OLIU’S OUTLOOK: LSU

Brian Oliu
Nov 7 · 9 min read

Hi everyone! Did you have a nice and relaxing BYE BYE BYE (bye bye!) week!? Mine was pretty good! I went to MONTGOMERY! It is our state’s capital! I ate soul food at a buffet in a strip mall & I was full for like FOUR DAYS. I highly recommend it! I ate a DONUT across from where Rosa Parks started the bus boycott! Damn! We the committee!

Macaroni Jones, huh! What a guy! Oh god that seems like it was seven months ago. But it wasn’t! Time does NOT fly.

All the disrespect to Arkansas because we got bigger fish to fry in Zatarains

GAMETIME SNACK OF THE WEEK

GODDAMN CHEETOS SHIT

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Booing is the most American thing you can do! Ah yes, but what about “respecting the position of the presidency,” or whatever nonsense people say when they want to act holier than thou on the internet dot com! Love to respect positions of power!

Look y’all, I am a TEACHER of COLLEGE STUDENTS and according to OK BOOMER logic I can just stand up in front of a classroom and spout some terrible nonsense about how frogs have seven penises or how Patrick Peterson probably did intercept that ball or mocking one of my students for having a disability or insulting one of my former military students for being captured in war or banning people into my classroom on the basis of their faith or gender or who they love or the fact they think that Reuben Foster should’ve been called for targeting on that kick-off and THEN give everyone that I don’t like an F for the course! But it’s fine because you have to respect the position of the teacher! Oh! You just mean people in positions of power that you approve of! I see. The liberal academics don’t count in this scenario? I see your point now! IT IS THE PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE TERRIBLENESS THAT ARE THE TRUE PROBLEM

I’m not here to argue about our obsession with authority, especially considering the amount of people who unironically call Saban “daddy” but y’all obviously weren’t raised right. In second grade, a substitute teacher tried to tell me that my last name was French & I was like “no it is Catalan,” & she was like “I’ve never heard of that, it’s French,” & I went home and told my AMAZING MOTHER FROM BROOKLYN NEW YORK who was like “Brian, just because someone is older than you doesn’t mean that you have to listen to them or that they’re right.” Anyway what I’m saying is some of y’all have no home training (copyright jason mccall) and didn’t learn to speak out against wrongful authority figures abusing their power. DIDN’T YOU BITCHES WATCH MATILDA

I’m mostly upset because it is taking away from what is a magical experience, which is LSU Week — it’s all weird-ass hoodoo and voodoo which is in really good fun and maybe you’ll see the gif of the guy pretending to be a t-rex before we almost murdered Zach Mettenberger. We should be making corn dog jokes! We should be adding suffixes to words that end in “o” sounds despite it making little to neaux linguistic sense! Instead our hobgoblin McRib of a president has dominated the narrative of this week so he can show up, they can parade him out with the parachuters that no one would ever boo because parachuting is really dope and he can leave midway through the second quarter. Maybe he’ll make it longer than Mike Pence when he plotted a staged walkout during that Colts game! At least Mike Pence probably has a Dallas Clark jersey somewhere — Donald Trump doesn’t give two shits about college football! I’m still mad we lost to PENN in BAMA HOOPS!

KEEP OUT OF STATE ELITISTS OUT OF ALABAMA

blake sims > cliff sims

Did you know that crunchy cheetos pre-date puffy cheetos! I found this fact surprising! Much like how we laughed about how LSU fans smell like corndogs until we all got wise and figured out that corndogs are goddamn delicious, I am hoping that after our quivering block of velveeta despot is put in this country’s equivalent of The Hague (I nominate Jacksonville! MAC JONES 904–330–8004), we can celebrate by repairing the good name of Chester the Cheetah.

I’ve spent enough talking about this & it makes me so mad because there should be MORE JOKES so I’ll just leave you with this: for all commentary in regards to our idiot leader who doesn’t care about college football and probably never went to a PENN QUAKER TILT AT FRANKLIN FIELD, please see the commentary of former Alabama running back bowling ball, Bo Scarbrough, on the eve of January 8, 2018 before the National Championship Game.

LSU

It’s LSU boiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Yes, the Wario of college football is comin’ to your citaaaaaaay!

Here comes the Louisiana State University Bayou Bengal Tiger Football Night Terrors & their batshit insane coach & their fans who are the people you run into on your last night in New Orleans after you’ve done a muffaletta’s worth of cocaine off a sazerac who ask you to hold this duffel bag that appears to be dripping remoulade. I am pretty sure that LSU is an Emeril fever dream after snorting too much Tony Chachere’s. I don’t even know what LSU is. I know absolutely nothing about the college. Baton Rouge is a mystery. Someone could be like “hey tell us the history of LSU” & they’d be like “well one day a bunch of visigoths appeared & they tried to kill us & make us into sausages so we decided that this was the type of gusto that the Southeastern Conference needed so we gave them an 11-game schedule” & it would be totally plausible. Who would give these people a land grant? Do you get an honorary degree when you return the Hurricane glass at Pat O’Brien’s? Is their office of Continuing Studies just the TigerDroppings message board? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, LSU

It’s Wednesday night which means that ol’ sentient gas station hot dog Coach O is already on his seventh Monster Mean Beans & has a nice 20 oz can imprint on the middle of his head like he’s Abdullah The Butcher!

