Issa Bae- How and Where to Find a Man When You’re Tired of Looking
Step 1- The How: Be a woman
Step 2- The Where: Go outside.
Okay, I’m being condescending by oversimplifying, but it’s not complicated so let’s explore where you may be messing up. I recently opened up a forum where people could write me with any relationship questions they may have. I received the following question and I imagine it’s a sentiment that many of you can relate to:
“ Where/how do I find a good man (hard working, responsible, loving) if I work a lot and all my friends are busy with their kids? Online is full of creeps. Sick of wasting my time…”
Before I go in on this and the underlying messages I’m picking up on, I wanna say: I hear you, Sis. The dating game is bullshit, match.com is kinda sad, work is stressful and when you get to the age where people get married and start having kids, everything changes. I pout and cry about this sometimes too. I miss when every one had less responsibilities, using girlfriends as a crutch out on the scene and when I wasn’t worried about making ends meet financially. After I express these things to whoever happens to be listening, I look myself in the mirror and gently remind myself that not wanting to grow up doesn’t change the fact that I have to. I also consider that growing up doesn’t have to mean the end of all fun, in many ways, it’s the beginning.
When I read “sick of wasting my time,” I hear defeat. I hear fear. I hear “time is running out.” All biological clocks aside, what’s going to happen if you don’t find “the one” by the time you’re 25 years old?….30?….40? Will life be miserable? Unbearable? Are you a failure at romance? You will have never received — *gasp* — MALE APPROVAL!? What has you ticking on a fear-based time bomb?
Most of us have been brainwashed to believe that a romantic relationship is the ultimate status to achieve as a woman. The feminist in me won’t continue on with this post about “finding a man” without first taking a moment to say: Fuck. That. Noise.
Don’t Just Be Busy… Be Busy Doing Things You LOVE
Barbie’s dreamhouse was lit with or without a Ken doll, AMIRIGHT? That is how you need to live your life. The same way you let Barbie be whoever she wanted to be, work whatever career she wanted to work, and dress however she wanted to dress (without worrying if she looked like too much of a ho to catch a Ken because you knew you’d be able to grab one off the shelf when the time came), you must focus your attention on your own joy. Those imaginary hopes and dreams came from your little creative brain. The young girl who mastered that play-time universe is still inside you and it’s time you let her have the same limitless vision for your life. Make sure that the “working a lot” you’re doing is something you actually enjoy and you’re not just coasting on auto-pilot. This is also important because you need to be the catch you are hoping to catch, in other words, match the standards that you desire/require. When you neglect your true needs it puts a wet blanket on everything else, including your confidence about your love life. Would you want to be with someone with a boring, dim view of their career and life? Of course not. Stop being your own biggest dream crusher and start manifesting the reality you want to live. That’s what I mean when I say the fun has just begun. You’re an adult now- you literally get to call all the shots. The world doesn’t owe you anything by default, but none of that matters if you trust your own ability to deliver what you seek. When you chase your dreams and constantly improve yourself, you respect your own standards and judgment enough to trust your own decision-making skills and timing when meeting men. You also put yourself out into the real world more often which answers the “where?” EVERYWHERE. This is why it’s important to dress and present yourself in a way that makes you feel sexy at all times. It doesn’t have to be club dress- just whatever clothing makes you feel empowered. You should always feel like a Goddess when you leave the house. The more you embrace your own style, hobbies, and being out and about in general, the more chances you have at meeting men. Some will be winners and some will be losers, neither of them being a reflection of your worth if you stay true to your value. That level of self-assurance and love is the first tool you need in order to go into the world ready for dating and move into the next step.
To Approach or Be Approached.
It’s not an either/or, it’s literally the only two options you have and if you really want love like you swear you do, then there is no reason to cut out either of them.
If you think girls who approach men are corny or thirsty then you have no idea how male egos work. MEN LIKE TO FEEL SPECIAL TOO. Most girls stand in the corner sipping their ciroc-peach & diet-sprite wondering why nobody approaches them, but grown women scan the room for the finest dude to “accidentally” bump into to see if he takes the bait and buys her a drink. Petty? Yes. Has it worked before? Also, Yes.
Where and How to Approach tho?
For those of you that aren’t club rats like me and hope to prey in more promising territories, there’s a million places a silly tactic like this works. Pretend you can’t reach the top shelf in the grocery story (who cares if you need that item, toss it aside later). Make him feel masculine and needed and start a conversation. Girl. It’s so simple. You got this. Do you grocery shop? Do you get gas? Do you go to best buy ever? The bookstore at school? So then why is it even a question of “where?” What does your friends being busy with their kids have to do with your ability to strike up a conversation with one of the dozens of men you encounter weekly on your own?
When you choose to take control of giving out your number, you take shots at guys you actually find attractive, instead of waiting for whatever man has the confidence to step to you. Honestly, guys that approach you can fall into 3 categories, Players, Creeps/Ugly Dudes and the Unicorn Handsome Good Guy With Confidence. That’s 2/3 chance he sucks, so do yourself a favor and just go for what you want. If you grew up around brothers, cousins, or a lot of boys then you should already know how to speak to men, you’ve done it your entire life, stop overthinking it. If you didn’t grow up around a lot of men, then you may need some help and practice. Start by building friendships with men and sharing ideas and experiences OR get experience while getting experience and just dive right into engaging with guys you find attractive. There’s only one way to get good at anything: practice.
