Toddlers and Tiaras Recap: Episode 1, Cambrie vs. Jaimie: Game On!

The trashiest of the trashy shows that I will publicly admit I watch is back! And I’m watching and recapping so you don’t have to.

Season premiere starts off by telling us that the “competition has evolved” by showing a montage of how it’s pretty much exactly the same. Big hair, fake tans, kids falling over, parents threatening to beat the shit out of each other. Yep, pretty much the same exact thing. What is different is this season seems to be focusing on two rival pageant “teams”, Cambrie’s Court and Sassy Supremes, apparently the Crips and Bloods of the toddler pageant world.

In Las Vegas we meet Cambrie, the leader of Cambrie’s Court. She looks like Aubrey O’Day and Backdoor Teen Mom Farrah had a baby that they gave to a rogue Kardashian faction to raise.

Cambrie of Cambrie’s Court which in no way sounds like the name of a pay-by-the-hour motel by the expressway onramp (yes, it does).

She tells us that in pageants you have to “be the best dancer, you have to be the prettiest girl, you have to have the best clothes, you have to have the best hair and makeup.” So, in a nutshell, to win that you have to be the best? This is revolutionary information that will, no doubt, take the pageant world by storm!

She goes on, “I literally eat, breath, and sleep pageants. I can’t even keep a boyfriend because I love pageants too much.” Going out on limb, I’m guessing that’s not why you can’t keep a boyfriend.

This is her happy face.

Anyway, she also says she genuinely loves the girls and hopes to help them succeed in not just pageants, but whatever they want to do in life. Aww…that’s sweet, but don’t worry, she’ll makes us forget the only nice thing she says in the entire episode very shortly.

Next up is Jaimie in Phoenix. Aside from having too many vowels in her name, she’s also the coach of the “Sassy Supremes”. The name Sassy Supremes sounds like the coolest clique with the worst reputation at Shady Acres Retirement Community, but I assure you they are tiny pageant contestants.

Pageant coach Jaimie

Jaimie also used to do pageants growing up and tells us that either the Sassy Supremes or Cambrie’s Court girls take home all the big titles on the west coast. She describes her relationship with Cambrie as “frenemies.” “We’re nice to each other, but know we want to take the other one down.” Cut to Farrah O’Kardashian saying through extremely clenched teeth, “The Sassy Supremes are haters in general. That’s what happens when you can’t win.” Oh.

This first pageant is the Jungle Safari Pageant and Cambrie explains that this kicks off the season, the stakes are high and all the big coaching groups will be there. Dear God, there are MORE of them???

Because Cambrie’s awfulness isn’t enough to sustain an entire show, it’s time to meet the pageant families! We head to Gilbert, Arizona to meet Megan and her daughter, four year old, Kallyn, who is on the merry-go-round spinny thing at the park directing her dad to go faster. Megan yells, “That’s probably not the best idea for a girl with an upset stomach.” Foreshadowing!

Apparently interviews are super casual this season? That bow was not the best decision she’s ever made.

Inside Kallyn’s room, Megan is holding her up and asks, “Are you going to puke?” Okay, Megan, really? I don’t even have kids and even my dumb ass knows if you have to ask a kid if they’re going to puke, you’re already too late. Kallyn spews forth her greatness all down Megan’s cleavage. But she’s not quite done yet! She projectile vomits a good 2 1/2 feet towards her trophies.

Anyway, Megan tells us, “Kallyn is sick. Somehow.” Oh, you don’t say? The spontaneous vomit with Jordan-like hangtime did give me a hint that something was wrong, but thanks for clearing it up, Meg! “The show has to go on!” I’m sure the other parents and people on the airplane are super grateful you’ll be taking the random puker into tight quarters with no room for escape.

The doorbell rings at the puke palace and Jaimie is there for a coaching session. Jaimie apparently charges $55 an hour or $30 for a half hour per session. She says, “You can’t even get a babysitter for that price.” Damn, I made a wrong career choice. Yeah, I am glaring at you, graphic design degrees. Anyway, lots of talk of sassy walks, spray tans, and sparkling ensues.

