Lessons from incubating a human #1: there’s no such thing as ‘must’

Must is something you hear a lot when pregnant. “You must feel very excited!” , “you must take it easy”, or “you must buy this piece of ‘essential baby equipment’”…

The problem with the word “must” is that there’s no room for variation, individual experience, opinion. It’s imperative. “Must” implies that to do, think or feel otherwise would have grave and terrible consequences.

Of course “you must be very excited!” is a common reaction when you tell people you’re pregnant. It shows the listener cares and is excited themselves! But these well-meaning comments can send you into a flood of panic and self-doubt if you take the “must” part to heart.

For many people, pregnancy is actually a difficult time. If you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed, rather than a permanent state of excited anticipation and joy, that’s ok. Let’s face it, the little one probably doesn’t even feel real at the moment, but your body is no longer your own, your hormones are raging, you can’t eat a load of things, and wine is completely out. Please, tell me again how thrilled I must constantly be…!

Snarkiness aside, at times over the last 9 months I’ve been overwhelmed, anxious, fed up and even little terrified. That doesn’t make me a bad mother. If we internalise the idea that we should be 100% thrilled all the time (and if not we’re somehow abnormal/ungrateful), then we’ll try to bury any other feelings. And for me, not recognising and processing emotions can lead to feeling far worse down the line.

That’s not to say you have to tell well meaning Auntie Priscilla that actually you really miss your afternoon G&T and are grossed out by your own belly button, but you needn’t beat yourself up for feeling that way. You feel how you feel.

The same applies to how you “must” behave. Unless advised otherwise by a doctor, I’ll do what feels right for me and bump — I can judge that.

As for what you “must” buy…babies need food, shelter and love — everything else is marketing.

Ultimately, the last 9 months has taught me to trust my own judgement more and not be swayed by what others think of as imperative. I’ll take care of myself and my little one, and if that doesn’t fit in with other people’s rigid views on health, lifestyle or parenting that’s ok. I will welcome their love and excitement and accept advice gracefully, in the knowledge that it’s just one tool I have available to me when I come to find my own way as a parent.