1096 Days Later
26304 hours have passed since August 9th 2014. A day that has changed me in innumerable ways, some for the better, some worse. That day was the day I accepted my own death at the hands of a stranger in a dark, gated off area in the early hours of the morning.
People probably get fed up of me talking about this. But the fact is it was an event that shook up my entire existence. If talking about it is what helps me deal with it (which it does), and if it helps someone else deal with their own personal experiences (which it has), then by God, I will keep talking about it.
But my writings today are not about going into the gory details of the whole sordid incident. Today I talk about how I have coped in the three years since it happened, and all the good that has come into my life that I’m so endlessly grateful for.
Friends have come and gone in those three years. Some I don’t miss an inch, others I miss hugely, but I had to let go for my own well-being. The ones that have stuck around however, are the people I know I can count on in a crisis, we refer to each other as brothers and sisters, and we have each other’s backs through thick and thin. I know I can drop into the pub and someone I love will be there for a pint, fag, and good banter. Sometimes I can be having the worst day ever, then a couple of hours hanging out with them can make everything seem worth dealing with.
The new friends that have come into my life, just….wow. You’re all a bunch of absolute nut jobs and I’m so grateful for that. Be it through work or other means of meeting, I know I can be my most silly self, vulnerable self, and above all my honest self, because I know not a single one of you will judge me. That’s a rare thing for me to believe, but you all make it so real. I’ve been invited more places in the last 6 months by you all than I had in the previous 6 years. Suddenly I feel so much more fulfilled and accepted.
And then we come to the person that has changed everything. The one that has shaken everything upside down and made me rethink my entire worth and purpose in this world. My boy with the prettiest eyes.
(Michael, I know you’re probably reading this, and you guessed correctly. It’s gonna be a little mushy, but power through.)
The last year has been a dream. One that I hope I never, ever wake up from. I can’t imagine a life before him, it seems nonsensical and pointless and utterly devoid of happiness or meaning. People say not to allow your worth to be defined by your partner, but mine is not. He helps me to become the best version of myself, constantly building me up when I’m down and making me feel special in a way I have never felt before. When he woke up in the early hours of this morning to find me crying from an anxiety attack, he didn’t ask me if I was okay. He didn’t ask if I needed anything. He just held me and told me he was there. There was no rush to stop crying, no questioning my sadness. Everything I needed in that moment with no prompt or explanation. The soul this man has is unfathomable. To have someone this genuinely good in my life is a gift I never expected and yet am so grateful for. I can’t wait to make a home with him, though I know wherever we go together, that is home.
In closing. Bad things happen, and they always will. Bad things happen to people that don’t always deserve them to happen. But a whole lot of good happens too, and it can make the bad things seem paltry by comparison. Don’t shut out the idea that good things can happen, despite how bad things get.