Affection As Currency

We’ve all done it, we’re upset with a partner/lover/friend or family member, we’re angry and annoyed, they try to hug us and we pull away not wanting their touch, perhaps not even wanting to be in the same room as them! We deny them their usual access to our affections. We are so occupied in that moment by our own rage, it is inhabiting us so completely & deeply, that we cannot take their feelings into consideration in that moment. That anger calms, with time and/or conversation, usually, and we come back to a place, ideally, of being able to communicate what we were feeling & why, back to a place of being able to behave like an adult again and use our grown up words!

There are people in the world, however, who often don’t verbally express how they’re feeling, for whatever reason, particularly when feeling angry, irritated or annoyed — maybe they don’t actually know what emotion it is they’re feeling — this is more common than most people realise, perhaps they don’t feel comfortable expressing it, sometimes there’s a fear that when the other person hears how they’re feeling they’ll be angry in return, or the connection will be damaged, or even cut, perhaps they think the other person won’t be psychologically resilient enough to hear & understand what they’re saying and so they remain silent about their feelings, swallowing them— except their behaviour does change because the nature of human beings is that we cannot completely hide how we feel, it’s simply not possible, emotions will find a way of expressing themselves in behaviour if they’re not allowed to verbally.

Did you ever notice that person with whom you usually share kisses at the end of your Facebook messages leaving out those kisses when you think they might or know they are annoyed with you? Perhaps you have someone in your life who stops calling for a while after you’ve said something to them that you know they don’t like or after you’ve had a disagreement? Have you ever had a friend mysteriously become quiet & stop calling around to visit you, which is something they used to do, for a while after you’ve had an argument? This is classic passive-aggressive behaviour, behaviour that is masquerading as passive and/or neutral, it’s not directly angry at all, perhaps there’s even a niceness or charm about it, but it’s far from passive in truth, it’s actually an aggressive act on the part of someone who’s feeling some degree of anger hidden behind a mask of passivity because they cannot, for whatever reason, articulate that anger.

More than that, though, in this specific instance this behaviour uses affection as a currency, in other words the unconscious mind is ‘saying’ something like; ‘’I’ll behave warmly towards you, I’ll perhaps even say ‘I love you’, I’ll maintain our usual language of kisses at the end of messages, regular contact, the language of hugs etc unless I’m annoyed by something you’ve said, and, when I’m annoyed I’ll withdraw those signs of affection so that you know I’m annoyed, so that I don’t have to expressly say it, and so that you won’t do it again because I know you like and want my affection, & I’ll punish you by taking it away’’. This is super-subtle behaviour, usually unconscious, on the part of the person doing it, and hidden deeply in childhood disappointments, resentments & hurts. It is a learned defensive & protective behaviour.

Usually the person who uses affection as currency was taught this behaviour in childhood, often it’s a behaviour that one of their parents exhibited, they absorbed it as a norm in their tool kit of human relating and either no-one has challenged it in the meantime or it has not been challenged sufficiently to move into the conscious awareness of the person doing it. Using affection as a currency, taking it away when displeased, can be a very effective strategy for children in situations that are not supportive or even hostile and dangerous for a child, in environments where verbal violence, or other strong emotion, is unacceptable children will find other ways of expressing their anger either externally outwards directed at others in passive aggressive ways or internally inwards, & directed at themselves in behaviours such as self harm & addiction. When trust is broken, when affection is not guaranteed from a parent or other adult in loco parentis, when expressions of anger are met with rejection or more anger or violence the child learns to manage their emotions accordingly. Of course they will then hide their anger as they grow into an adult, possibly masking it with passive aggressive behaviours, masking it with addiction or other self harm, masking it with faux-anger or what I call ‘’performance anger’’ — an anger that looks like it’s real but it isn’t, it’s essentially a show for others and not for the one the anger is actually directed at, and many other behaviours other than directly expressing their anger at the person they feel or who actually has caused it.

So, now we’ve identified what Affection as Currency is, and that it is a passive aggressive behaviour, what are our choices in terms of dealing with it?

It may seem obvious, but, the first step towards dealing with it is spotting it & being able to identify it!

It can be easy to miss the signs of this behaviour, especially if we’re excited about a new connection, be it a lover, friend or colleague. Sometimes the Affection as Currency dynamic doesn’t raise it’s head until months or even years into the relationship, depending on the nature of the relationship, and there’s an argument or disagreement, or an expectation isn’t met. And of course, if we notice it, we usually want, because we like the person, for it to be a one-off occurrence, we don’t want it to be a thread woven tightly into the fabric of who and how they are, because that makes things a whole lot more complicated and potentially problematic.

However, when you do identify that it is a pattern of behaviour is the perfect opportunity to decide what nature of relationship you want with the person, of what depth & width, how intimately you want them in your life and that will then dictate how you respond further.

Depending on the relationship you have, and desire to have, with the person it may be worth trying to understand where this behaviour comes from, & why.

Understanding why people behave the way they do inevitably leads to greater compassion, both for them and for ourselves. Of course understanding doesn’t equate with doing nothing or continuing to be on the receiving end of behaviour that isn’t respectful or honouring of who and how you are, but it can illuminate the cause. You might find some helpful information here, here, and here.

Avoid being the passive-aggressive person’s trigger.

Of course this is often easier said than done in that a) we don’t know, necessarily, what triggers other people, and usually it’s actually nothing to do with us but we’re simply the current trigger that reminds the person, unconsciously, of an earlier incident or relationship where the original hurt stems from, and b) their triggers, if genuinely not our doing, are not our responsibility. Unless you’re a suitably qualified professional & the person’s counsellor, coach or therapist deliberately trying to trigger someone is, frankly, a nasty thing to do that may cause unnecessary psychological harm. Equally, if you know what their triggers are, it can be easy to avoid them & not place yourself in the position of being on the receiving end of this particular aspect of passive aggressive behaviour. Of course, modulating our behaviour in order not to experience certain sides of someone else’s behaviour isn’t advisable or sustainable in the long run, and is perhaps best suited to those we have casual as opposed to intimate relationship with. Changing how we interact & relate to an intimate partner in order not to trigger passive aggressive behaviour is something I would recommend seeking professional support on, you can find out more about how I can support you by clicking here if you feel that’s something you’d like to investigate.

Don’t suffer in silence. Get clear on what your boundaries are & assert them.

Being the person who suffers someone else’s behaviours, like a martyr, in silence or without clear response is not going to be empowering for you nor indeed supportive of the other person — what’s happening is the person learns that they can continue this behaviour without consequence, this serves no-one & supports the Affection as Currency passive aggressive dynamic to continue & indeed even thrive.

The boundaries you decide upon are going to relate to the specifics of your relationship, what relationship capital has been invested & what you desire to invest in the future, what is at stake, and what you desire to create with and within the relationship.

What I’d love to conclude with is an invitation or two…….

Many people unconsciously choose people to be in their life that will deliberately (unconsciously) trigger aspects of themselves in order to reenact power struggles from childhood, or unconsciously right wrongs that they feel were done to them in younger years, to re-pattern parental relationships & for many more reasons. Perhaps you can take an objective position and see if you are fulfilling any role in someone’s life that has a similar dynamic — could you be the person withholding affection as a weapon against others without consciously knowing you’re doing it? Could you be the person quietly putting up with someone else withdrawing affecting from you because they feel angry & can’t, or won’t, express it?

It is only when we bring these dynamics to light, into conscious awareness, that we can change them, even though it may be difficult and challenging and messy — welcome to the world of consciously creating relationships!