Now we head over to Phoenix to meet Selyse and her mom, Kim. I think there is a gross bodily fluid subtheme to this episode, because Selyse let’s fly the juiciest sneeze ever.

This wasn’t even the worst shot of it.

You know those girls who speak with that affected vocal fry voice where everything sounds like they’re asking a question and they’re just so put out by the effort of having to form actual words? That’s Kim’s speaking voice. And she has a donut on her head.

Dear technology, please invent mute buttons for people.

“Selyse is my surprise birth control baby that I’m so happy for because she’s like the cutest thing ever.” She seems to be that person who, when you ask how they are doing, they actually tell you. Kim, maybe leave the “surprise birth control baby” chat until we know you better. “I have a hole in my tooth. I’m not even kidding, because I keep signing up for pageants.” Oh yeah, she’s definitely that person.

Thank God we move on from getting to know Kim and Selyse and on to her friend, Sheena coming over. The whole purpose of this visit seems to be to bash Jaimie. Sheena’s daughter used to be a Sassy Supreme but is now in Cambrie’s Court. Oh my. Is that allowed? I assumed once you were jumped in, you were a Sassy S or CC Girl for life. This whole thing is reminding me of when Johnny Sack moved into Tony Soprano’s neighborhood and we all know how that ended (actually, I don’t. Note to self: rewatch The Sopranos).

Anyway, Kim is showing Sheena Selyse’s pageant attire and Sheena pretty much tells her why all her choices are wrong. Kim says she has noticed Jaimie’s “favoritism” and “other things” yet they’re still paying her bargain basement babysitter rates for coaching. Sheena says, “Jaimie hasn’t grown up yet. Everything is drama with her.” FORESHADOWING!

On to Benbrook, Texas where meet 4 year old contestant, Lily, who welcomes us to her pool. Her “pool” is a ditch with like 4 inches of water in it. Grandma is wearing white pants (oh no) and slides right in (oh yes) while mom stands there laughing her ass off.

Get thee behind me, Satan!

Lily yells that if she doesn’t win, she’s going to “knock the stage down and burn it on fire!” which she repeats several times growing louder and more possessed each time. Yikes. It’s like a prequel to the movie Carrie.

Mom Amber starts totalling up all the money they’ve spent on pageants and realizing she’s spent “over $45,000” makes this face:

Damn. If I spend $45K on something it better have wheels, heated leather seats, and make people who hate me hate me even more.

Amber goes serious for a second and says that it’s all worth it when they see Lily out there doing what she loves, because “then we know we’re doing something right.” Did you not overhear the fire conversation, Amber? Anyway, this makes her tear up, which we will find Amber does A LOT. More tears when she talks about all the sacrifices they’ve made to make sure Lily has the best life possible.

Cambrie comes over for a coaching session and is wearing some kind of camouflage/tie dyed halter top/skort/fashion student nightmare ensemble while Lily runs around like an escaped mental patient after 8 frappuccinos. In a cutaway interview, Cambrie tells us how people pay her $175 for each class, but this is truly a bargain, because one lesson with her “is like 40 with another coach. I mean Jaimie is $50 an hour, but you’re not going to learn anything.” Well, then.

I don’t even know.

“Jaimie probably doesn’t like me very much because she’s jealous of me,” Cambrie opines and then makes this face:

Yes, I’m sure she’s totally jealous of your halter skort lifestyle, Regina George.

But she’s not done. While trying on one of Lily’s crowns (seriously), she asks Amber if she’s ever seen the Sassy Supremes. While Amber is answering, Cambrie says, “There’s not much to see.” Her wittiness pleases her.

I get the feeling she verbally states what emojis she would use. “OH EM GEE. I am so freaking funny! Hand clap emoji!”

We’re zipping over to Dallas where Cambrie’s Court is having a group class before heading to the pageant in Shreveport. “I never want to take more than 20 kids to a pageant. I like to take about 5–8 because that’s all the big titles. We leave all the princesses and divisionals for the Sassy Supremes.” For someone who seems convinced of her own superiority, she sure seems preoccupied with the Sassy Supremes.

