Go buy a programmable coffee maker. It’ll change your life.

I appreciate good handwriting. I notice fonts. I’m in awe of the artistry and talent that it takes to work with words. I have zero patience for truisms that live on mugs or pillows. Don’t get me started on graphic t’s. Now, for just $14.97 + shipping, you can demonstrate your cultural savvy by wearing the latest meme or lyric on a shirt.

We get it, you have access to wifi and you’ve seen Lemonade. Boi Bye ✌️.

So chances are you’ve also seen this.

And this.

And this.

I hate them. They don’t even make sense. What is a painted board about coffee doing in the woods? I’m trying hard to squelch the bile rising in my throat. I hate them.

But I’m here to tell you (begrudgingly) that they’re true. And quite possibly the key to a very happy relationship. File this under relationship-advice-from-someone-who’s-failed-at-marriage.

I remember the day my mom first brought home a programmable coffee maker. Neat. But this seemingly innocuous and practical purchase changed everything.

You see, my dad is a beyond-talented human. However, the large majority of his skills lie outside of the kitchen. Whereas my mom finds immense pride and joy in providing for her family — and having a well-stocked pantry. You can imagine the division of roles from here. And they’ve settled happily into this routine.

The coffee maker did not intentionally resolve an area of tension in their relationship. It didn’t need to. What it did was suddenly enable my dad to step into my mom’s domain in the least invasive way possible (she’s very particular about which towel goes where) and simultaneously start the day off by doing something sweet for her.

She grinds the coffee at night. Sets the timer. She goes to bed. He wakes up first. He fills a mug with liquid magic and delivers it to her in bed.

This requires almost zero effort on either of their parts, and it has completely transformed their morning routines. And I’m sure if you asked them, neither one would concede this point.

Moral of the story? We live in a world where programmable coffee makers are not only accessible, they’re the norm. Find that function on your machine and learn how to use it. Today.

Spend the extra 45 seconds each night before bed to treat your partner to the wake-up ritual of their dreams. And if they hate coffee (heathen), then find out what it is and do that. Charge their phone while they’re brushing their teeth. Replace a towel with a fluffy one from the dryer while they’re showering.

And best of all? Don’t say anything about it. Don’t prod for accolades, you piece of shit. You’re doing this because you love them, not because you need recognition. Identify your go-to move. Do it. Move on.

Don’t trust me? I dare you to start an experiment. And until then,