In response to “When God Sends Your Daughter a White Husband”

For years I prayed for a young man I had yet to meet: my daughter’s husband. I asked the Lord to make him godly, kind, a great dad, and a good provider. I was proud of a wish list void of unrealistic expectations. After all, I knew not to ask for a college football quarterback who loved puppies, majored in nuclear rocket science, and wanted to take his expertise to the mission field. I was an open-minded mom.

If the entire article is about race, you might dive deeper into your hopes and expectations here. You might not have expected a quarterback, but you at LEAST imagined they would be white. — Benjamin YoungSavage

But God called my bluff.

This is an insinuation that God bargained with you in “sending” you a Black son in law. The message that a Black son in law is a test of what you prayed for is troubling. — Jameelah Jones

This white, 53-year-old mother hadn’t counted on God sending an African American with dreads named Glenn.

Highlighting one’s blackness when entering your space/family as a challenge from God is white supremacy not Christ. Glenn is a child of God, a black male, and already a member of Christ’s family along with you. He is not a challenge or test from God. God is in the business of drawing all peoples to Himself. This marriage affords him that work. The challenge comes from the society we live in and being individuals influenced by that society. —Henry Boima Johnson

Why hadn't you counted on that? What you're saying here is that the man who met your above requirements you prayed for would naturally be white. Could he NOT be a Black man?
Why the mention of his locs? Think of the imagery you are creating to other white readers. MESSAGE : “AND he had DREADS of all things”. You are playing on the stereotype of Black mean as dead-headed thugs you should be afraid of. — Jameelah Jones

Glenn came to Christ in college and served him passionately. He worked while attending classes and volunteered at church in an after-school program for urban kids. He graduated and found a job as an application developer for Blue Cross and Blue Shield. I noticed he opened doors for my daughter, Anna, even at the grocery store.

Godly. Kind. Well on his way to being a great dad and a good provider. I could only smile at God’s plan and asked his forgiveness for my presumptions. Still, my impressive wish list for Anna’s husband paled in comparison to her own: “He loves Jesus, Mom. That’s it. That’s my wish list. Jesus lover.” Then a grin came across her face. “It’s really awesome he’s also cute, right?” Anna took a deep breath and with a sparkle in her eyes asked: “So, Mom, what do you think?”

What were your presumptions? Get real about that, especially since you claim you never shared prejudices in the next paragraph. — Jameelah Jones

Asking forgiveness for your presumptions is not same as asking for forgiveness for your racism/white supremacy lean. Presumptions sound innocent, and they can be. Nevertheless, the premise and entirety of what is posited in this article seems to align with white is preferred and good. That’s not just a presumption, that’s racism. — Henry Boima Johnson

I really wished you’d dived deeper on this (especially given your other articles about listening to your daughter). Was she nervous about talking to you? Why did she take a deep breath? — Benjamin YoungSavage

It wasn’t long ago that interracial marriage — particularly a black man like Glenn marrying a white girl like Anna — was considered the ultimate taboo in American white society. (In fact, it was illegal in 16 states until 1967, when the Supreme Court ruled in Loving v. Virginia that race-based restrictions violated the Constitution’s Equal Protection Clause. Hence the film releasing this fall, Loving.) Though I never shared this prejudice, I never expected the issue to enter my life.

You are drawing some comparisons here beyond race and your readers know it. What does a black man like Glen and a white girl like Anna mean? Black mean are not “issues”. You never expected “the issue” to enter your life?
— Jameelah Jones

Though this law was passed, many local jurisdictions continued to dissuade them, including one as recent as 2009.
Did you consider it taboo to marry interracially? Would you have dated or married a black man at your daughter’s age? Why or why not? 
— Benjamin YoungSavage

Saying you weren’t prejudiced, but then in the same line calling “Interracial Marriage” a never expected issue? Think interracial marriage is an issue is at best prejudiced defined. At worst? White supremacy.
Glenn and we black men are not issues to be dealt with. We are not here to convince/win you over for our humanity or faith.If that’s where you were, that’s where you were. If that’s where you still are that someone has to ignore their blackness, thrive in your eyes “in spite” of it, or be accepted when you thought their blackness was enough reason to keep them out?? That’s problematic and not emblematic of our Christ. — Henry Boima Johnson

How easy it is to not share a prejudice until it enters our lives. I think what you mean to say here is, “Honestly, I shared this prejudice,” and then used this piece to truly repent and call other white Christians to do the same. —Jason Chesnut

To the parent like me who never envisioned her daughter in an interracial marriage, here are eight things to remember when your white daughter brings a black man home for dinner.