We’ve got a late entrant, Jaquelynn who tells us she can count to 100 and is so stinking cute that I can’t handle it.

I am powerless against her cuteness.

She and her mom, Sylvia (Sylvia’s all seem to be super old ladies and she’s young, so it’s throwing me for a loop), and some random person who looks like my friend, Kristin, live in Louisiana but have come to Dallas for Cambrie’s bootcamp/indoctrination. Sylvia’s family criticizes her because they don’t get her “pageant lifestyle.” If they make a movie of Sylvia’s life, Drew Barrymore would play her to perfection.

I’m blinded by the diversity! Oh wait, that’s just a sequin in my eye.

But all is not harmonious in Cambrie’s Court. If you look closely, the girl in the black knee socks is bucking the system. Jayliana has decided she is not down with the “stupid cheerleader’s bow.” She and her mom, Deb, have very strong feelings about this bow situation. Deb says Jayliana only wore the bow previously to please Cambrie and she is not going to “make this about this f’ing bow.” But they decide it is about the stupid f’ing bow and leave. Hm…this whole thing seems a bit forced and, dare I say, FAKE?? Mostly because of mom Deb’s scene chewing overacting.

But wait a minute! What’s this??? At the start of the scene where Cambrie drags Jayliana over to her mom, she’s wearing the standard uniform.

HOWEVER, when they turn to leave, Jayliana’s outfit has magically morphed into a black leotard and tutu.

Case closed. I don’t think we had one open, but whatever.

Back in Arizona, Jaimie is having her own little bootcamp at the mall instead of a fancy gym. Jaimie says it’s to help them conquer stage fright, but it looks like they scared the crap out of some poor octogenarian just waiting for his wife at the Hanes Outlet. Jaimie’s coaching style is way looser than Cambrie’s and these kids actually seem to be having fun. Everyone is seated in the round and the girls randomly walk up and do their sassy pageant walk.

During her turn, Selyse walks the floor looking at the ground and kind of wanders off while the other parents and kids look on awkwardly. Jaimie says Selyse needs to learn her routine, because she was winging it. Kim is PISSED. “Well she hasn’t practiced because our house has been torn apart for three weeks.” More awkward looks and Jaimie moves on to another girl.

You can practically see the thought bubble over her head that says, “Oh shit. Why did I make eye contact with her? I don’t even know her. Maybe if I don’t say anything she’ll walk away.”

Kim goes up to some random lady and starts bitching about Jaimie “ripping apart [her] three year old.” Uh yeah, no. She was complaining about you not making her practice. Kim is also that person who covers her Facebook wall in quotes about walking away from drama and then vaguebook posts, “I AM SO SICK OF THIS!!! feeling frustrated” so people reply, “Oh no! What’s wrong?” “What’s up? Calling u!” “Prayers!!1!!” She continues to complain and look ticked off.

Meanwhile in Dallas, Cambrie has brought in an acting coach and, surprise! It’s Demi Lovato’s sister, Dallas. She radiates a sweetness and bubbliness that makes it seem like she’d be perfect to host a children’s TV show.

Dallas Lovato

Amber says Dallas is “a star” and this is a big opportunity. I went to IMDB because sometimes I’m a little behind on who has done what and wanted to see if I was missing something. Dallas’s acting credits include “girl #3” and “dancer” and a bunch of voice work. Uh…okay. Anyway, Dallas is working with the girls on getting into character for the pageant. First up is Lily, the fire starter, who is a “happy monkey.”

Happy Monkey looks like it’s ready to attack.

This makes Amber burst into tears because Lily is “so beautiful.” Amber, one thing you need to know about me is that I am a crier. I cry at everything. That commercial where Duck the dog can’t get into the car gets me every single stinking time. So as a fellow crier I say to you, suck it up!

White pants really got a lot screen time this episode.

A random Cambrie interview cuts in and says, “We’re ready! The Sassy Supremes don’t stand a chance.” Based on their little show outside Forever 21, she’s probably right, but the gloating is really unbecoming.

