Make America Great Again

Hi, Josh, thanks for coming in early for this meeting. How are you?

I’m doing pretty well. Still getting the sleep out of my eyes.

Great, great. Now, we’re here to brief you on some minor changes that new legislation has made to the way our company runs as a whole. I’m about to spew a whole bunch of technical mumbo jumbo your way so stop me if I need to clarify any of the points in the outline. Sound good?

Sounds good.

Would you like some coconut water?

No, I’m fine, thank you.

Alright then! Now, do you remember a few years ago when the Supreme Court made that little decision about corporate personhood?

Yeah, I think so.

Good. Well, we’ve been doing our yearly reviews and it turns out that your specific position nets our company less than $25,000 a year. Does that sound about right?

I don’t know what metrics you guys are using but I’m almost certain my sales have been more than that.

Of course, yes, your sales have been much more than that but we’ve taken the time to factor in paid lunch breaks, restroom breaks, client expenditures, at-work phone calls, paid walks between your desk and the front door, as well as a myriad of other factors. Our formula indicates that your exact contribution to the company is $23,457. With this in mind, I’m obligated to inform you that you are an asset to this company.

Thank you.

I don’t think you quite understand. You are no longer technically an employee.

Am I being fired?

Of course not! You are literally an asset.

So this is a good thing?

Because you have contributed less than $25,000 to the total revenue of the company, the company now literally describes you as an asset, i.e. property owned by a person or company, regarded as having value and available to meet debts, commitments, or legacies.

Wait, you guys own me? What, so I’m a slave?

Hahahahahaha, no, of course not.

Jesus. Okay.

You would have to be a person to be a slave.

Be a person?

Yes, you’re an asset now. We can’t own people. That would be slavery.

I’m some sort of indentured servant?

Once again, you would technically have to be a person to be an indentured servant. More like an indentured investment.

I’m sorry, this is all crazy. I’m going to need a moment.

Josh, really all you need to know is that you’re now getting full health benefits!

Wow, really?

And full dental!

That’s pretty great considering I’ve had this toothache for the last week.

We gotta keep you healthy and keep those teeth white!

Thank you.

Otherwise you might lose your value. That reminds me, you’re not allowed to drink coffee anymore.