No seriously, this is not hyperbole, there is an oral history of Coach O on The Athletic that talks about his energy drink consumption and how he crushes the cans on his head. That’s a lot of aluminum! I would be more concerned about Coach O’s health if he weren’t an immortal lava monster! oh my god does he get the energy from the aluminum cans WE ARE SUCH FOOLS

Much like most immortal beings, I am kind of amazed that Coach O has had the job for so long! Do y’all remember MATT CANADA? lol

I think the true genius of Coach O is that he is someone devoid of hubris — like, most head coaches perceive themselves to be some sort of savant; they are, after all, the head coach! They earned their spot to get here! Coach O got the LSU job that he petitioned his entire life for, ever since he was an 19-year-old who had to leave LSU to get starting time as a Northwestern State DEMON. (side note, is there a better logo than Northwestern State? It is Satanic AF. I love it so much). The mascot at one point even looked like a possessed Coach O! Look!

But Coach O quickly realized that he was in over his head schematically and went & got an actual offensive coordinator! And is pretty much there to sweet talk Cajun grandmothers and talk about, I don’t know, eating squirrel or something

So here’s the thing! I like LSU! If Alabama doesn’t win the National Championship, I root for LSU. Their fans are LITERAL MONSTERS and somehow that is more refreshing than a Tennessee fan who is going to look down on you and make snide comments or an Auburn fan who is determined to make every single family function as awkward as possible by being like “Alabama fan, huh?” or a Clemson fan who finds out you’re an Alabama fan & they’re like “UH OH! Well I’m a Clemson fan, so” and then trail off like I’m supposed to be mad or impressed? Bitch please

Anyway, call me crazy but I’d rather have a bottle of Crystal hot sauce chucked at me than a Georgia fan be like “y’all are pretty good but watch out for this year.” Being classy is overrated. That shit is insufferable. There’s nothing I hate more when my team loses & someone who I know isn’t a fan texts me like “hey man, sorry about Bama,” & I’m like “you are not sorry please go die” but I text back “thanks man just wasn’t our night”. EITHER GIVE ME SHIT OR DON’T TALK TO ME AT ALL COWARDS

I think part of my affinity for LSU is because we’re forever linked by our weird sociopath dad genius. LSU is the family that Nick Saban left behind in order to start his new family (he had a brief affair with a billionaire in Plantation, we don’t like to talk about it) and now the kid from the old family has grown up and vowed revenge upon us and the life that they could have lived. I know comic book movie analogies are very much in, but if you meet someone and ask them for their favorite superhero, you’re actually asking them a package deal. For example, if you’re a fan of Batman, that usually means that you’re a fan of the entire Batman universe — the mythos, Gotham City, SEC Commissioner Gordon, and especially the villains. I fancy myself a college football fan: I love every aspect of this weird and bizarre and joyful sport. Alabama is my #1 true love and you’ll never find me deviating, but I appreciate the game above all else. My cool wife gets mad at me all the time when an opposing player makes a great catch or a perfect tackle against Alabama & I’ll be like “great play,” & she’ll be like “NO NOT GREAT PLAY” because I can’t help but find myself attracted to every last bit of this dumb game. I’m nervous and excited about this game: I’m concerned about Tua’s mobility. I’m worried about how our linebackers are going to cover the short passes over the middle, or when a receiver can get to the sideline. But these are the same things I worry about every time we play LSU: LSU is that friend of yours that you know is going to stand you up even though you make plans, so you just go ahead & order the pizza anyway & you have a pretty good time by yourself, but there’s always that chance that they MIGHT show up & ruin YOUR plans that you didn’t plan for. One year, LSU is going to catch us in our pajamas.

But it won’t be Saturday.

I hope you find joy in watching football this weekend. I hope that there is joy in seeing family and friends, and laughing at the audacious cover charges of bars on the strip. I hope that you manage to smuggle your flask in. I hope that traffic isn’t too bad. I hope that you make it home safely with a pizza and friends, and maybe you do that thing where you crack open an ill-advised drink but only drink like half of it and have it on your nightstand when you wake up the next morning.

I hope you wake up unbowed, a little hungover, and ready to face the day, and the day after that, and the day after that.

I hope you wake up undefeated.

Alabama 42-LSU 31

Written by

Writer! Bama Faculty! 4X Marathoner! Donut Enthusiast! Track Jacket Expert! Forever Hype! Catalan! He/Him! RTR! Yes!! brianoliu.com

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