It’s pageant day! We’re in Shreveport, Louisiana for the Jungle Safari Pageant. Wait a minute. It says, “Bailey’s Pageant” does that mean…it does! Tonya Bailey is back! For the unfamiliar, Tonya Bailey was the queen of old-timey Toddlers and Tiaras. She hosts the best pageants and seems all-around awesome. Warm and friendly, doesn’t seem like she puts up with shit and you know she’s down with popping open a bottle of wine or five.

How has she not aged at all????

A little montage of pageant goings on. Oh and a baby face plants. I really hope they added the “splunk!” sound effect because if not, she probably should get to the neurologist. Tonya goes on about how one of her pet peeves is parents who ask, “How did she win?” “Because the judges picked her to win. That’s why! I’m not going bug-eyed, am I?” she asks someone off camera.

Yes, but it makes you way more awesome, Tonya.

“People out there are dyin’. Of cancer. If your kid don’t win the freakin’ mega, it’s okay. Life goes flicking on, you know?” Tell ’em, Tonya.

Once again, Cambrie reminds us that she’s “not worried about the Sassy Supremes. Jaimie is an overpriced babysitter.” Yes, we heard you the first 38 times you told us you weren’t worried. Amber says anything can happen. She just hopes people “Stay nice.” Foreshadowing? Hmmm…..Amazingly she manages to not cry during the interview.

The pageant has barely started and we’re almost out of show! Is this a two-parter???? Boo, TLC!!! BOO!!

Back to the pageant and we see a montage of kids downing pixie sticks and infants crossing the stage. The announcer (who totally looks like an off-duty cop) says one baby’s goals are “learning to walk and talk.” Why does that make me laugh so hard? Tonya gives us the quote of the episode, “You don’t have to have alcohol to have fun, but it sure makes it better.” Damn straight.

Kim is getting Selyse ready for the pageant and whining about being sleep deprived while trying to figure out the in-room Keurig. She rips the top off of the K-cup, tries to rip the top off of the machine, then keeps turning the machine around for some reason. “It’s not even worth it. I’ll just go downstairs when we’re done.

Please note the multiple how-to pictures actually on the machine.

Yeah, it’s a really mystery how it works.

The Keurig incident is nothing compared to the grave error Kim is about to commit. She.Forgot.The.Pixie.Sticks. Just pack your shit up, Kim! Hope you like divisional princess! No mega nachos bell grande supreme title for you!

Megan and Kallyn arrive sans barf and graciously share their Red Bull supply with Selyse. Megan says, “Kim is just as scattered as usual.” Probably the most accurate thing ever said on this show.

Jaimie’s face says, “Lord, help me.”

Off-Duty Cop Announcer calls all the three year-old’s to the staging area, but in the room, Kim is asking if she should do Selyse’s nails. Megan and Jaimie just look at each other in a way that says, “I don’t want to tell her, you tell her.” Finally Megan mumbles, “Uh…they started 20 minutes ago. I guess I’d do the dress first.” Because I forgot to mention, Selyse isn’t even fully dressed yet. She’s clearly not feeling it and clinging to Kim who, even after being told they’re due on stage, stops to get a Red Bull. I am so total Type A personality that their lateness is giving me anxiety.

They call Selyse to the stage and Kim and Jaimie are just getting to the elevator like they’ve got all the time in the world.

Last call for Selyse.

After Jaimie tells her to run, Kim whines that she needs a minute because her pants are falling down. Then Jaimie asks Kim why Selyse is wet, “Because I dropped Red Bull on her.” I can’t with you, Kim.

They finally get to the stage and Kim is whining that they didn’t wait for her. They being the entire freaking pageant. “Maybe they are behind though?” Yeah, they’re not. She starts crying about all the money they spent and how it was all wasted if they’re not allowed to compete. Oh, I have a solution for this! Maybe you have heard of this new thing called CLOCKS? They’re pretty much everywhere since being invented in the 14th century.

Sadly (pretend), that’s where this episode ends! We’ll have to wait for the next episode to see who is wins the coveted ultra mega meat lovers supreme title. No matter what happens, I’m sure Amber will get teary. “It’s just so beautiful.”