Harry Potter and the Fraudulent Credit Card Charges
Which Harry Potter character has the best credit score? Why does that matter? Is any of this factually validated?
What follows is a completely subjective analysis of which Harry Potter character would be most likely to have the best credit score. It is not based on fact. I did not invent these characters. Do wizards even need credit cards? What is the galleon to dollar/pound exchange rate, and does that matter either? I have no idea.
Harry Potter: Harry Potter is a magnet for bad things and/or people and/or events. For seven years we keep asking, “Can things get worse for Harry?” And they do. Consistently. His parents die, he’s almost killed by his Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher at 11, almost killed by a memory and a basilisk at 12, almost de-souled by Dementors at 13, almost killed by Voldemort at 14, his Godfather dies at 15, his mentor/protector Dumbledore dies at 16, only to culminate in his becoming a fugitive at 17. He gets through it all, and saves the day in the end, but come on. His life is like someone falling out of an exploding airplane, breaking their legs and arms against the debris careening around them, but then miraculously surviving by crashing through jungle canopy that softens the fall (but still breaks their spine). Like, yes, they lived; but they’d have rathered the plane not blow up in the first place. Bad happenings follow Harry like the stench of vodka, meth smoke, and Marlboro Reds follows Lindsay Lohan.
As far as finances are concerned, rest assured Harry has the money to make monthly payments on a VISA bill; his Gringott’s vault is as stacked as anyones. However, Harry’s the type of wizard to have the poor fortune to lose his card on a consistent basis, and then fail to dispute the many fraudulent charges made.
Harry: “Why would I charge $1230 at Wal-Mart??”
Magical Rep w/ a Harry Potter bias: *sigh, and a short pause* “I don’t know sir. Why would you get Sirius killed in the Department of Mysteries?” *hangs up*
Harry puts the phone down with tears in his eyes, as his credit score dips below 650.
In the end, this just can’t be a man in possession of a pristine credit history. Harry declaring bankruptcy, or fighting identity theft, sounds like the perfect pitch for a Harry Potter novel revolving around his middle-aged life. The Universe works in mysterious ways, and for whatever reasons, the Universe fucking hates Harry Potter.
Dobby the House-Elf: Dobby’s Hogwarts salary netted him a measly one galleon per week. Lack of human rights notwithstanding, no bank (magical or otherwise) would offer him a free pen, let alone a credit card. Four galleons per month isn’t just weak by economic standards, it’s near vegetative.
Side note: Dobby was a free Elf, RIP. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
Remus Lupin: If there’s one thing the series taught me, it’s that everybody hates werewolves.
Employment wise, Lupin’s credentials are weak. As far as I can tell, his only job during the last decade was a nine-month stint at Hogwarts culminating in him (you’ll never believe it) werewolfing his way clean out of a paid position. Following this, anti-werewolf legislation (whatever that means) makes it harder for him to get another post in subsequent years, yada yada yada, tries to abandon his pregnant wife, so on and so forth, dies. Now, I’m going to go out on a limb on this one: if there was legislation in place to stop him from working, I could almost guarantee that there wasn’t a single magical Well’s Fargo in all of England that would have offered him a credit card. Shabby, indeed.
Draco Malfoy: Malfoy spends the better part of seven years being an asshole. If he weren’t a wizard, he’d be a Duke lacrosse player wearing boat shoes and pastel-colored shorts. As such, Malfoy odds on lacks in the credit department, because his wealthy father most likely handles all of his finances.
Then again, his father gets arrested midway through the series for nearly murdering a group of 15-year-olds. That probably wouldn’t reflect well on the family as a whole. Bit of a financial disaster really, when the sole breadwinner of the family has to do hard time.
Magical Banking/The Law: 1
Malfoy: 0
Albus Dumbledore: I’ll bet before you started reading this, you gave Dumbledore pretty good odds to win the whole thing; he’s a genius, he’s an old man, he has an array of fabulously-colored hats, he discovered the twelve uses of dragon blood, and he has at least ten inspirational book quotes to his name. He’s seemingly the Michael Jordan/Kareem Abdul-Jabar/Bill Russell of Harry Potter universe credit score debates. But, like all of the greats, he has his downsides (from a basketball perspective, probably doesn’t have the build or height necessary to be an effective post presence). Namely, he keeps the secret of Harry’s inevitable doom away from Harry for the entire time he’s alive. The whole “Harry, a part of Voldemort’s soul is inside of you, and the only way to purge it from existence is to have you die” conversation doesn’t ever occur between them. That’s a snag.
