Returning to Self

Beth Barany
Oct 3, 2018 · 3 min read

One of the hardest things for me to know is what I really think and feel.

Not because I just don’t know.

But because I think and feel so much and I’ve learned much of it doesn’t originate from me, with me.

Sound weird? Good.

No, all right, I’ll drop my defenses a bit.

I’m so used to being misunderstood. By that I mean, I have experiences I have no reference points for, so no words for, so it’s hard to talk about them, put words to them.

Is that because the words don’t exist? No.

It’s because, as I said, I have no frame of reference.

It wasn’t until I was in my 20s, did I realize what a psychic and emotional sponge I was.

A huge bell went off in my heart…

That’s what had been going on all these years, of feeling BIG things that I couldn’t explain. They weren’t necessarily mine.


Maybe not.

Maybe that was part of it.

Now as I close in on 50 years on this planet, in this body, I still feel so tapped into the ALL of it.

All the voices. All the feelings. All the images.

It feels like a big cacophony, kaleidoscope, making no sense.

Until eventually, lots of time later, it does make sense.

What helps it all make sense is being in my body, is movement, is walking.

Then I can hear myself think, I can ask myself what I really feel and what I really want, and then I can hear the replies.

Walking has been my preferred method of hearing myself think, witnessing myself, feeling the truth of my heart.

There are other ways of course:

— praying — journaling — coloring — gardening — meditation — dancing — trance work

Perhaps you have other ways you like to connect with yourself, hear yourself think, feel what is true for you.

Photo by Luca Dugaro on Unsplash

Self Is the Point of Reference.

I focus on my breath, just noticing what I notice with compassion, a gentle acknowledgement of all that is, all that shows up, all I perceive, and even all that I don’t perceive, but am feeling the effects of.

I also really appreciate Remembrance, a meditative prayer-like stance I’ve learned from Mark Silver, Heart of Business. Remembrance is from the Sufi tradition, as I understand it, communicated to me via Mark’s training.

My favorite part about it is not needing to be different than one is and remembering one’s connection to the divine, as you conceive of it, and that… Remembrance is a relationship.

In fact, all of what we do is a relationship, but we’ve often forgotten that.

In this book (starting as a blog series on Writer’s Fun Zone), I’m focused on the relationship between conscious self (or ego) to the Writer/Creative and to Muse/Divine Something, and the Writer/Creative with the Muse/Divine. And maybe there are more relationships in the writer’s life, like Editor, Reader, Promoter, Marketer. I believe so, anyway.


  • What if you had a good working relationship with all these parts, and all the parts involved in your writing?
  • What if you had good communication in this area?
  • What would that look like, feel like, sound like?
  • And, what helps you get in touch with your voice, your heart, your truths, to hear yourself, feel what you’re feeling, see your visions and pictures of yourself?
  • What would that be like for you now?

Post in the comments. I’d love to hear your reflections.

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Then check out the 5-Day Writer Discovery course here.

Beth Barany

Written by

Science Fiction/Fantasy author. Award-winning novelist. Founder: Barany School of Fiction. Free class: