All About Fuck-ups

I might be a bad person. At least in part.

It is a weird thing to admit to yourself, and even a weirder thing to come to terms with. Not sure how I feel about anything at all at this point in time.

I absolutely detest playing the victim card. Hate it. I accept responsibility for my actions. I need to feel like I control the direction and movement in my life. On my terms. And being a victim removes not only the blame from the situation, but your control in it.

If I make bad decisions, I will pick myself up and move on. Accept my part in the situation, and move forward. No one is wholly bad or wholly good. To be able to move forward after one of these slip-ups in my life, I examine the situation, determine how much or how little I am responsible for, accept and process this, and leave it to that. No use wallowing in the shame or guilt. I will not let these feelings determine my motion in life.

Sometimes, in the bigger and messier situations, I need outside help and perspective to determine what exactly I need to take from it, and what I need to let go from it. This is why I reached out to a licensed psychologist this month. I think we take a lot of the blame from situations we shouldn’t, and reject a lot of responsibility from the things we actually can control. Unnecessary guilt is harmful and paralyzing, but taking proper responsibility of the things we can control can be incredibly freeing.

So that is my goal moving into my 22nd year. Examine the first 21 years of my life. All of the fuck-ups, all of the shit that has happened against me, and i have done against others. Determine what worth-while lessons I can learn from it, and what was harmful bull-shit that has no place in my heart or mind. Learn what I can, and leave the rest in the past. I don’t want to be paralyzed from mistakes my family has made, but also don’t want to flee or run. There has to be something in the middle. And that is what I will seek after.

• In this article I am solely talking about messy life decisions. In the areas of rape, abuse, etc, there is obviously a victim and perpetrator. I do believe the victim is wholly innocent in these scenario.

Article written in June of 2017