self-defeating thoughts that may make you feel cynical and disheartened about your dating life. Leaving your phone at home and taking a mindful walk, can also let you focus solely on physical sensations and the environment around you. Meditating and mindfulness can help you manage your dating and relationship stress as well as reduce anxiety.
One way that works for me is to change my routine slightly. If you have the same 9 to 6 every day, take the same route, and go to the same café, you may be pleasantly surprised by going to new places. It can be as easy as getting coffee from a new shop on your way to work. Challenge yourself to stop by a new cafe or grocery store — deviating from routine can increase possibilities of meeting new people. The worst that can happen is you don’t meet anybody interesting, but at least you’ll taste a new cup of coffee, meet a new barista, or admire the deco in the new cafe. Posting that picture of a new latte on your Instagram might also lead to new likes and followers. You never know the possibilities when you are open, challenge yourself, and shake up your routine.
Now, I challenge you or your single friends to go App-less for one month, and experiment with this new way of meeting people IRL. I hope you’ll get to enjoy a cup of coffee and vegan bagel IRL with your next date. Let’s get real.
