Mindful dating tips

Co-authored with mindfulness instructor Berna Lee (https://www.facebook.com/startminimedi/)

How to find your true love with mindful dating?

In our last article we discussed mindful versus mindless dating, here we’ll give some tips on mindful dating.

1. Profile — To be a mindful dater you want to create a honest profile that reflects the true you and really let people to know more about you, of course you can also choose to create a “fake” profile and just write about your ideal self and not your true self. There is no right or wrong and you’ll attract different type of people. But then, next….
2. What do you want? — If you are mindful and want to be careful in what you are getting in to, you would need to make a list of your non negotiable in a relationship. On the other hand, you can tell yourself that there are no rules that you want to abide into and be completely open to any types of relationship, from an open, complicated one to whatever that is. Then, the question is, what do you want?
3. Quantity or Quality — Do you want lots of dates to explore the dating market out there, or do you want to go on as few first dates as possible and get into a serious relationship within a certain time frame? If you don’t know what you want, you’ll have a much harder time finding it. It might works to see lots of people to figure out what you really like, of if you are time conscious, mindful dating will work better for you.

Bad example of an online-dating profile.

How do you match?

You can connect with your potential better half through mindful activities (e.g. yoga meditation, personal grown, green living). But of course, mindfulness is a state of being and it can be any activity. If it works? Maybe you can engage mindfully in all kind of activities like mindful eating, clubbing or drinking too? Again, the state of mind and the intention of your date is more important than what you do in your first date, or what hobbies you have mutual interest with .

Mindful clubbing? It doesn’t matter what activities you are engaged with your potential better half, it’s more about your state of mind.

Energy

Is your energy for being warm, open and happy on your dates and open to new ideas? Or are you frustrated easily with the wrong dates? Choosing mindfully would help you having a better chance of making it work while dating mindlessly or lets say carelessly might end up be frustrated with the wrong date. Nevertheless in mindful dating, we can always start fresh once we are conscious about what is going on, after all that’s exactly what mindfulness is about! Just treat it as a getting-to-know-you experience and turn that experience to just a networking and not romantic one. Of course, it always help to bring positive energy to your dating life, and choose to believe there is purpose in the process. Some suggestions

• Study your date’s profile closely and mention the details in the date
• Smile
• Be authentic and relax

Stay positive and don’t be afraid to meet new people

Communication

Being mindful of how you communicate with your visual/verbal/body language, as if you are dating carelessly you might be giving the wrong signal/impression to your potential date. A lot of guys in Hong Kong complain that Hong Kong girls do most of the talking, so yes, give space to others, listen as much or more than you talk, being a good communicator doesn’t mean to talk endlessly but listening actively is also important in keeping an engage dialogue. When you can listen actively, you’ll notice details about your date, from their favourite World Cup player to their favourite Dayo Wong’s moments, you’ll need to be mindful for an event and equal exchange between the two people. Also, get ready for an interesting topic that you are passionate about, regardless of what you are passionate about, from the best icecream cafe Hong Kong to the best IG photo spots, find something that you are passionate about and make yourself a compelling, intriguing person.

Mindful Listening: Paying attention to a person’s words, tones of voice, body language, facial expressions, and other nuances.

Set your boundaries

Do you just want to meet this person briefly to occupy time? Or you want to have quick sex and see how they are good or bad? Or keep your date to a short one to limit expectations, and walk away if you dont’ think it’s right. It is important to lay down the ground rules for dating, it can be something like if you will accept an open relationship, to when is it ok to PDA. Even if you are a “ carefree mindless” dater you should still be proactive in determining and setting your boundaries. Just like Fifty shades of grey, we might need some “safe words”, or set what people can say to you and how you wish to be treated. It is better for both sides with defined boundaries to reinforce self-esteem and emotional health.

For example, you shouldn’t force yourself in a date. If after a two hours date you clearly know that this person isn’t going to be a good fit for you, don’t try to force it, simply enjoy the date for what it is and move forward. Maybe if this guy is not right for you, “recycle” him and refer him to another friend? That could be a nice thing too. Also depending if you are wanting a SP (i.e. sex partner), a happy date, an intellectual companion, you should go into a date with an open mind with the expectation to have fun and make a new friend, and not just having unrealistic expectations. If that person turns up not respecting your boundaries repeatedly, it is perfectly ok to walk away and maintain self-respect your dating life. You need to do that to protect yourself before the relationship becoming physically or emotionally abusive.

MEDITATE!! When lost in the matters of love, STOP and dive in with curiosity!

A great inner adventure in grounding ourselves for creativity and mental capacity to manifest your desire starting from within.

Steps to STOP:

• 1) Stop all the doings
• 2) Take a deep breath
• 3) Observe your breath
• 4) Proceed your day

STOP and love with kindness.

Can’t sit still just yet? Start getting into the mindful momentum by engaging in activities that is fun and requires the synchronization of body and breath, set a coffee date at a new spot, try out a partner exercise whether it is yoga, kayaking or just a walk on the beach, in nature, this will gradually bring both of you into that zone in getting to know each other better in a deeper way.

It is important to remind ourselves to be fully present with our body, mind and heart in connecting with others, whoever truly enjoys the moment will always be the winner whether of the hearts or a great time. When we make space around our clutter mind, with meditation or simply being mindful in our everyday lives, new ideas will blossom and you will be able to reflect on your dating status with more clarity.

NAMASTE.