Member-only story
That Time I Went to a Cuddle Party and Learned I Was Deprived of Intimacy and Affection
It took complete strangers to make me realize I was starved for connection
Once upon a time — 2008–2018 to be exact — I was down and out. I was depressed and lonely. Iyanla Vanzant has said that to be lonely is to be shut down from the thing you want. I felt shut down and apart from everything I deeply desired — family, friends, purpose, love. My dad had died. My marriage had ended. My relationship with my mom and most of my family had become estranged. Life as I had known it had changed entirely and I was lost. I felt as if I were floating in a void with no anchor. I felt about as low as Vickie Winans sang about in her song, Long As I Got King Jesus (Don’t Need Nobody Else)
Well, I’ve been lied on, cheated,
Talked about, mistreated,
I’ve been used, scorned,
Talked about sore as bone.
I’ve been up, down, almost to the ground
I felt burdened and I thought I was a burden to others. I was desperate for connection and…something…something to fill the bottomless cup that was me. Being so low, I went searching for anything and everything I could to “fix” me. I tried church. I went to meditation retreats. I read self-help books. I did yoga. I tried…