Why did you never imagine that? This is indicative of the prejudice that you claim you never had. The whole idea of this article as suggestions to other white moms is indicative of a larger white cultural problem of aversion to interracial relationships, particularly relationships of white women with Black men. — Jameelah Jones

What did you think when they were dating? Did you not think they would get married? How long did they date before they got married? Did you talk about it before then? Surely this topic came up before the wedding day?
— Benjamin YoungSavage

1. Remember your theology.

Because your first reaction will be to forget it? — Jameelah Jones

Remember the theology of white supremacy is the one that separates. This is why we still have to move from black to in Christ.If you truly believed we were made in God’s image, His children, and members of one another — the shift (from black to Christ) would not be needed. — Henry Boima Johnson

All ethnicities are made in the image of God, have one ancestor, and can trace their roots to the same parents, Adam and Eve.

As you pray for your daughter to choose well, pray for your eyes to see clearly, too. Glenn moved from being a black man to beloved son when I saw his true identity as an image bearer of God, a brother in Christ, and a fellow heir to God’s promises.

This is by far, the worst sentence. Really. I could write quite a bt about why this is such a problem but to keep it brief: Being a nice person does not mean that Glenn somehow transcended his Blackness. Glenn is and always will be Black and Black men are image bearers of God, brothers in Christ, and fellow heirs to Gods promises. Glenn is BOTH. — Jameelah Jones

Cosign with Jameelah. — Dorothy N. Charles

2. Remember to rejoice in all things.

This repetition of the word “remember”. . .like you have to consistently remind your fellow white women not to think the worst of Black men. — Jameelah Jones

If your daughter has chosen a man who’s in Christ, and assuming there are no serious objections to their union, loving her well means not only permitting an interracial marriage but also celebrating it. My daughter’s question, “What do you think?” needed more than a tolerant shoulder shrug. She needed to know I loved Glenn too. I’m deeply grateful my daughter chose this particular man, and I try to tell him often.

I can’t rejoice in you tolerating/permitting black people in your families. Love is Jesus, not white supremacy. Permitting and tolerance here doesn’t sound like our Christ. It sounds like a blessing a hate-filled woman is bestowing on a lowly black man. — Henry Boima Johnson

“Permitting an interracial marriage” just sounds really wrong. It implies that you would not permit an interracial marriage otherwise. — Benjamin YoungSavage

For you to have an understanding of tolerance as the bare minimum, this article reads as a teaching of the basic levels of tolerance that make up a “not overtly racist” interaction. — Jameelah Jones

3. Remember no Christian marriage is promised a trial-free life.

It bothers me deeply that you would consider Glenn’s race a trial. — Benjamin YoungSavage

COSIGN with Benjamin. — Dorothy N. Charles

Cosign with Benjamin. — Jameelah Jones

One woman in church looked over at Anna and Glenn and gingerly asked, “Are they . . . dating?”

Go more into this. What was she implying? What was going through her head? Why did she ask THAT way vs any other way?
 — Benjamin YoungSavage

“Engaged!” I grinned and winked at them.

She gave a pained smile, and then sighed and shook her head. “It’s just . . . their future children. They have no idea what’s ahead of them!”

Maybe ANNA has no idea, but Im pretty sure Glenn has been Black for his entire life and knows exactly what his future children will face. This overarching concern for the welfare of Anna while completely ignoring Glenn is, again, troubling. — Jameelah Jones

Cosigned with Jameelah. — Dorothy N. Charles

Kids/youth often see people’s humanity better than “adults”. Kids only can unlearn what we teach them. Quite often these same kids being worried over are the ones who help us unlearn what we’ve been taught.
— Henry Boima Johnson

I really want to know what she meant by this.
Does she have a problem with mixed kids?
How does she view race relations in this country? How do you? Is the future bright? Dismal?
I’d challenge that they have no idea what’s ahead of them. Anna has some concept of what it would mean to marry a Black man. And raise children with him. She’s thought about it. As has Glenn. Love may be blind, but it’s not so blind that they didn’t think of it. — Benjamin YoungSavage

I nodded. “When Jim and I were married, we had no idea what was ahead of us either. I stopped believing the lie we could control our trials years ago.”

The “trials” you and Jim speak of have nothing to do with racism and are not comparable to racism in any way. The idea that “well, its just like any other marriage”, is willfully ignorant to the racism that they WILL experience. — Jameelah Jones

Cosigned. — Dorothy N. Charles

John Piper said it well:

Christ does not call us to a prudent life, but to a God-centered, Christ-exalting, justice-advancing, counter-cultural, risk-taking life of love and courage. Will it be harder to be married to another race, and will it be harder for the kids? Maybe. Maybe not. But since when is that the way a Christian thinks? Life is hard. And the more you love, the harder it gets.

