My Kitchen Rules Recap: Beach Slapped

Ben Pobjie
Mar 8, 2017 · 10 min read

A quick reminder of what happened last time on MKR:

  1. Josh was an arsehole.
  2. Far too many teams then all did some cooking together, during which time Josh was an arsehole.
  3. Josh spilled crab juice on Cyn’s spatchcock (not a euphemism), because he’s an arsehole.
  4. Josh was an arsehole for a bit.
  5. Duncan and Court cooked off against Albert and Dave, during which time Josh was an arsehole.
  6. Albert and Dave went home in typically amiable yet forgettable fashion, while Josh was an arsehole.
  7. Josh was an arsehole really quickly before the end of the show.

But moving on to tonight, when hopefully someone else will be an arsehole for the sake of variety. Tonight’s episode is taking place on the beach at Newport Surf Lifesaving Club, a club which, Pete explains, has surf lifesavers in it. The contestants gape in awe at this revelation.

Their job today will be to have a barbecue for the lifesavers and their families. “Your food has to be easy to eat, and on the go,” says Pete, which is confusing. Does he mean it has to be easy to eat WHILE on the go, or does he mean the food needs to possess the power of independent locomotion? The food also has to be appealing to all ages, so it looks like hot dogs for all, if they have any sense. Oh look, turns out they don’t have any sense.

Off to Coles, where products are promoted and foodstuffs are mispronounced. Tortillas, fajitas, you name it, these people don’t know how to say it. And then back to the beach, where Caitie and Demi are amazed by the sight of their barbecue, never having seen one before.

“I think we need to get this barbecue on,” says Courtney to Valerie, displaying the natural flair for cooking and quicksilver insight that took her to the top of the leaderboard.

On the beach, men in Speedos are doing races like a bunch of idiots. Do people who waste their time so wilfully really deserve a delicious barbecue? Anyway, Tim and Kyle are cooking steak, which is such a cliche: cooking steak just because Kyle looks like a man who slaughters cattle bare-handed.

Kyle makes fun of Amy because there are children around, and Amy hates children. Remember Amy? Not Josh’s Amy, the other Amy. Tyson and Amy Amy. She was on the show in the first group, a few years ago. Or was it the second? No, it was the first I’m sure. Amy will no doubt struggle with the scent of children in her nostrils, but the bigger threat is the possibility that Tyson will curdle in the sun.

Meanwhile Della and Tully are peeling prawns to serve with kale and avocado mousse, reasoning that if you’re serving something as revolting as prawns, why not make the side even more revolting?

Oh, Josh and Amy actually are making hot dogs. Not surprising, as he is after all the “Seafood King” — why wouldn’t you, as a man who talks incessantly about his skill with fish, now that you are literally cooking on the beach, make hot dogs? They are apparently “gourmet hot dogs” — that’ll thrill the kids.

Oh we cut to an ad for Hungry Jack’s with Tim and Kyle. They’re already on the fast-track to fine dining fame then.

With 45 minutes to go, I’m pretty sure this episode is moving slower than real time. Mell and Cyn are making pork skewers. “Who doesn’t love meat on a stick?” asks Cyn, speaking from experience with her own husband. Meanwhile Duncan is skinning a salmon and Court is absent-mindedly running her hands through a bowl of leaves, having forgotten where she is and what she’s doing.

Over at Caitie and Demi’s barbecue, the stress of cooking in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar equipment, and using food, which they’ve never been all that interested in, is starting to tell. Their corns are burning, which is always a problem for people who accidentally put their feet on the barbecue. “Do you think we can win people’s choice today?” asks Caitie. “…yeah,” Demi lies halfheartedly.

Tim asks Della for a lemon. “You want a lemon? That’s because you’re a lemon!” shouts Della good-naturedly, and everyone laughs because they don’t understand what banter is.

Meanwhile Caz is still mispronouncing “tortilla” and that’s going to get old pretty fast. Oh and Kelsey and Amanda are there! I remember them! They’re awful! They’re making lamb kofta. “They could’ve just written lamb kebab!” chortles Pete, the classist pig.

Unfortunately Kelsey and Amanda talk for several minutes, which isn’t fun for anyone. But now back to Court and Duncan, who has put on a dumb hat, and Josh, who continues to be unnaturally obsessed with Court and Duncan. You feel that his dream of becoming a professional chef has dwindled at the expense of his new ambition to spend his life lurking in Court and Duncan’s bushes.

Over at Tyson and Amy’s stand, Tyson also mispronounces tortilla. He is extremely stressed right now — “I just want to walk away,” he seethes. “If I can’t have perfection, I’m done.” An unusual attitude from a man with that face and personality, but it takes all sorts. Pete pops over to give Amy and Tyson a pep talk and use up valuable time that they need for cooking.

Brett and Marie are making a spiced chicken burrito burger. I don’t really even know who Brett and Marie are. Are they the awful ones? Is Brett the sexist one? I don’t know. I think maybe they just wandered up to the beach and found a vacant stall.

Meanwhile Valerie hopes her dad will be proud of her, but she already used the dad card in her instant restaurant. Time for a new schtick, Valerie.

Cooking is not going as planned for Caitie and Demi, insofar as they planned anything in the first place. But if not going as planned, it is definitely going as expected, ie terribly.

Cyn is happy with the salad. So happy she actually whoops. Surely when you reach the point in your life when you’re actually whooping over salad, you have to start asking yourself some questions regarding the choices you’ve made.

Tyson continues to be stressed, but is not sunburnt, so he’s ahead of the game as far as I’m concerned. Meanwhile Ros has just realised why she always gives the barbecuing job to her husband: it makes her mascara run. And also she exerts a tight psychological grip over her husband akin to that imposed by a kidnapper over their victim. But mainly the mascara I guess.

