That dreaded moment just before one falls asleap…

It’s 2:40 AM and neither Reddit, nor Imgur, especially not LiveJournal have any new interesting content at this time of the night, that would grant me yet another postponement of having to turn off the computer and the light and attempt to go to sleep.

A few nights ago I started imagining what it would look like if I could put all the different things that are happening in my head in those moments on paper. Perhaps it was because a friend were telling me a story about a fellow and his situation with his then wife and all the interesting perturbations of their failing marriage, and sometime later she actually sent me a link to a post where he described it all in his own words. His post filled me with great melancholy and a certainty in a couple of things: the guy can write, and I’m not really a writer, but I should probably try anyway.

A few things make me fear falling asleep. I’m finally alone with my thoughts. There are plenty of ways to drown them out during the day, but at night, in that short span all of it comes crashing down. Thoughts about messy breakup, thoughts about past lovers, trying to convince myself that it’s not really regret, but an understanding of a necessity for every person to follow their own path… Fear of ultimate mortality. Irrational fear of falling asleep and not waking up again… Understanding enough about things to know, that even if we somehow magically discover a way to live forever, the universe has other plans for us. Eventually, it too will end.

It wasn’t always like that. There were times when the grips of anxiety were passing me by. Last few years were fairly rough, however. Quitting a mundane job that paid fairly well, taking a “calculated” risk of starting something on my own, with very moot prospects of financial stability in the near future. Drifting into a relationship. Not being very happy in the relationship. Breakup. Staying friends. Not being able to stay friends. Evicting a person from your life and mind…

Mental burnout is a hell of a thing. I’m glad that I caught it before it has gotten out of hand. I’m off on a vacation in a few days. Everything else goes on hold. One tiny new fear starts creeping up. The fear of not recharging enough. Of coming back to the same state as I was before I left. This particular fear is irrational, but irrational things are so good at attaching themselves to our thought process… Rational things are easy — one considers a rational thing, slaps an appropriate label on it and files it away. I know, that a month from now I will look back at this and smile.

I guess I’ll just have to find out.

P.S.
In the words of Steve Zissou — ”dictated, but not read”.