It is ALWAYS harder to marry across races. Harder for the relationship, harder for the family. But in many many many many ways, much more rewarding. 
I’m going to disagree with Piper there. It’s important to know what you’re facing and the problems others will have with your love so that you can be ready when the racism comes.— Benjamin YoungSavage

And to be honest, interracial marriage is hard not only because of potential cultural differences but also because of racism! — Dorothy N. Charles

Usually, white people will address race issues with something like “life is hard”. You should explore some Black theologians. Love doesnt fix racism. — Jameelah Jones

Life is harder when you’re black and live in a racist society similar to the way that it’s harder when you’re a woman and live in a sexist society. Not that those things are equivalent, but they are similar. — Dorothy N. Charles

4. Remember to be patient with family members.

Calling Uncle Fred a bigot because he doesn’t want your daughter in an interracial marriage dehumanizes him and doesn’t help your daughter either. Lovingly bear with others’ fears, concerns, and objections while firmly supporting your daughter and son-in-law. Don’t cut naysayers off if they aren’t undermining the marriage. Pray for them.

Is Uncle Fred a bigot? Then Uncle Fred needs to be called a bigot. And your son in law Glenn needs to know you are firmly on the side of racial reconciliation rather than sweeping it under the rug. Rebuke bigots in the name of Christ. 
If someone is vocally saying they do not want your daughter in an interracial relationship, they are undermining the marriage. 
What’s the action, other than prayer? Prayer is important, but so is action. — Benjamin YoungSavage

Probably the second worst part. IF you ask most Black folks what the first step to racial reconciliation is, they will tell you to call out your family and friends who perpetuate racism. Uncle Fred is a bigot if he has a problem with his niece marrying a Black man, and you need to tell him that. 
Calling out racism does NOT in ANY way, dehumanize the offender. And once again, we’ve left of Glenn. What do you think Uncle Fred’s bigotry does to HIM? A white person who is a “naysayer” of an interracial marriage is a racist. Period.
— Jameelah Jones

COSIGNED with Benjamin & Jameelah. — Dorothy N. Charles

It is dehumanizing to call a racist, racist? No. The racist Uncle Fred is the true dehumanizer. Lovingly letting people keep being racist is not loving; that’s keeping the status quo and choosing hate over love. 
— Henry Boima Johnson

5. Remember your daughter’s ultimate loyalty is not to you or your family, but to the Lord.

Several people asked Anna and Glenn, “Which world will you live in — black or white?” But it’s not his world, her world, or even our world.

Who are these people? Why did they ask this? — Benjamin YoungSavage

Stop living in white world, expecting us to heed it’s blatant racism or white supremacy, and then claim it’s Jesus’ world. Christ’s kingdom is a house of prayer for all peoples and home for every, nation, tribe, and tongue. To not work for that world? Is not working for Christ’s world.
 — Henry Boima Johnson

Yes, the acknowledgement of two different worlds speaks directly to the racism that Black people face- the racism that you have yet to acknowledge.
— Jameelah Jones

Interracial marriage in Christ is not about the joining of two races and cultures into one. It’s not about a new ethnic heritage. It’s about unwavering allegiance to the one true God and all he may require of the couple as soldiers of Jesus. After all, Christians are “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Pet. 2:9).

Do you see that after effectively whitewashing Glenn’s world of being black in America, you quote 1st Peter that talks about a “race,” as though being white or black doesn’t matter? It so incredibly does matter. (Also, that tired light-is-good and darkness-is-bad dichotomy plays a stinging note given your overall focus.) — Jason Chesnut

Cosigned. — Dorothy N. Charles

Cosigned. — Benjamin YoungSavage

6. Remember the groom’s family.

Thanks for remembering our families. The thing is we are not not only your family, but we are you/one. We are together the Body of Christ and members of one another. — Henry Boima Johnson

Before the wedding I reached out to Glenn’s mom, Felicia. As we sat and talked about our children, we realized we have similar hopes and dreams for them. As we share a common bond, I’m hopeful Felicia can become a friend.

Do not use this Black woman’s friendship as your ticket to racial reconciliation. Question: what were your relationships with Black people like before Glenn entered your life?? Would you be in close community with Black folks had your daughter not married a Black man? — Jameelah Jones

Cosigned. — Jason Chesnut

Cosigned. — Benjamin YoungSavage

Seems a bit condescending to me, as if, out of the goodness of your heart, you went out of your way to “reach” her. It’s reminiscent of the way the white Evangelical church talks about “reaching out” to lost souls in my opinion. 
If she were white, would you be “hopeful” that you would end up friends? Also, why couldn’t you be friends to begin with? Do you not share other “common bonds” other than the bond by marriage? You are both women, for example; is that not also a “common bond”? You both have children. It seems strange to me that you feel like the only thing you have in common with Felicia is that you’re now in-laws.
— Dorothy N. Charles

Cosigned. — Jason Chesnut

Cosigned. — Benjamin YoungSavage

Cosigned.— Jameelah Jones

When you realized you had hoped and dreams that were similar, was this a revelation for her? Or more for you? Did she somehow thing that your hopes and dreams wouldn’t align with hers? What about fears and worries? Were those the same too? — Benjamin YoungSavage

The blood that poured on Calvary’s tree matters more than the blood pouring in our veins. Always. Always. Always. — Henry Boima Johnson

How might Christ be honored if such relationships were being built alongside every interracial marriage?

