Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Tara Maclay taught me how to fight

I used to work at an upscale bakery in Chelsea. I was just happy to get a job when I first started, but what I hadn’t been told was it was a popular haunt for New York City-based celebrities, and over my nine months of employment, I would see a lot of them. I suffered Keri Russell’s dad jokes when our registers froze, ran headfirst into Paul Giamatti — which, if I ever see him again, I will definitely apologize for — and got to take a selfie with Bill Clinton. I ended up serving upwards of 20 celebrities, but none of them meant as much to me as when I met Amber Benson.

I was working the register when I saw her a few people down in line, and I thought, “No. There’s no way. It can’t be.” But I’m nothing if not completely unaware of social cues, so I asked if she was, in fact, Amber Benson. She said yes, and I immediately started to well up. She was lovely, and offered to take a selfie with me, and my heart was pounding too hard for me to say anything other than, “Tara is one of my favorite Buffy characters” when we were taking the picture. But now, for the show’s 20th anniversary, I’d like to communicate just how much that character and Amber’s performance mean to me.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my favorite show, bar none. Since finishing it in early 2015, I’ve watched some episodes six or seven times over again just because (even more often if they’re “Fool for Love” or “Once More With Feeling”) and I’ve never gotten tired of any of it. I co-host a Buffy podcast. I even keep up with the comics. Save for Harry Potter, I don’t dedicate this much energy over an extended period of time to anything.

There are so many wonderful Buffy characters. I’ve said before that I love every single woman on the show (except for Kennedy. I hate you, Kennedy) and I like a solid 60 percent of the men. But when I watch a show, I tend not only to have favorite characters, but I really latch onto certain ones that I see myself in. And I don’t know if I’ve ever identified with any fictional character more than Tara Maclay.

Tara is introduced in the show’s fourth season as main character Willow’s new love interest. She’s a shy and unassuming — but powerful — witch. She comes from a home that doesn’t understand her sexuality or her witchcraft. It’s never said, but as Amber is from Birmingham, Alabama (one hour away from my hometown of Tuscaloosa) I’d like to think that Tara is, too. This shy, queer Southern girl saw another of her kind in Buffy, and from the moment her first episode was done, I loved her.

In a show full of characters teeming with supernatural strength, Tara’s quiet fortitude stands out. While her powers are formidable, what draws me to her are the small markers you see as she grows into herself and gains confidence she’d never had. It takes almost a season for the Scooby Gang to truly accept her, but she never holds it against any of them — and there is a marked difference in her character after they do bring her into the fold. When under the threat of having her mind sucked out if she doesn’t reveal the location of an inter-dimensional key, she lets it happen rather than betray her friends. When Willow is abusing and manipulating Tara because of her addiction to magic, Tara doesn’t hesitate to leave her. She is there for Buffy when her mother dies, for Dawn when Buffy can’t mother her, and for Spike after Buffy dies. More than any other character, she is shown as consistently selfless, kind and caring.

As someone who isn’t used to standing up for herself, I take a lot of inspiration from Tara in my daily life. It’s easy for people born with the gift of extroversion and confidence to point out when they’re not being treated well, but it never has been for me. Seeing that same timidity overcome as Tara grows in Buffy means even more to me than someone like Buffy or Anya defend themselves – because it shows me that I can. I might not be the Slayer, or a vengeance demon, but I can fight for myself and others in different ways.

Tara’s time on the show was cut short when she was murdered at the end of season six. I still get angry when I think of how her death was just a plot device to further Willow’s descent into villainy, but the feeling doesn’t ever stay for long. I’m honestly just thankful that Joss Whedon and Amber Benson brought someone so wonderfully complex to life. Buffy has a lot of heart, but it wouldn’t have nearly as much without Tara. She means the world to me, and the character shows me what I have the potential to do. Be there for someone, but don’t let them walk on you. Be open-minded, but never back down from your beliefs. Don’t let your love for someone overshadow the relationship’s warning signs. You can be a fighter and retain your softness.

Like I said, all of the women on the show are magnificently crafted. But I don’t think any of them will ever mean quite as much to me as that quiet, stuttering witch who found herself just as much as she taught me to.

Thanks, Tara and Amber.