Come to Mama — Being Approached
Guard yourself, but don’t have a chip on your shoulder. When it comes to being approached you have got to have your confidence and judgment on fleek, because as I said before- Players approach. (And creeps too, but jsut curve them- *shrugs*). These Players will be fine, they will be smooth, they will smell like sex and everything inside you will want to turn into yourself. Don’t. You are fine, you are smooth, you smell like fucking sex and you are the boss in this situation. Players can be benched and retire, but only with the right coach. Don’t go into it with an ego and take on the challenge of making a dude who doesn’t want you suddenly care about you… Ooooou girl, I have been burned this way. Pride is a hell of a booby-trap. Don’t think the game has changed just because he told you you’re special. Don’t give fine dudes privileges they haven’t earned, they don’t get a “pass GO and collect $200.” You are the finish line he hopes to reach and nobody gets a fucking head start. Understand? When they approach you don’t let them come with any disrespect or entitlement, guys who flash bankrolls get eye rolls and nothing more. No matter how much money a man has, how juicy his lips are or how many girls are on his caramel-colored dick, remember that the fuckboy jitters you’re feeling are based on sexual lust and nothing more. Control that beast. Tell em to sit down, and be humble. You’re not just any regular woman who responds to basic tricks and over-domineering flattery. You accept nothing less than the best.
That First Conversation
On the other end, while you deserve A1 conversation and looks, you’ve got to be ready to receive it… make sure you have something to deliver. So many of you feel like you’re losing at love as a “good woman,” and you don’t understand why romance has been so complicated. This is when you need to be honest with yourself. Nobody gives a fuck about a “good woman.” In fact, that phrase is so tired to me I don’t even think I wanna hear you refer to yourself that way. It’s basic, and you’re not basic — you’re extraordinary.
…but is that what you project to the world? Do you really come off that unique? Interesting?
Something a lot of women lack is the ability to charm through conversation. This art has been lost probably due to the assignment of submissive gender roles and the rise of technology. Women clam up in person, and at most, open up behind keyboards. To encounter a woman that isn’t worried about how she may “come off” or “sound dumb” is rare these days and it’s why you see loud, obnoxious, ratchet chicks getting all the attention… to be blunt: at least they’re fun. Nobody likes a dry personality and fear-based timidness is highly unlikely to double as sex appeal. We all want somebody we can see ourselves having fun with, and there’s nothing fun about you scrolling your instagram timeline with a stank look on your face all night cause “the hoes are out tonight.” Have something to offer other than how fake-different you are from the rest. You might be different from the girls twerking but you’re just like the other hundreds of women who think they deserve a trophy for being boring and unapproachable. Get your conversation game up before you enter the dating ring or men will either walk off on your boring ass or nod their head pretending you’re interesting until maybe you let them fuck. Either way you’re missing out on the dynamic you truly long for. Mutual respect doesn’t come from bashing other women, it comes from two people valuing each other.
You can hate the chicks on the dance floor all you want, but what are you even bringing to that table you cling to over on the sidelines? Ponder this. Perhaps you are, in fact, personable. Perhaps you have a lot to learn about the art of conversation. Ask *honest* friends if you must.
(*Don’t ask the friend who’s just gonna tell you how “great and wonderful” you are and that “any guy would be lucky to have you,” ask your blunt, borderline-rude friend. If you don’t have one of these-find them. They are invaluable to your life).
How do I compete in this generation of hoes?
You don’t. You compete with no one. If you hold this mentality I’m gonna be the one to tell you: get the fuck over yourself. You’re superiority complex is just a front for the fact that you can’t stand to lose when other girls win. There is no reason why a bunch of women having fun, shaking their asses (or even sucking dick) should upset you or concern you. None. You are just a hater. That type of jealousy and animosity comes from the delusional belief that there is a scarcity of dick or that hoes are the reason men can’t control them. Whoever hurt you will get theirs one day, Sis, trust me, but you can’t be out here hating other women because of that. The only person responsible for respecting you is the man you are choosing to give yourself to, which is why it’s so important that you choose wisely. Men will say and do (or not say and not do) a million things that show their true colors, but you prefer to pretend you only see black and white and play the fool. Stop it. Guys aren’t that good at tricking us, you’re not stupid, it’s your heart that’s Forest Gump wit it. So it’s time to force your heart to catch up to your brain and stop blaming men’s “lack of appreciation”, and “hoeish” women for the L’s you let yourself take. Remember what I said about growing up? Part of that is learning that every man who has ever played you was given that position to do so by nobody other than yourself. I once used to have this little voice in my head that would beg the universe to send me what I deserve romantically. This was before I ever took a moment to ponder the choices I make. Have you really been played for a fool, or did you just stick with a weak ass dude that wasn’t good for anything but inconsistent attention, dick, headaches and flipping things on you? Choices, my friend. You don’t stay with a guy waiting for him to act right. You wait for the guy that acts right before you even give him your love. If he doesn’t meet the standards, you don’t make excuses for him and you don’t Obama that shit and hope for change. It’s off with his head! (Or delete his number… you get the gist). Don’t complain of men not valuing a good thing when you cheapen yourself at every turn. When you settle for fuckboys your market value drops, even in your own heart. #Facts.
So my advice to those who are looking for love? Find it in yourself. Find it in your hobbies, in your girlfriends, find it in the mirror. Once you’ve established a belief in your own greatness, only the best of men will be able to penetrate the armor that is RUTHLESS SELF-LOVE.