7. Remember heaven’s demographics.

Heaven’s demographics are dreamy. But Jesus prayed: On Earth as it is in Heaven. That’s the work…NOW. That is Isaiah’s vision and John’s revelation?? Jesus said the kingdom has come and is coming. That is Yahweh’s promise to Abraham, and God sending Jesus for the world?? The kingdom has come and is coming. And since the kingdom has come/is coming, please walk in light of Christ and His kingdom, not American white supremacy. 
— Henry Boima Johnson

Remember that like your job, your friend circles, and probably your church- heaven wont be all white. — Jameelah Jones

Heaven won’t all be “one race” either. We can see how we are different from each other and see the joy in the difference! God never asked us to be colorblind! — Dorothy N. Charles

The diversity present in Genesis 1 is called good, very good. Please stop making heaven into some kind of race-less, diversity-less “utopia.” It’s dangerous and un-biblical. — Jason Chesnut

As Anna and Glenn stood before our pastor and joined their two lives into one, I realized their union was a foretaste of a glory yet to come: “After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes” (Rev. 7:9).

8. Remember to die to your expectations.

Please get clear about what you expected and clearer about your obvious disappointment that your son in law isn’t “what you expected” 
— Jameelah Jones

Dying to expectations is dreamy. Dying to self is what Jesus demands.
 — Henry Boima Johnson

As a nervous young man sat in my living room, I handed him the ring my deceased husband gave me the day he asked me to marry him. With a lump in my throat, I swallowed hard and said, “Glenn, have a jeweler put it in a new setting and make it your own. It’s precious to me, but you and Anna are of far greater value than that.”

This is important. In this gesture you are encouraging him to be fully himself. No whitewashing, not conforming, just being himself. Wonderful, Black, man of God. — Benjamin YoungSavage

Far greater value indeed.

Parents, teach your daughters early to choose well. Pray hard and often. Then trust her judgment to the sovereignty of God, and rejoice with her in the goodness of God.

What exactly do you mean by “well”? Do you feel that Anna did not choose well — even at least, initially? Why or why not? Do black or brown folks have to be/act/look a certain way for you to consider them “good”?
Beyond “rejoicing with your daughter,” are you also loving your son-in-law like he were your own child? Do you love his mom like she were your sister? His family, as if they were part of yours? Joy does not exist outside of love. — Dorothy N. Charles

You should be meet my wonderful, amazing, and gracious in-laws. They bless my blackness instead of enduring it. For real. My in-laws are great. They made my wife Paul to my Onesimus — because of her, right away, I was family. They taught me what it means that because of Christ, in God’s eyes, I am ok. They look like our Christ. Indeed. — Henry Boima Johnson

Personal Notes:

Thanks for being open to comments on your article. I’m sure it must be difficult to see your writing strongly criticized on the internet (including, I’ll admit, in my own tweets), and I know you meant well, so I appreciate your being open to comments from some black Christian folks.

I’m sure that, right now, it’s easy to be defensive and say that you’re not racist or whatever. Or maybe you feel guilty. Either way, it doesn’t mean you’re an evil person; it means you grew up in a racist society that taught you harmful beliefs about people of color (PoC) like myself. And you’re not alone; even PoC are affected by it. I’ve internalized my fair share of racism, leading to self-hate and low self-esteem, but I thank God that I learned to love and value and completely accept who I am, despite being taught otherwise by a society that upholds principles of white supremacy.

But thankfully, we all have opportunities to unlearn this racism and actively work to keep our implicit biases in check but also to engage in the work of dismantling white supremacist systems that exist in every aspect of our lives — and yes, that includes the Church. Again, I appreciate your willingness to hear what PoC have to say about this. I know interracial marriage wasn’t something you were expecting for your daughter, but it really is a beautiful and blessed thing! And you can and definitely should love your son-in-law — not despite his blackness — but because of it, because it’s what makes him who he is, and his blackness is something that God sees as “very good.”

Anyhow, if you have questions about what it’s like to grow up biracial and for me to see my parents’ interracial marriage (black & Asian) and their relationship with in-laws and such, feel free to DM me on twitter: @dn_charles. Take care!

In Christ,
Dorothy