Emotional labor: what people mean
I know too many people who keep quiet about politics and social justice because they’re afraid they’ll say the wrong thing and offend somebody. I bet you know people like that too.
And I’m not an expert on this stuff. I don’t always have the right language to dive into the tough topics that dominate my news feed. But I do have Google, and the determination to find reliable and diverse voices who are already writing about issues that the rest of us need to understand so badly.
Emotional labour is a skill set. It is work that is supportive, that lifts people up and holds space when things are hard. Often invisible, emotional labour is always working behind the scenes. Foundational to emotional labour is the capacity to listen deeply without trying to fix things; to hold space for people moving through difficult feelings; to offer constructive feedback; to help people feel loved, valued, seen, and cared for. Emotional labour can look like remembering that people need to eat. It can look like making sure a space is clean and ready for work to happen. It can mean being available, showing up, holding someone’s hand, making space for someone’s pain. Sometimes emotional labour takes the form of educating others, of drawing on painful lived experiences to offer up important knowledge. Sometimes it takes the form of creating the conditions for others to speak their truth. For those of us who do emotional labour frequently, we can be very good at it without having ever articulated what it is we are actually doing. It is only when emotional labour fails to happen and things start to fall apart that we begin to notice how essential this work is.
Go read it all: Three Thoughts on Emotional Labour by Clementine Morrigan
Lately some feminists have returned to this age-old problem and given it a name: “emotional labor.” The term, like the problem, isn’t new — it’s been in circulation at least since sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild’s 1979 book The Managed Heart. But Hochschild was describing the rise of waged work contingent upon the manipulation of feeling — the smile of the “service with a smile” performed by workers such as flight attendants or waitstaff. In more recent discussions, feminists have refocused this concept on the everyday caretaking that women perform in their interpersonal relationships with men. That care, they insist, is work and so should be paid.
Go read it all: Love’s Labor Earned by J.C. Pan
Emotional labor is the exertion of energy for the purpose of addressing people’s feelings, making people comfortable, or living up to social expectations. It’s called “emotional labor” because it ends up using — and often draining — our emotional resources.
Now, don’t get me wrong: Asking friends for advice, reaching out to people in your line of work, and other actions I’m about to mention can be part of a healthy relationship. The issue arises when it’s not reciprocal.
Many marginalized people can tell you that people frequently make demands of them that cross the line from participation in a mutual relationship to work — and unpaid work, at that. Because we’re assumed to be naturally emotionally intelligent and nurturing, people don’t always understand that this is work for us. And because we’re expected to put others before ourselves, a lot of people don’t even care.
Go read it all: 50 Ways People Expect Constant Emotional Labor from Women and Femmes
Here are some other ways women are expected to perform emotional labor that men just aren’t.
By Rejecting People Kindly …
Protecting Men’s Egos …
Assuming The Bulk Of Childcare …
Guessing How Men Are Feeling …
Taking Abuse …
Go read it all: 5 Ways Women Are Expected To Perform Emotional Labor That Men Just Aren’t by Suzannah Weiss
In groups, I’ve been kind. I’ve been patient. I’ve laid my spirit out and repeated myself 50–11 times to answer the same questions over and over again, begging people to see my humanity. And still, people center themselves, pour white tears all over their posts and flouncing/rage quitting groups after PoC have lost their patience with them. They feel entitled to MY energy, MY kindness, MY brainpower and then discard it all by deleting comments, blocking me, or leaving groups. They think MY intellectual labor is not worth THEIR money.
Activism does not come with a check for most people. And when it does, the people cashing those checks are most often white and/or male (see Tim Wise, Shaun King, DeRay McKesson). We give so much to advocate for truth, love and equity. We give because we are lovers and fighters and sacrifice our own backs and our fronts and mental health for the hope that one day, our children won’t have to. We do all of this while we are dealing with the same shit white people are dealing with like trying to make ends meet, sick parents, sick kids, etc. while also dealing with the violence of whiteness.
Go read it all: On educating white folks: That will be…$90. We accept Paypal. by Asia Renée
So go read all of these! And let me know what has helped you understand emotional labo(u)r (links and powerful quotes also appreciated).
For more roundups, check out my main list of stories. And if you found this helpful, I’d appreciate a clap!
