Desperation…

Benny Think.
Jul 30, 2017 · 3 min read

It’s been awhile since my last post on Medium, and it’s been a much more longer since we had a real conversation. But in the past few days, I was feeling more hopeless everyday. I noticed everything about you, I analysed your time table, just clearly to find out your intern job was really a hardship, you always ended your job after nine or ten, you worked in Saturday. I am not even sure about our encounter next month, you’re just too….far too busy. Perhaps you’re take “busy” as an excuse for me.

These days I noticed a few changes in your bio. You change your WeChat bio to the old saying that was once written in your QQ bio. I am quite curious to whom are you referring to? To whom have you fall in love with? Am I the right guy? Probably I’m just illusional. How could that be me? You have refused me multiple times, how could that be me all of a sudden?

After I updated dynamic fortunes to your blog, I soon noticed you post “Nothing will ever compare” on your weibo. That was exactly the last fortune I made on your blog. Was that because of you accidently saw my confession? I just don’t know it yet.

And I saw you change your Twitter bio. You said you like interesting people and things. So how to define interesting? Am I interesting enough for you? Do you like me?

Oh come on, please don’t cheat on yourself. How could she ever fall in love with me? Look at her response on Telegram. She’s not willing to chat, not willing to say anything other than a single “Okay”. How could she cared about me? It’s just hilarious to think about that, narcissism.

A few minutes ago, I saw your update on Twitter and WeChat. You published something over two platforms, and I thought this was really something to you, something important and worthing cherish. You tweet is “ ココロ” which means “heart”. A heart? For whom? The one who pleased you? The one who makes you willing to make up for him? The one we always called boyfriend? This was just plain guess. I zoomed in, I noticed that was an iPhone 6 with an neutral protective shell. Whose phone? A boy or a girl? I’m sorry for the jealous. I’m jealous…why can’t that one be me? I’ve always want to share time and enjoyment with you but seldom get that chance.

I observed everything, but nothing gives me any good hints. I’m just felt hopeless and desperate as ever. Honey, you have no idea how much I care about you, how much I want to share the rest of my life with you….

To me, for now, it seems everything I’ve done for you was totally in vain. No matter how much I tried, you just wouldn’t come a little closer to the love path. The other day I shared my worries to my best friend. She told me, convinced me that I should give up, she told me that you’ve give a very clear and strong opinion that we’re not going to be lovers. She urged me to give up, to give up on you and find myself another good girl. I think she has some point, yes I should give up. It’s been six months and we have not come any closer. Maybe there isn’t any tiny possibilities between you and me…

These all have their points. But I’m very affirmative about my true feelings about you. We’re so alike each other, I’m so attracted by you I’m drowned in you. How could I be able to find another girl just like you? And this leads me to my…I can’t give up. The tiniest possibilities of making you fall in love with me excites me…. How could I, baby? Why….

I’m so fucked up with my life. I messed it up again.

I can’t even remember your face…….I am not gonna stop…just one last try and I will stop doing anything…

Please….I need you.

Benny Think.

Written by

Just leave me alone.

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