I Went Viral This Summer and I‘ve Been an Anxious Mess Ever Since
A TikTok of mine went viral and like Kevin Hart proclaimed, I was not ready
By now, you know a lot about me being the daughter of comedian Bernie Mac — unless you’re new here, which in that case, welcome, and well, I guess I can’t say that I’ve buried the lead. My father‘s celebrity has always been an interesting phenomenon in our lives because of the juxtaposition of his public persona and our personal lives. I understand my dad is/was famous. However, there’s always been a disconnect for me in terms of what that means for me. Because I never thought of my dad as anything other than dad, I never made any connection to the limelight for myself. It’s taken me some time, but I’ve finally learned how to embrace that to the public, I am and will always be Bernie Mac’s daughter — at least in part. Much the same way that black people have reclaimed the n-word, and women have reclaimed the word bitch, I decided to reclaim the power of being Bernie Mac’s daughter by using the handle @BerniesDaughter on social media. I share stories and footage of my dad, as well as bits of my life — both with and without my dad.
Earlier this summer I was repeatedly tagged in a TikTok of my dad on stage during his Kings of Comedy days where he jokingly complained about paying for my wedding. People seemed to concentrate on one moment when my dad mentioned the cost of my wedding. It was too much to continually respond to tagged comments, so in a quest to end the explosion of tags and DM’s, I made a TikTok. I explained that he wasn’t upset about the money. However, he was upset because he didn’t like my ex-husband and he didn’t want me to marry him. To drive the point home, I detailed a moment between us on the morning of my wedding day where he told me as much. That’s it. No big deal. Or so I thought. Somehow, that one TikTok made rounds and I was flooded with a tsunami of notifications alerting me to likes, tags, and comments. The attention only increased when The Shade Room reposted it on their page. Over 1.2 million views later, comments, DMs, and separate posts from others about it flurried. It has been reposted on numerous YouTube channels, mentioned in several outlets, and reposted I don’t know how many times. My follower count has more than doubled as a result. I received nonstop notifications for 24 hours straight after The Shade Room posted it. To say I was overwhelmed would be a gross understatement.
I remember seeing an interview with Tabitha Brown where she talked about the vegan sandwich video that went viral and propelled her to success. In the interview, she said that she had no idea that the video would go viral. She said she’d posted before in attempts to become popular, and it never worked, so she was surprised that this was the video that did that. I feel similarly. While I don’t post to become popular, I do share in the hopes of helping people and sharing information about my dad. There are other videos I’ve posted either about my dad or of my dad that I would have thought would have gone viral (if any would). That this one is the one that went viral shocked me. I had no idea that simply talking about my dad on my wedding day would garner so much attention from people. I also had no idea that this experience would trigger my anxiety. To be fair, the overwhelming response has been incredibly positive. But to be transparent, that’s the thing that has shaken me.
I did an interview a few years ago where I spoke about the kind of father my dad was. It was sensationalized and went viral, but it didn’t feel like this. The public response to that interview wasn’t positive, and as weird as this may sound, that was more comfortable for me than this moment. As much as I didn’t like the backlash, I was oddly used to the negative attention. It reinforced my past wounds from when I encountered people who disliked me solely because I was my dad’s daughter. Sadly, I’ve had to admit that not only have I grown accustomed to being disliked because of that mere fact, but I expect it. This summer was different because the overwhelming response was positive, and it made me realize that I’m uncomfortable with positive reinforcement. I didn’t know how to receive it. Truthfully, I still don’t. (I’m working on it though).
Many people congratulated me, and it was not only uncomfortable but confusing. I didn’t feel like I did anything worthy of being congratulated (I still don’t feel as if I have). My bestie told me to enjoy the ride. She told me she was happy that the world was finally getting to see the me that she’s known and loved for years, and I couldn’t stop thinking, Oh no, you think people are going to love me?! I became overwhelmed by the madness of it all. I have since assumed a hypervigilant fight stance, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I was certain that there would be some sort of pushback that I would need to defend myself against. In real time I looked like Major Payne when he proclaimed that he didn’t like Tiger’s hug because it made him feel all funny. I brace myself for a scathing comment each time I receive a notification from my social media accounts. The flames of my anxiety are fanned each time I don’t receive it. As far as I’m concerned, people love to prop you up so that they can knock you back down. I’d rather stay down so that they can eliminate the middle step.
I was so anxious that I needed an emergency counseling session. I was so anxious I couldn’t even grocery shop, or pack for the vacation my daughter and I took a few weeks later. My therapist told me the same thing my bestie told me.
Je’Niece, you are a talented, capable woman who is full of life. But you’ve been so used to living your life for other people and having your story told by others that you’ve grown accustomed to living in the shadows of your own life. Now, you get to tell your story in your own words, and that’s a good thing. It’s just foreign to you.
Just like Smoky said Red would do when Dee-Bo stole his chain in the movie Friday, I cried when I got in the car. If I’m being honest, I know she was right. And if I shall continue to be honest, that scares me. I’m not quite sure it’s a fear of success. But I do know that it’s a fear of being seen and accepted. That sounds weird because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I feel like I’ve had to fight for that for so long, I don’t know what to do with myself now that I can retire my defenses. Who am I when I don’t have to defend who I am?
I’m not saying this to complain or suggest that I view this experience as a negative one. Once I come down from my anxiety, I’m sure I’ll be grateful that it’s made me aware of the lingering issues that I have with my lot in life. While I’ve learned to cease fighting against the truth of being my father’s daughter, I have not quite yet mastered being prominent because of it. I’m in a space in my life where I am working to not play small. I know that means that I may be uncomfortable because I will have to do things that are largely outside of my comfort zone. Doing so will stretch me and illuminate areas that may be out of my view. I guess I’m like a lot of people, I want growth but not necessarily the growing pains. I don’t know if there will be more moments like this that will do the same, but in the meantime, I’ll do as Dory suggested and just keep swimming.
