The Bachelorette Recap: I’ve Had The Worst Time Of My Life

Previously on The Bachelorette: the men were gibbering morons and Georgia was the worst. I know that describes every episode, but nothing much happened last time. Clancy went home or something maybe.

Tonight on The Bachelorette: Jesus Christ it’s bad.

The men sit around the table discussing how quiet everything is now that only the bachelors with a morbid fear of sound are left. Matty is excited because we’re getting to the end and he’s getting kind of sick of spending so much time with the world’s worst people. I mean even when you’re as awful as Matt, being with other awful people can get wearisome.

TAFKAAG shows up to tell the men that the Hometown dates are coming up, which is always nerve-wracking because it’ll be the first time they’ve seen their parents since the day they broke their hearts by announcing they’d be on The Bachelorette.

TAFKAAG also deposits a card before disappearing into his tiny cupboard-prison. The card reads, “Let’s get our hands dirty”, which it can be assumed means Georgia is going to force her date to handle some offal.

Lee is chosen to go on the date, which upsets Jake, as he feels like he’s worked very hard to get a single date, but what Jake isn’t taking into account is that he’s lucky to even be there at this stage because nobody remembers who he is. And when we’re reminded we just think he looks like the douchebag from an 80s movie. You can see that Jake is the guy who the girl is going out with at the start of the movie, and he’s good at sports and his parents are super-rich and bought him a new car, but he treats her badly and ends up losing her to a poor but virtuous young man, and probably at some point Jake ends up falling into raw sewage or crashing on a ski slope or something.

Jake, relaxing with friends.

Anyway, it’s Lee, and he shows up to a park next to a lake to discover that Georgia has come up with the dumbest, yet most inconsequential, date idea ever. Her idea is to recreate her favourite scene from Dirty Dancing, so no wonder Lee is going to “get his hands dirty” — he will be performing an illegal backyard abortion.

No no, obviously it’s going to be the “lift” from Dirty Dancing. So I guess he’s getting his hands dirty just by putting them on Georgia. To help Lee perform the lift, Georgia brings out a stunt coordinator, which is something that is absolutely not necessary for this activity. Also, this guy has worked on Star Wars and Superman and Mission Impossible 2, so god only knows what nightmarish spiral of drug and gambling debts he’s found himself in to have to take a job teaching a couple of reality-TV cretins how to re-enact a dance move. Basically it’s just: girl runs at guy, guy picks her up. I doubt the actual movie needed a stunt coordinator to pull it off.

It’s not exactly Butch and Sundance jumping off the cliff…

Anyway, everyone pretends it’s a huge deal and talks about it way too much and acts like it’s an incredibly important moment for everyone, like if they blow this lift, they’ll never get married or have children and maybe they’ll both be killed. And nobody mentions the fact that in Dirty Dancing this scene takes place inside a hall, so they’re not really re-enacting it very well — they’re just on some grass next to a lake.

(and don’t tell me they practised in the fucking water, OK? 1. Georgia and Lee aren’t IN the water. 2. Swayze and Grey practised in the water, but they DID it in a goddamn hall. 3. Dirty Dancing is a terrible movie and if you like it you suck anyway.)

Anyway Lee and Georgia kiss and then go and sit on a couch to get pissed. “I one hundred percent feel a connection with Lee,” says Georgia, which is kind of reminiscent of the time she said she felt a connection with every single man on this show. Except TAFKAAG, obviously.

Meanwhile, the other bachelors are back at the mansion eating KFC and turning the logo to face the camera.

Georgia is worried that Lee doesn’t go out of his way to seek her out at cocktail parties, because she assumes anyone who doesn’t spend every second of their lives obsessively pursuing her must have a serious psychological disorder. Lee reassures her that he is, indeed, unhealthily fixated on her, it’s just that he’s a reserved kind of guy. Then they kiss and it’s pretty gross.

“I’m so glad that he did open up,” says Georgia, although he didn’t actually. I mean he didn’t reveal anything about himself, he just snivelled, “Oh Georgia you’re so wonderful and I love you so much and please stay with me forever.” But seeing as that’s the only emotion she ever wants to see a man display, that counts as “opening up” to her.

The most underwhelming date in the history of human breeding over, Georgia and all the men set off next day for their group date, which will be even more nauseating than usual. They have arrived at a recording studio, which has been used by numerous big international recording stars, but after they learn about this, never will be again.

They are here because Georgia remembers the night all the men sang a song to her, and she absolutely loved that because it was a large group of people paying attention to her, which is all she’s ever wanted from life.

