First 100 Days

For the last 100 days I’ve watched people share their anger, sadness, fear and grief for America. It’s been 100 days since January 20th 2017 the day Donald Trump was inaugurated president. And, for the last 100 days I have shared my own anger, sadness, fear, and grief — because, GET THIS: it’s also been 100 days since my dad Howard Wasserman died. Oh, and GET THIS TOO: it all really fucking sucks.

Only two deaths have brought me to immediate tears: my dad’s and Michael Jackson’s. Remember when Michael Jackson passed away? It was June 25th 2009. Remember when Farah Fawcett passed away? It was June 25th 2009. It sounds silly to say but when a celebrity dies, the world mourns them. On that day in 2009 the world mourned Michael Jackson, not Farah Fawcett. And, not that my dad was a talented actress and mega babe like Farah Fawcett, but, on January 20th 2017 instead of mourning my dad, the world mourned America because of Trump. My dad is the Farah Fawcett to President Donald Trump’s Michael Jackson or something. If that analogy doesn’t make much sense eat my ass! My dad is dead and I have bigger concerns than making clear comparisons. The point is, sometimes my dad’s death feels overshadowed by the awfulness of a Trump presidency and, especially today on Trump’s 100th day, it really fucking sucks.

Had my dad died one day earlier or later, Trump’s 100th day wouldn’t have mattered so much. Sure, I’d be as upset and angry as any other 20-something living in Brooklyn (JEFF SESSIONS PLEASE LET ME SMOKE POT!!!) — but those of us who are horrified by the Trump Administration didn’t need all 100 of these days to make that assessment. Trump sucked on Day 1. But also, my dad did die on Day 1, January 20th 2017. And now Trump’s “first 100 days” are also my own. It’s been my first 100 days without my role model; my first 100 days worrying if my family will fall apart; my first 100 days being my mom’s new best friend (hell yea mom love you dude!); my first 100 days being sadder and more unstable than I’ve ever felt before despite nearly 30 years living with depression and bi-polar disorder; my first 100 days wondering if I can really make my passions a career; my first 100 days seriously thinking about when I’m going to start my own family; my first 100 days unemployed; my first 100 days seeing everyone who I enjoy and cherish as a person who will die; my first 100 days where everything, no matter what, really fucking sucks.

I could go on and on and on and on about my grief and how much it hurts, the thoughts and fears I can’t get out of my head, and all the other awfulness of my dad dying. I could go on and on and on about how great my father was and all he accomplished. I could go on and on and on about his death in the context of what’s actually happening in America and how much better Howard Wasserman was than Donald Trump or anyone for that matter. Maybe I’ll write about that stuff at a later point but since my dad died it’s been tough to focus and even harder to motivate myself and I don’t need that stress right now. I don’t care if this note is cluttered and messy, devoid of inspiration, confession, and insight. Today all that matters is you know that 100 days ago I also lost my dad and it’s really fucking sucked.