My Kitchen Rules Recap: Queasy Riders

Previously, on My Kitchen Rules…says the voiceover guy, doing an impression of Christian Bale as Batman. What happened previously on My Kitchen Rules isn’t that important. What’s important is what’s ABOUT to happen on My Kitchen Rules, which apparently involves motorbikes and the hits of Jet.

Amy and Tyson’s team designation at the bottom of the screen is “serious siblings”. That’s just awful.

Anyway, the teams meet Pete outside Club Marconi, the club where the radio was invented. Then Colin arrives on a motorbike, proving himself to be the least cool motorcyclist of all time. It reminds me of when John Waters rode a motorbike around the set of Play School, except less badass. Colin informs the teams that they will be baking for bikers on the Pink Ribbon Ride, causing the teams to arrange their features into something approaching seriousness and pretend that they feel enormously honoured to be baking for charity. It’s almost as unconvincing as when they say they’re good at cooking.

The bikers arrive, and Tyson reveals that he isn’t a motorbike enthusiast, which is quite a shock as I’d assume bikes were huge in the undersea caves from which Tyson emanates.

Caitie and Demi are going to try their hardest to not be in sudden death again, but I’m fairly confident they’ve tried their hardest to not be in sudden death before, and that it was proven that the vigour with which they applied themselves was not the problem. They decide to make something sweet, because “we’re sweet”. It’s amazing how this show keeps shifting your perceptions of who the most obnoxious team is.

Mark and Chris are still around. Making donuts. Being blokey. “Bikers, mate,” says Chris. Mark agrees. Bikers. They laugh at each other. These two have never had an actual conversation in their lives.

Court and Duncan are making a jalapeno cornbread, which is simply madness. Court loves that this dish reminds her of days she’s had with friends barbecuing in Melbourne. None of the bikers have ever barbecued with Court in Melbourne, so it will be completely wasted on them.

Josh and Amy are making some stupid kind of muffin with goat’s cheese. Josh tells Amy that if they go to sudden death, he will be blaming her. Which is fair enough, because Amy blames Josh for the fact that every moment of her life feels like a sudden death.

“We have been baking since we were little girls,” says Karen, as if anyone gives a shit. Apparently she learnt from her grandma when she was four, and I think we’re supposed to believe this makes her a good baker, but for all we know she hasn’t got any better at it since then. She still talks like a four-year-old, it’s not stretch to believe she still bakes like one too.

Amy and Tyson are making a dark chocolate and salted caramel brownie, which is just like them, the pretentious pillocks. “These brownies need to be really fudgy,” says Amy to Tyson, who flies into a fury at his sister’s unauthorised use of colloquialism. Amy apparently doesn’t know many bikers: just the four or five she has round on Saturday nights I guess. Three minutes into their baking, Tyson is already becoming frustrated by how slow the process is and how the sun is drying out his sensitive head scales.

Meghan Trainor starts playing, as if it couldn’t get any worse.

Mell and Cyn are getting flustered, expressing a certain amount of outrage that they are being forced to experience both weather and the working classes.

Colin pops by Josh and Amy’s stall to see what they’re doing. Amy explains that they are making a Spanish muffin and that Josh is a useless piece of crap. Josh wanders aimlessly around the stall grinning like a stoned mule and ignoring everything that Amy says. He wants to chop chorizo. Amy tells him he doesn’t need to chop chorizo. He says they need another batch. Amy tells him they don’t. He says the muffin tastes bad. Amy tells him to fuck off. “You can’t get away with that,” he dribbles. Amy is repeatedly bleeped, but you can tell what she’s saying because it’s also what you’re saying. Seven also blurs out the finger she sticks up at him, saving millions of delicate constitutions from seeing a finger.

Meanwhile Della tells Tully to lick her.

Colin and Pete have an awkward conversation about the importance of raising money for breast cancer that is so insincere it could run for mayor. Pete is fighting to restrain himself from telling everyone that breast cancer could be eliminated entirely if people just stopped eating cheese.

Colin visits Kelsey and Amanda, who perform for him the mating call of the lesser bird of paradise. At least I assume that’s what it was: it certainly wasn’t words.

Meanwhile Caitie and Demi are making rosewater meringues with salted caramel and acting as stupidly as their dish sounds.

Amy — Josh and Amy Amy — is happy with her moist muffins. “Whatever,” says Josh, who is sulking because he doesn’t get to take control and ruin everything like normal. The creepy thing is that the more he sulks, the more he grins. He’s almost definitely a serial killer.

Colin and Pete have another chat about cooking and dough and fluffy interiors. It reveals nothing.

The bikers are almost here, and can’t believe that for the sake of charity, they are demeaning themselves to such an extent. All the other bikers are going to see this episode as a sign of weakness and MKR will be responsible for a bloody turf war.

Over at Caitie and Demi’s stall, the heat is compromising the meringue. Demi attempts to rescue the meringues while Caitie works on learning to pronounce “meringue”.

Elsewhere, Tyson and Amy are not enjoying the outdoors. Before this show, they hadn’t left their house in eight years. Tyson accidentally drops a saucepan. The House of Usher shakes at its foundations. Meanwhile the other Amy is scolding her disobedient son Josh and contemplating jamming a meat thermometer in his eye. “You put the ham on!” Josh whines like the little bitch he is.

