It Took Time for me to Understand, but #Metoo

Ben Wachstein
Nov 7 · 4 min read

So what do you do when you are a man, looking to advance your career, and a woman in a position of power flirts with you?

What if She flirts a lot?

What if, as you are discussing possible senior positions within Her organization She is making highly sexual suggestions?

What if, when you are traveling together to a conference — where your current organization is pitching something to her organization — She spends dinner telling you why She believes that American culture has it backwards when it comes to cheating on your spouse? Cheating would make marriages so much better for everyone, She says.

What if, when She does hire you (career advancement complete!) She continues to send sexually descriptive texts?

What if, at a meeting with board members, from all over the community, She walks up and whispers in your ear things that may have made Donald Trump blush?


I know that, for the most part, this is an issue that women have been dealing with for many, many, many years. Empathy was an easy reaction for those who had to deal with this abuse. But I see now that I never really, truly, knew the pain.

But then it happened to me. And I understood.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m don’t claim to be an expert on sexual harassment in the workplace. I only know what it’s like to be harassed once. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to be sexually harassed at multiple places of employment and by multiple people over a span of multiple years.

It happened only once to me. And I have been struggling with it ever since.

Some truths: I didn’t speak out as it happened. I didn’t know how. I didn’t think people would believe. And, I wanted the job. Needed it.

I wanted the job! I wanted my career to move to the next level. I desired bigger and better things, and She had the Power to give it to me.

I wasn’t interested in Her. Seriously, I wasn’t (even now I feel like I need to say it. It’s so…sad). But I wanted the job.

As it was happening I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t tell anyone about the text messages or the emails or what She whispered to me during the board meeting (I cringe every time I think about that moment). Who could I tell? Why would I tell? I wanted this job.

Plus, and here is the kicker, I’m a man! How could I, a man, be sexually harassed by a woman?

Oh, Ben of the past, how I wish I could sit down and have a serious conversation with you.

The job didn’t last. How could it? I was hired for the wrong reason (although I was, and am, positive that I would have been pretty great in the role). Within a week and a half of taking the job I was in therapy. Within a month and a half I was looking for a new job. And just over four months after my first day I was out of there.


As I packed up my office the director of HR came in to ask if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I am still angry at myself with my response.

I told her that, prior to being hired, and for the first three months of working there, my Boss sent me dozens of sexually explicit texts and emails. I told her, in sad detail, what She whispered to me during the board meeting.

And then I told the HR director that I wasn’t going to sue, but that it was important that HR know that this took place.

And then I picked up my box of stuff that had lived in that office for just over four months- four awful, sad months.

I didn’t write it up. I didn’t shout it from the rooftop. I said it as I walked out the door. I don’t know if she has done this to anyone else. But if she did…

Damn it. If she did…


Just so you know, I landed on my feet. I was unemployed for just over two weeks and landed at an organization that I loved and with a job that was incredibly rewarding. Reading all of the other first person accounts recently I understand that it is a far different outcome than so many women have. In that sense I have been truly fortunate.


For the four months I worked there I was depressed. I started questioning my ability to do the work. After I left and started my new position I wasn’t sure I could handle it. I wondered if the problem wasn’t what had happened with Her, but rather if I was just unqualified to do the work. My self esteem was at an all time low. I walked into my new job wondering if I was strong enough or capable enough.


I have struggled mightily to write my story, but not because I am embarrassed that it happened. No, I am embarrassed that I didn’t do anything to make sure She couldn’t do it to anyone else.

Even now, as I tell this story, I am shaking and sweating. No names. The organization unknown. For all you know it is a made up story to prove some point that is only in my head.

It’s not made up.

Really, it is rarely made up. Ask your wife. Or sister. Or mom. Or a woman in the coffee shop near you.

I also feel compelled to say that this is not my attempt to say, “See, it’s not just men who harass!” As I stated earlier, I am keenly aware that, for me, this was a one time event. For many women it is a lifetime trend.

I simply wish I had spoken up. I wish I could do it more fully now.

Mostly I hope that the events of the last year or so will make it stop. Sadly, I suspect that more stories are on the way.

Ben Wachstein

Written by

Jewish professional, amateurish improv actor, cheez it enthusiast and a damn good dad. And I've got things to say.

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