How to Have Normal Sex

One of the questions I’m most often asked by individuals and couples, on a regular basis, is, what is ‘’normal’’ when it comes to sex? — well, I would get asked it a lot given that I’m a Sexuality & Relationship Coach & Therapist! It’s a question often asked when people feel or think they’re not having enough sex, or it’s not the sex they want, or more accurately, it’s not the sex they think they should want.

I need to ask a few questions first before we can move the conversation forward to strategies, techniques, or maybe the working through of some trauma or past experience that is causing difficulty & challenge.

One of the most common dynamics that I come across is that individuals and couples often have an idea in mind of what kind of sex they should be having, how often they should be having it, how it should feel, what should happen, who they should be having it with and so it goes on! Some people think that 3–4 times a day is ‘normal’ whereas for others 3–4 times a month is their ‘normal’. I’ll never forget lying in bed with a new lover a few years ago and enthusiastically asking him what he liked ‘’in bed’’, I’m not sure I’ve felt disappointment like it since when he said, ‘’you know, normal sex!’’; as an expression it’s meaningless because it means such different things to different people, in this instance ‘’normal’’ meant missionary position penis in vagina intercourse — the lowest common denominator between a heterosexual male & female, it wasn’t the longest, nor most sexually satisfying, relationship I’ve ever had because his ‘normal’ is very different to my ‘normal’.

The bottom line, my friends, is this. If everyone concerned is over the age of consent in the country you’re in, and everyone’s enthusiastically and continually saying ‘’yes’’ to what’s happening, then you’re having normal sex!

As a species we are so diverse, our genitals are diverse, no two penises or vulvas look the same, they just don’t. No two bodies look or feel the same, experience the same sensations or like the same things in the same way. No two people desire exactly the same things to happen in the same order, even the same person may not like the same things at different times or with different people.

The, sometimes uncomfortable, truth is that if you are a human being, you are normal. There are a very small number of behaviours that are not OK, generally, when it comes to sex and they all revolve around consent and are against the law in most countries, other than those areas it’s all normal human sexual activity.

Beth Wallace is a Sexuality & Relationship Coach & Therapist, a Workshop Facilitator, Speaker, Writer, Broadcaster on national Irish radio & the founder & director of Bliss Festival.

Over the course of her 29 year professional life she has worked with 1000s of people in varying contexts & communities in several countries & on three continents around the issues of sex, sexuality, social justice, relationship, as well as personal & community development.

Beth is currently based on the south west coast of Ireland & works with one to one & couples clients both in-person & online via platforms such as Skype as well as offering in-person group workshops & online courses. More information about Beth & the services she’s currently offering is available on her website by clicking this link.