If you don’t, life will do it for you…
The last two days I have been unable to move. I pinched something in my neck and as much as I want to get up and do my usual thing, I can’t. I did all the requisite things — chiropractor, some energy massage, Advil and ice but the fact is that I have to slow down and just rest and let it heal. I find that when I don’t listen to the voice that tells me to slow down, it will inevitably happen for me without my consent.
I have a lot of self judgement about slowing down volitionally. “I am being lazy”, “I don’t have time”, “I need to make money”, “I need to be productive”, “I have too much to do to rest” say all the voices. Permission to take a breather is not something I am particularly good at. And then something knocks me on my ass and I have to sit there.
I actually sat with the pain and felt it. I used the Advil for the swelling but didn’t opt into heavy pain killers or muscle relaxers. That cough syrup with Codeine did cross my mind, but I chose to sit consciously with the pain and the reality of what my body was telling me. I need to slow down.
In sitting, and not doing much moving, I realized how much I have been avoiding, how much I use life to keep me moving so I don’t have to just sit with myself. I realize that I am kind of sad and lost and that I am not really clear what I want in my life right now…except for my relationship. I just got engaged and I don’t think I have ever been so sure about anything. It is so good and so real and the decision was a no brainer. Having that kind of clarity in one part of my life makes me want that everywhere. I want my whole life to feel that good.
I have been reflecting a lot lately about how many of the decisions I have made in the past few years have been out of scarcity as opposed to true desire and how those decisions compare to a decision that feels so incredibly effortless. It is a great time of year to reflect and I think I am going to write a lot in the next few days and figure out what I want 2016 to look like.