The Bachelors and Georgia — and TAFKAAG, tagging along like an inconvenient niece — meet with a recording engineer who looks like he wants nothing more than to drop dead right then and there. They are going to write and record a song.

I can’t even go into the details. It’s too horrible. It’s a nightmare you can’t even conceive of. The lyrics they write would be considered irretrievably stupid if a four-year-old wrote them. Their singing voices cause infertility in mice. The whole exercise makes one fervently wish that the human race never came to be. If you’d been there, you’d suffocate the engineer with a pillow out of kindness. And the rest of them out of hatred.

And through the whole thing Georgia is grinning and giggling like a goddamn imbecile.

No. I will not tell you exactly what happened. It was dreadful. That is all. If you watched it without eating your own face, kudos on your steely resolve. If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t risk it. Unless you’ve also seen the episode of The Bachelor with Hamish Blake, you will never see anything worse than this.

Never, ever.

If you must have evidence, this should be all you need: the song they come up with includes the line, “you’re the butter to my knife”.

After recording the dumbshit song, they listen to the dumbshit song, which needed so much production the autotune machine committed suicide, and then Georgia chooses Jake to spend the evening with based on…nothing, really. On this group date they didn’t even bother with the stupid “competition” crap they usually do. Refreshing.

Georgia and Jake head off to a club that Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber have been to that apparently specialises in obnoxious dicks. Nobody else is around obviously — if Georgia ever allowed a date to occur in a place where other people were, there’s a chance the man might accidentally look at someone else for a second.

Georgia and Jake talk about what an amazing connection they have and Jake stares at Georgia with his creepily intense eyebrows and Georgia stares at Jake with her big smug douchey face and they have the usual conversation about how great it is to have feelings. And they kiss, obviously — what better way to show a man how strongly you feel about him than to kiss every other man in the vicinity over and over again?

And so to the cocktail party. Courtney toasts the men and lauds the “friends we’ve made”, confirming that he likes the other men more than he likes Georgia and come on who can blame him. I mean Sam in particular, I hope Courtney got his number because he would be an awesome friend.

Georgia comes in and insists on bringing up the song, which all the men had hoped to banish from their memories forever. Then she has a private chat with Matty, who will be absolutely devastated if he doesn’t get a rose tonight, because he’s just that kind of whiny little shit.

Next she has a private chat with Cam, who is desperate for Georgia to meet his dad. Kind of weirdly eager for it, to be honest. You sort of feel like he wants to set his dad up with Georgia. Georgia is worried that Cam is nervous — she hates nervous men because she’s not very nice.

Next a chat with Courtney, who tells Georgia she’s a very hard person to read. This surprises Georgia, and everyone else watching, because it’s fairly obvious that she’s shallower than a foot spa. Courtney has Georgia deeply worried, because he keeps thinking about the other men in the house. Like, the other men who Georgia keeps going on dates with and licking the insides of the mouths of. The other men who Georgia repeatedly says she has a deep and lasting emotional connection with. The other men who Courtney is forced to accompany on group dates and live with 24/7.

Courtney admits that he sometimes thinks about them, and Georgia finds this unacceptable. All men must only think about HER. Nobody can think of others. The very idea that a man might, every now and then, allow a thought to enter his head that is not focused solely on her to the exclusion of everything else in the universe, sickens her. She doesn’t know if she can ever have a lasting relationship with a man who acknowledges the existence of people who aren’t her.

And yet there’s “Something about Courtney”, she confesses. It’s that pasta bracelet. It’s won him a lot of brownie points.

Here is the rose ceremony, which is always the hardest part of the week because TAFKAAG talks for a really long time.

First rose goes to Lee for his upper body strength.

Second rose goes to Matty for his hair.

Third rose goes to Jake for his sterling work at the Cobra Kai Dojo.

Fourth rose goes to Courtney for his pasta.

And so Cam pays the ultimate price for being nervous while competing for the affection of a woman on national television. Ha! Imagine being NERVOUS! Eat shit, LOSER!

You will NEVER find love

Georgia makes a pretty good show of pretending to know what human emotions are, having prepared thoroughly for the rose ceremony by applying special eye-moistening drops. She gives Cam a hug and then sends him away with an umbrella to die alone. Cam is shocked — particularly that he was kicked out before Jake, who probably hasn’t even been on this show for most of the series — but accepts that it was Georgia’s decision whose life she chooses to ruin.

Tune in tomorrow, when Georgia visits the bachelors’ home towns and Courtney realises he’s been too subtle in his attempts to get Georgia to leave him alone.

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