Hymn of the Weekend

I find myself writing here at Ninth Street Espresso totally by chance.

Maybe it was the chilly air’s meek attempt at stopping me from my random city biking adventures. Or maybe it was me feeling the need to get a caffeine fix. Either way, it was spontaneous, and at the same time, deeply self-gratifying, to find a place where there’s almost [just almost] the best mashup of people, music and cultural exchanges. From Blockchain/Bitcoin exchanges between the 2 Brits beside me and the usual “Oh he’s cute” conversations between 2 girl BFFs sitting behind me. And of course, a huge shoutout to ma man — free-wifi, for making all of this possible in the first place.

This certainly feels like a good build up to one of those feel-good posts isn’t it? But I shall now take a abrupt. U-turn. here and discuss a one word topic sentence that people tend to shun away from. And that is — fear.

Fear. Everyone has their own definitions of what it is and I shall therefore not delve too much into it. For me, I choose to believe that the fear of failure is what drags us down more often than not. Also, it is probably on the top of everyone’s hit list if there was something that they hate about themselves and wish to ‘kill’. Fear makes you feel weak, powerless, helpless and worthless. In that spilt-second moment of truth, you start to feel as if all four walls are closing in on you and that there’s really no place for you to run. I guess it is all largely due in part of disappointment kicking in whenever reality falls way short of one’s expectations. As you can tell by now, I’m pushing really hard for the below mentioned mathematical equation to be valid and true for all values between 0 and 1, where

Disappointment = Reality (minus) Expectation < 0

But there’s also that other side of fear — its innate ability to force you to be adaptable. Once you start becoming more self-aware of your weaknesses, you’re allowing yourself to grow. You start becoming a more complete person, someone who is better at managing your deepest insecurities. Someone who knows that there will always be that one more try for you to get things right. Someone who is able to empathise and give up more for the people around you that you truly care about. Fear should never be about a show of vulnerability, but instead, it should be celebrated as a show of strength and courage, whereby you’ve given yourself the chance to right all those wrongs.

But even as I say that, there’s this one fear inside me I can’t seem to circumvent.

I feel like I’m living on borrowed time all this while.

My world has felt so much larger since moving to New York City. From breathing in the burning smell of asphalt on the roads as I rode all around Manhattan and Brooklyn to hopping onto a car for some of the best road trips around the East Coast to immersing myself into the tech start-up ecosystem here through hackathons and various interest groups. I started feeling as though anything was possible again and I’ve not felt this sense of adrenaline in a long, long while. You start having those do-those lists and you anticipate gleefully the day where all those unchecked boxes of yours become checked. You could actively sought out your own fix of new experiences almost every other day.

The thought of returning home next year in August brings about an unspoken expectation in me that everything will stay the same. But little did I know, the people I’ve left behind have probably moved on.

And I would be no different from any of them.