Here come the bikers! Hungry and heavily armed.

“Come and get some friands from the midwives!” Karen yelps, attracting many bikers who have always yearned to eat midwife-made desserts. A parade of bikers lines up to have a go at Caitie and Demi’s meringues — so to speak — but Caitie and Demi have run out because they are slow in more ways than one.

“I tell ya, it’s noisy outside,” says Colin. Pete thanks him for the information. Everyone agrees it is noisy outside. Especially when Brett starts yelling, “Come and get your peach biscuit!” This is traditionally a dangerous thing to yell at bikers, but they seem fairly easygoing today. The peach biscuit does not please a biker lady, who thinks there’s too much biscuit. It also does not please Pete and Colin, who have abandoned that whole “all for charity” bullshit and are simply slagging people off now.

Josh and Amy’s muffins are popular. Or rather, Amy’s muffins are popular, and Josh is a cock. “The flavours all work together,” says Pete, ardent collectivist.

Della and Tully, having gotten past their unresolved sexual tension, serve up some eclairs that seem reasonably edible by MKR standards.

Mark and Chris are hawking their apple pie donuts and avoiding a tough but necessary discussion about their feelings. Colin’s donut is burnt on the bottom. Pete’s donut is dry. “They’re thinking outside the box,” says Pete. “Or outside the square. Or the hole.” I don’t know what the hell he’s on about.

Valerie and Courtney are doing something uninteresting.

Josh and Amy have run out of muffins. Josh forces Amy to say that if they go to sudden death, it’s her fault. Amy does not punch Josh in the balls, for reasons that remain utterly opaque.

Mell and Cyn are pushing out the empanadas and ensuring every biker gets a condescending comment with their food. The hand sanitiser is running low as Mell and Cyn frantically try to keep themselves from catching poverty.

Back at Caitie and Demi’s stall, Demi tells a woman that their stupid-looking meringue matches the woman’s stupid-looking outfit. “We love fashion!” Caitie blurts as yet another wire burns out in her brain.

Karen and Ros have a hit on their hands with their friands, and for the first time ever Karen’s grandma is proud of her. Meanwhile Kelsey and Amanda are screaming in the bikers’ faces.

“Would you like a rosewater meringue?” Demi shouts. Nobody in the history of the world will ever answer “yes” to this question, but luckily some people feel sorry for her. Pete and Colin find rosewater and salted caramel a strange flavour combination, or in other words, vomit.

We’re back to Amy and Tyson, who has dried out in the sun but manfully battled on. Their brownies are dense, but apparently that’s a good thing this time? Colin and Pete think so anyway, and who am I to doubt their judgment? I mean I do, constantly, but who am I?

“Let’s get as much money for the charity as we can,” says David, hoping that Betty is horny for philanthropy. Time is up and everyone hugs for some reason. I guess they think that just not dying during the challenge represents an achievement.

Josh takes the opportunity to remind Amy, who did everything while he did nothing, that it’s her fault if they go to sudden death, and also that if she leaves him she’ll never find anyone better oh god Amy please don’t leave me please.

Time for judging, which will, according to tradition, take far too long. “I don’t want to get too excited,” says Court, and I agree: I don’t want her to get too excited either. She seems like the type who might lose bladder control.

A brief rundown: Karen and Ros’s friands were good. Della and Tully’s eclairs were good. Caitie and Demi’s meringues were bad — Pete says “there’s no other word to describe it but train crash”. This can’t be true — there HAS to be at least one other word that could describe it. “Train crash” cannot possibly be the single possible way to describe a disappointing meringue. “That’s the worst word to hear,” says Caitie — both she and Pete ignore the fact that “train crash” is clearly two words. The description is the real train crash.

Anyway…David and Betty’s curry pie was good. Amy and Tyson’s brownies were good. Mell and Cyn’s empanadas were good. Court and Duncan’s jalapeno cornbread was good. Josh and Amy’s muffins were good, and Josh can absolutely suck it. Kelsey and Amanda’s pavlova was good. Valerie and Courtney’s cupcakes were…I dunno…OK? Brett and Marie’s biscuits were bad. Mark and Chris’s donuts were bad.

The winner of “biker’s choice” is Court and Duncan, so Josh can absolutely suck it once more.

Caitie and Demi are going to sudden death, and will have to think up a whole three courses’ worth of stupid fashion puns. Mark and Chris are also going to sudden death, which will save them from conversation with each other at least. Caitie and Demi are in tears because apparently they’re good friends with Mark and Chris: I don’t know whether we were supposed to know this or not. Mark and Chris are upset because “if we win we lose our best friends, if we lose we’re knocked out”. Like many MKR contestants, they are under the impression that losing teams in sudden death literally die. Also, it’s incredibly sad that they consider these women they just met on a TV show their best friends.

Anyway, tune in tomorrow when someone we don’t much care for gets sent home.

My comedy festival show is just like a live recap, except without the MKR bits and a lot louder! Buy tickets HERE.

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