Here’s my thought process, where I make a lot of baseless assumptions:
- Dumbledore and deception go together like Kylie Jenner and inexplicable face/body transformations.
- Dumbledore owns a wide variety of rare and expensive possession, including a phoenix.
- How much does a phoenix cost? I have no idea. But the Phoenix Suns basketball team is currently the 13th most valuable NBA franchise, valued at approximately $1 billion. So let’s go with that. $1 billion for Fawkes the phoenix.
- I know a lot of professors. One’s with tenure, a high volume of publications, nice cars, and so on. But do I know any professors with a $1 billion phoenix for a pet? No sir.
What does all of this translate to? You guessed it. Credit card application fraud. First, he uses legilimency to read people’s thoughts and discover their social security numbers (that deceptive old fuck). Next, he applies for credit cards using stolen SSNs. He accumulates enough cards, takes the max cash advance the cards allow, buys his phoenix and who knows what else. Charges up a storm. Ruins lives. Bathes in his victims tears.
And so, Dumbledore is unfortunately disqualified from this discussion for breaking Federal law.
Rubeus Hagrid: Hagrid is consistently autocorrected to Harris whenever I type his name. He’s like an enormous lovable grizzly bear and, as we know, grizzly bears named Harris have no business possessing credit cards. Also, his jacket has so many pockets, there’s no way he’s finding his wallet in that mess. He cries a lot too. Not a good sign for his credit score. Unpredictable mood swings and money are a bad combination.
Imagine how a meeting between Hagrid and a banking representative would progress:
Rep: “Well, Mr. Hagrid, there is a note in your file from your current employer…”
Hagrid: “Hmm?”
Rep: “Yes, something about drunkenly revealing secrets about a three-headed dog to a Dark Wizard, and thereby potentially bringing about the resurrection of the magical equivalent of Adolf Hitler.”
Hagrid: “Oh that, well…”
Rep: “And it says here that you’re only 50% human, from a genetic standpoint.”
Hagrid: *accidentally breaks chair, pink umbrella sets bank on fire*
Does this seem like the sort of guy who would routinely remember to make the minimum monthly payments on his credit card? Does a man living in a shack next to a forest even need a credit card in the first place?
Severus Snape: Words used consistently across seven novels to describe Severus Snape: greasy, hook-nosed, sallow-skinned, greasy, off-colored, greasy, etc.. By all accounts, he’s a disgusting animal. How many disgusting animals do you think can claim a 750 credit score or better? And let’s be honest: if Snape had had a credit card, Snape could have financed the purchase of a wide range of hygiene products in order to ward off the aforementioned greasiness. His continued uncleanliness leads me to believe that his finances were all kinds of fucked up (worth noting, his house sounded like it was located in the wizard equivalent of a run-down inner-city neighborhood).
Snape goes to apply for a credit card. Hagrid shuffles past Snape in the hallway of a magical Well’s Fargo. The banking representative comes out to greet him.
Rep: “Ahh, Mr Snape, sit down, sit down, let me get you a new chair!”
Snape takes an uneasy and greasy seat.
Rep: “Now, it says here you inadvertantly sent Lord Voldemort on a man-hunt after the Potters… you can imagine how that might look to us?”
Snape stares at the representative unblinkingly, his eyes boring into the man’s soul.
Rep: “God man, why are you so greasy?!”
Application for credit declined, end scene.
Another side note: Snape, like many fictional characters, wears the same exact thing every time we see him. Does he own seven identical sets of clothing, or does his poor hygiene truly know no limits?
Hermione Granger: Running up a VISA bill by using your card on expensive things on a consistent basis is irresponsible. My credit score is great, despite the fact that my outstanding balance on my credit card makes me want to vomit my pelvis into a bush. I’m stupid. Hermione is not. As such, Hermione would be the type of person to only use the card once a month to get a tank of wizard-gasoline or some shit, make the payment, and forget about the card until the next month. This would result in a good credit score, but not a great credit score. In the end, Hermione’s likely lack of regular card usage would lead to:
- a lower potential credit score? Most likely.
