I’m a writing mentor, Tim, and I would be happy to work with you to eliminate some errors that actually reduce the credibility and readability of this piece. For example, almost at the beginning you say that what is missing is a lack of passion. But it’s not the lack of passion that’s missing, it’s the passion itself. The lack of passion is, sadly, all too present, right? At another point you create a simple plural with an apostrophe before the s. Not correct. So, if you choose to do a rewrite and would like a temporary mentor, I’m happy to help. Why? Because I believe it’s a solid essay with a couple of bits of spinach on its teeth, and I know it will improve greatly if we get rid of those imperfections.