Yep, Karen and Ros: also on this program.

The lifesavers are getting hungry, and starting to complain to their superiors about being forced to participate in this publicity stunt instead of being allowed to get what they want for lunch. They’ll be even more upset when they find out Duncan has fused his salmon to his grillplate (also not a euphemism). Court says she’s proud of him, but it seems unlikely.

Meanwhile Josh starts bitching at Amy like an arsehole because he is one.

Prep time is up, and the nippers have arrived, slavering with gaping maws. Amy and Tyson have not completed any of their elements and there is a very real risk that the lifesavers will start eating Tyson in the belief that he is a cod.

The punters are lining up, as Caz berates Damo for his terrible spelling on their blackboard. Will the missing e in “pinapple” be their undoing? A man called Pete says something about his lunch, but it’s hard to concentrate on because he is wearing a jester’s hat and you can’t focus on anything else.

Pete and Colin are stuffing their faces. They believe Court and Duncan have cooked their fish beautifully. Colin suggests that Josh and Amy “may lose their title”, a pretty weird thing to say because Josh and Amy never had a title. Everything we have seen so far indicates that Josh and Amy are extremely bad at cooking fish, and for that matter at being human beings. Turns out they’re also extremely bad at cooking sausages: their “gourmet hot dog” is a deep disappointment to Colin and Pete, although it might still please the nippers who are not pretentious tools.

Various people are forced to make awkward, stilted assessments to camera about what they’re eating, while Pete and Colin find out that Kelsey and Amanda’s lamb is dry. They probably talked to it. A man approaches the sisters’ stall to ask if they’re sisters and gets thirty seconds straight of unrestrained, incoherent squealing right in the face. He’ll never make that mistake again.

Brett and Marie’s chicken burrito burger, which is neither a burrito nor a burger but does technically contain chicken, is a big hit with some random guy in a hat.

“Are we out of kale?” Tully asks Della. Sadly they are not. Meanwhile Amy and Tyson haven’t served anything and may not ever again. Amy is panicked and Tyson is basically catatonic. It’s like a really sunny Edgar Allen Poe story.

We’re getting to the end of the service period yet the guide tells me there’s 35 more minutes of this. How can there be 35 more minutes? Are we going to follow Tyson’s aneurysm in slow motion?

Amy and Tyson’s Mexican beef remains uncooked. Tyson is inflating his throat pouch in terror. He can’t remember whether he seasoned the avocado. He’s having flashbacks to Nam. Amy considers the advisability of walking into the sea.

Valerie and Courtney think they’re struggling, but only because they don’t know what’s happening with Tyson and Amy. Pete and Colin think Valerie and Courtney’s dish is fantastic. For Pete, the hero is the mango salsa, a common staple of Paleolithic man.

“Our plating is not up to our normal standards,” says Caitie, perpetuating the myth that Caitie and Demi have standards. “It’s like wearing a bikini with jeans,” she adds, having been reminded of her contractual obligation to make an inane fashion reference every thirty seconds.

“Please vote for us even if you hate it!” squawks Karen, taking her cue from Malcolm Turnbull’s book of political strategy. Colin is a fan of Karen and Ros’s beetroot tzatziki, despite the fact it’s obviously disgusting.

Amy and Tyson are finally starting to serve some food, which nobody likes. Amy tries to ingratiate herself by talking to some children, and even high-fiving them, which will probably cause her to break out in a nasty rash. Colin and Pete agree that Amy and Tyson’s dish sucks. “Amy and Tyson haven’t cooked since their instant restaurant,” says Pete, but surely they have, at some point? I mean have they been ordering from Menulog every night?

God this is taking a long time. Prawns, a man with a hat, a little boy wearing some kind of giant poncho, Della and Tully, Pete, Colin, etc etc. “This is Australia,” says Colin, trying to prove he hasn’t been drinking during work hours by correctly identifying which country he’s in.

Karen and Ros have sold out, literally and figuratively. Marie responds to this development by telling Brett to “come on!” as if anything’s in his control. The diners are casting their votes, a process that depends very heavily on the dubious assumption that any of these people will remember the names of the people who shoved the food at them.

Finally our long national nightmare is over. “Teams, today we brought you to the beach,” says Colin, in case they’d forgotten. The lifesavers and their families, threatened with loss of funding, have voted. Colin and Pete tell the teams about their dishes for approximately eighteen hours. This includes Pete telling Court and Duncan that their fish was magnificent, and Josh looking like he wants to bite someone.

Ugh, I hate it when people say “haitch”.

They now tell Josh and Amy that their hot dog sucked. Josh makes the excuse that he was “so focused on winning people’s choice”: ie he was so fixated on having the best dish that he forgot to make a good dish. Nice explaining, Josh. Everyone’s buying it to the fullest extent.

Blah blah blah more people more food and so forth. I just noticed Pete and Colin are both dressed in bright white. It’s a bit off-putting. Pete reckons Della and Tully did the best job out of everybody, even though they made kale and avocado mousse so by definition he is incorrect.

Anyway in the end…the bitter end…people’s choice is Tim and Kyle, which just goes to show nobody cares what you cook, they only care that you’re a gigantic sexy lumberjack.

The bottom two teams are Amy and Tyson and Damo and Caz, which means they have to cook off in sudden death, which means Damo and Caz are going to get absolutely spanked. It’s gonna be great!

Tune in tomorrow, when Tyson hisses to deter predators.

By March 30, MKR will be getting old. So time to get out of the house and see some intentional comedy instead! Buy tickets to my sexy new show HERE.

Ben Pobjie

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