beth is doing a detox but somehow makes this about her fragile soul
When you’ve been feeling a certain way for a long time, the pendulum swing can be harder to navigate.
Here I am, on this Labor Day Weekend, ushering in a new season with a large ice cream cone. Here I am, one last ice cream before I begin a 12 day detox tomorrow, because I want to and my grandma gifted me with it. Here I am, by myself. The ones closest to me far away.
Here I am, not confident at all that I have what it takes. Fragile, sad — again — and frightened. Worried about money, worried about the future, worried about my health, both mental and physical.
My hope, after a rich summer full of celebration, was that I would feel different. I would be one step closer to my goals, my dreams, to contentment and true joy. To that flat tummy I want so badly for no good reason at all.
Then, the pendulum swung. And the blow hurt worse. The blow always hurts more. I always think it’ll be the last time. That I can truly change. That I won’t be the sad, jealous, lonely, sensitive, anxious creature that I am. That I would be… something else. Someone else.
But, you see, I guess the journey to self love is realizing that those parts are what make me me. I shouldn’t be afraid of them or hide from them. But let it all in. Because, what always follows a “slip up” is shame. And shame turns an emotion into a monster. Shame turns my sadness into despair. Shame turns my jealousy, my loneliness, my sensitivity, and my anxiety into self-hatred. Or, worse, hatred of others. Of the ones I love most.
I’m less confident in what this year will bring. Let alone tomorrow. If these past few weeks are any indication, things are going to be different. (Duh, beth). Things aren’t as easy as they felt even a month ago. But, here I am ringing in this new year. Holding on to the things I learned from the last. Treat yourself, be kind to yourself, eat some veggies, go for a walk, and breathe.
Ready or not, tomorrow will come. I’ve prepared as much as I could. Hopefully, I’ll start each day with a little bit of courage. Hopefully, I’ll end each day with a little bit of force. Hopefully, I’ll get a little detoxin’ both inside and out. Hopefully, that’ll carry me through.
Inside and out.