- a dark cloud of credit debt that hangs eternally over her head? No. Definitely not.
Good for you, Hermione. I haven’t slept well in months.
Neville Longbottom: Let’s forget the fact that, for the first 4.5 books, Neville essentially plays the role of “That Idiot Who Makes the Main Characters Seem More Talented By Comparison”. Forget that for a moment.
His last name is a couple of synonyms away from being Lengthyass. Sound like a guy with a decent credit report?
No.
Lord Voldemort: To my knowledge, Lord Voldemort never wore shoes. Or pants (where did he keep his wallet?). I don’t think he ever had a lot of work experience either (unattractive for anyone offering him a credit card in the first place). He’s also a dangerous maniac who murders people as some sort of deranged blood-sport, and spends the majority of the series evading the long dick of the law. As such, stopping at an Old Navy and buying a nice (but fairly priced) pair of boot-cut jeans with his card would be a dead giveaway of his whereabouts to the Ministry of Magic. He walks in, one of the fitting room ladies notices his red eyes and no-nose, rings him up, sees his name on the credit card, she puts two and two together…
Beyond that, I get the impression that being subject to the mortal shackles of Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion would be unappealing to somebody who spends seven books reminding us how much he hates everyone and likes to work alone.
Long story short, Voldemort would have a difficult time getting a decent car loan.
Ron Weasley: Ron is a student, has no job, but has a stable family and isn’t a criminal. He’s also best friends with a guy destined to save humanity. That being said, he’s poor. How poor? Really fucking poor. Ron breaks his wand one year, the instrument without which his wizardly education is pointless. Does it get replaced within the calendar year? No. Seem like the sort of thing you’d use your credit card for if you or your family had one? Exactly. Poor people, by definition, can’t have good credit scores. I think. The best Ron could hope to attain is a low-limit card, with an at minimum 24% APR — if that. He’s too high risk for anyone to take a chance on him, and given that he is unemployed…
As such, a line of credit would be ill-advised. His family doesn’t generate enough capital to consistently make payments on such a card, the mounting debt would only exacerbate his already strained financial situation, over usage of the card in the first place would adversely effect his credit score…and so he sticks with a wand that routinely backfires on him, and he never owns a pair of properly-fitting pants.
And none of this even takes into account the fact of him becoming a fugitive on the run from the magical totalitarian dictatorship established in the Deathly Hallows. Consorting with Harry Potter? Get out of this fucking bank, you red-headed animal.
Firenze the Centaur: You fucking idiot, why would a horse-man/man-horse need a credit card in the first place?
Uncle Vernon: The obvious answer.
Uncle Vernon engages in several questionable activities en route to what we can only assume is a pristine credit score.
Now, is Vernon’s treatment of his nephew justified? Possibly. It would potentially test my patience as well to wake up one morning, walk outside, and find my nephew (on my wife’s side, I might add) sleeping on the patio. Suddenly, Uncle Vernon has an extra child. An extra mouth to feed. What has he married into? Does he high-tail it now, make a break for it while Petunia busies herself elsewhere?
Would I have gone so far as to have physically locked said nephew into a cupboard underneath the stairs? No, that seems excessive at best, criminal at worst. But, all the same, I can understand the emnity.
But Uncle Vernon was crafty: how could he spoil Dudley AND support Harry on a simple drill-salesman salary? Simple. Starve Harry. Apply for a credit card with a high limit/low-% APR (doable for a family man with stable employment). Run up a line of credit to buy Dudley all of his birthday presents (38 of them, two more than the year before). Move seamlessly along with life as if there isn’t a starved orphan living underneath your stairs, never missing a credit card payment in the process. And we can vouch for his timely payments: Vernon lives in the same house on Privet Drive for at least 17 years, without angry debt collectors ever coming along to repossess his home and all of the lavish things his son fucks around with. If that isn’t picturesque financial stability, then I don’t know what is. At the end of the day, Vernon values his finances the same way Lamar Odom values drugs and being unconscious.
Uncle Vernon dislikes wizards, motorcycles, dreams, Harry, deadbeats, the homeless, and (I can only assume) people with sub-par credit scores. Your champion, ladies and gentlemen.
